Screw It

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Keyboard

 

For a few weeks, I was playing ideas on how I could label 한글 characters on my keyboard. There were ideas of finding a nice thin laminate adhesive, and sandwiching the characters between two sheets that were cut into size. However, that was rejected when I realized that not a single label was transparent enough, especially when layered. Nor, could I find a fine enough point metallic pen that would write on the slick plastic.

So, I gave in, and marked my baby. I hate permanently marking anything. Stickers, especially but that is slightly off topic. The worry that if I want to change my mind, and remove them… only to have that annoying as hell adhesive left behind would drive me bonkers.

My hands were shaking so hard since I there is the beauty of being left handed, and the risk of smearing the permanent ink is high. As you can tell on a few, that did indeed happen. Even this pen was not find enough to my liking. I believe these were 0.7 tips. A 0.5, or 0.3 would have been so much preferable, however they did not have any of those at the JoAnns I went to.

Honestly, at this point, I am just killing time while waiting for the reply from the tech team in charge of MyMathLab so I can do my homework and quizzes for this week. That are due tomorrow. I kinda need this fixed ASAP.

However, in the meantime, I am at the mercy of time.

So, I will just go on Tumblr. Perhaps think on what I want to do tomorrow. Tomorrow is supposed to be somewhat balmy, and my Disney annual pass expires soon. The Flower and Garden festival is going on, and I have been playing with the idea of going out for a visit. Of course, this is all dependent on whether or not I finish all of my homework tonight.

Next random thought: writing prompts. I miss writing. There is a subreddit dedicated entirely to writing prompts. I did receive praise from my composition professors on my writing skills. I will say that seriously boosted my day for a while there. She is a published, award winning author, and she said I had talent. It makes me want to write again. Should I? Can I? I should at least try.

My mom spoke with the sister I cut out on my brother’s birthday a couple days ago. She said she apologized for everything. I told my mother that if my sister stuck to being trying to better, then I would consider talking to her. However, as it stands right now, you can never expect a person to change who they have been the past almost forty years in one apology. They apparently also talked about Mike, and I. My mother said it seemed breaking up with Mike after what he did caused me to, “wake up.”

I wear “cute clothes” now, I got a manicure a week ago, and I am going to school with A’s everyday. What do you guys think? Have I, “woken up”? Was I asleep before? Was it really that kind of relationship before?

The only difference in my clothes I think is the two crop tops I wear now. I mean, I have had them over a year – I just never wore them because I did not have the confidence. I still do not, but I wear them anyways.

Now I want to go on a run. Dang it.

Journal Entry 5/9/14

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I wrote this up on my laptop around noon on Saturday. The day previous I had spent twenty-two hours driving to and from Tennessee.

I don’t know what it is with today but even within the first moments of waking up, I just felt… heavy.

Heavy heart.

Heavy Mind.

Heavy Soul.
It was just past eight thirty and I had made sure to at least get up and make sure my mom was awake as she an appointment at ten. But she was already gone when I found my dad downstairs tucked behind the dryer working on.
“I guess you washed a receipt or something and it gunked the entire thing up.”
Oh the freezer across from the dryer were balls of compressed paper about the size of… do you know/remember those little bouncy rubber balls? About seven or either balls of that size.
From a receipt? Even though I was certain I hadn’t washed anything paper in any of my recent loads with my compulsion of checking pockets and zipping zippers.
But it was automatically me and mind fault.
Just like when Mom decided to wash the portable burner and refuses to light now.
Quickly, I felt the feelings of worthlessness and depression sinking in.
Last night I had made plans as we were driving on the last stretch from Tennessee through Georgia to get on the ball. Get all my cleaning done, organize my sewing room again, and hit the library in the morning to do all research for fashion design programs.
But I just couldn’t even feel the point. The excitement, the desire that these things should have fueled me into. All I felt was weak, depressed and nothing was worth it.
Even talking felt like too much.
I tried to force through it.
Folding fabric, gathering scattered pattern tissue, tossing garbage but it just served to deepen my darkness.
I just tried sinking into mindless game play via Fall Out for a couple hours but here I am, typing away still enraptured in my dark thoughts.
My body is so tired and worn out. I didn’t take my prescription until almost midnight last night as I was doing the night driving. So, I don’t know if maybe this is just a chemical reaction in its entirety.
Maybe I should go on ahead and just force some sewing.
Even as I typed that I know it isn’t going to happen.
I don’t want to do anything.
I just want to sleep and fast forward past this day and these feelings.

 

EPCOT Flower and Garden Festival 2014

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I had a little bit of free time yesterday since my appointment with my psychologist wasn’t until three in the afternoon and I took the opportunity to head to EPCOT and get some photos of all the gorgeous topiary displays around the park. And I may have gone selfie-happy.

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This upcoming Sunday I will be joining up with a friend and will be hitting the Magic Kingdom and I take loads of pictures then, too. If you have any comments (*cough cough* compliments) about my mad skilled photography please say something!

Am I the only one who feels like they are at the optometrist when editing photos? 1… or 2…? 1… or 2…? 

Stepping Back

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Around the beginning of February I started intermittently placing my phone not even just on the no data mode, but air plane mode. Every day was another day with zero texts, phone calls or out reaches of any sort. Just wasting battery juice, man!
Even with my phone basically not being a phone I could still reach my stories, mahjong, and music. All I needed. I was well entertained!

