Trash Only. No Recycling.

Standard

There is a realization for myself that I have been avoiding, yet expressed for years all at the same time.

Music is vital for my sanity. It is well known that I never, ever, go anywhere without my high quality headphones. Music fuels my emotions, and brings perspective to my surroundings. It translates my pain, my hopes, and my dreams into something that does require a shared language.

And precisely because of that… communicating my language is so hard. You feel isolated. I try sharing my music.

This means something to me.

                “But, I cannot understand what they are saying.”

                “I can’t really sing along to this.”

When I share music – I am sharing myself. Offering a deep emotion that I feel I cannot express in words otherwise. It has been a running joke for quite some time on,”Lara Language”. Since, communication is such a trial for me. My vocabulary is vast, and I have to constantly adjust in the moment, so others can understand the terminology and context I use. I learned to communicate in a short hand due to this. Either via gesticulations, music, or