Prior to this measure I was constantly checking Facebook, Twitter and Instagram as well as blog rolls. I didn’t interact or participate but always refreshing. Again, and again.

After the step off I began to notice that my anxiety was less. My depression was not as potent. It may not make sense to anyone, especially as it barely does for me but this has helped. I always felt less, and frustrated that my own limitations drove to quarantine me away from these chances for socialization and socialization to me meant chances for happiness and in that contentment.

Not that is actually the key to happiness.

And I have been writing in my journal again. Each entry is usually easily ~10 pages. This is one habit I am very happy I picked back up. This helps to act like a sieve. Everything falls through like water but the important, big bits are caught and I can sort through them til they are broken down and worked through. Then they fall through as well leaving me with a calm space.

Speaking of calm – I have recently got the idea of yoga into my mind. And as is par for the course with me, I am obsessed with researching it. I almost bought a yoga mat today at Target but I wisely decided to hold off. My personal space is no where near ready to be conducive for such an activity. But I do plan on asking Karen when I go see her for my appointment in three weeks. Karen has been in the lives of my mother and I since early high school. When Gail, the first doctor I ever trust and to this day the only one really, moved to Arizona, she recommended Karen to continue our homeopathic and acupuncture needs.

And I love Karen and consider her a part of my family and a caring confidant. I just never felt that connection and understanding I did with Gail as a child. Gail also did save my life at least four times so just a minor bias. My mother on the other hand is reversed on this matter.

Anyways.

Point is – I am very sure Karen will have the information and suggestions I need as this is her circle of expertise. Just gotta hold off on a shopping spree til then.

Along with the calm and reflection this time has given me, it had also taken away something as well.

My patience.

Petty dramas, woe is me, reckless anger. All these things register very low on the radar for me and I simply did not have it in me to handle these things properly. Any time I would think of maybe reentering the world of communication and witness these things…

Yeah… No. Screw that.

Especially Facebook. And I have less than sixty people on there!

Maybe Twitter. Maybe Instagram. But not Facebook. I’m better off without that.

So here I am, checking in. Tossing in my two bits.

I hope everyone is well and excited for spring! I am. 🙂 My favorite season alongside Autumn.

Any suggestions about yoga? Supplies, classes, stories to share?

I know I am not the only one kicking FB to the curb, y’all.

I’m going to at least try

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I made a delicious dinner tonight. Pork chops with ranch mashed potatoes and a fall vegetable medley. I finished eating it a while ago and now I munch on some verg delicious air popped popcorn from Publix. The previews for a movie were playing in the background and it was vert random, but it made me remember just how little I have seen and done in this life.

Beautiful mountauns, rivers and even snow. I have never even seen snow!

Things are tough and I never seem to have a day where there isn’t something to stress about. I spend a lot of time feeling lonely and as if my life will never take off – but there is still so much time left. And you have to make that conscious choice to choose the brighter side of things. Which I try to do. It doesn’t always work but I try.

I have been worried about my friends lately. Even those I haven’t seen or spoken to in a very long time. Maia, Art, my mechanics. I wonder how they are and I hope they are all right.

I reach out every once in a while, “hey! Hope everything is going well!” And then I hear that things are well… not. And it makes me so very sad.  And I feel extremely guilty because I feel like there really isn’t much I can do. I don’t know what to do. I’m better at just listeningnto people’s pain rather than actually helping them solve and forget it. I mean, I never could get myself to do that. I just kind of stutter and become speechless. Conversation becomes awkward and stinted as I desperately try to find something to make everything better.

But I still want to do everything I can to help.

Drafted and posted using my Samsung Galaxy SIII. Please do forgive any typographical errors.

Sleigh Ride

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I have a song that has been riding around and around in my head. When Sassy was here and we did the Christmas party,  it quickly became out favorite. One of the only ones we would sing and dance to.

I never knew the name of it but I could sing it for you if you could bear tge torture. Haha.

So I hopped online and just did a search of the lyrics which brought me to Micahel Bublé and progress was halted for a solid couple of hours while I melted. He’s a favorite of mine. But eventually I found it. ‘Sleigh Ride’  I couldn’t find the exact cover from Disney but I did find out Karmin did a cover and I love it. Not the rapping part, especially after I listened to the actual lyrics that make no sense.  But I love their voices on the traditional verses.

Anyhow, slowly I’m getting closer to either adding on a second job or leaving my current occupation entirely. Only thing stopping me is the fact my car is acting up.

And John and I still talk. Every day actually. I was right in believing we could be great friends, but nothing beyond that 

I just remembered,  during the long car ride where things were called off – one of his biggest reasons for veing upset was cause I liked video games, too. He had hit the jackpot with a gamer girlfriend. Well. Glad to know what my highlights are! 😛

Sorry I’m so lazy. I get home or even just stay home and all I want to do is lie down. My bones hurt, my head and chest hurt constantly. I’m just a whiny butt that doesn’t actually want to do anything. So when I sat down after finished making my dad’s dinner and checking on my mom – I forced this sucker out. Please forgive me if it was too painful. Haha 

Have a good night and I hope everyone is doing well. 🙂

Drafted and posted using my Samsung Galaxy SIII. Please do forgive any typographical errors.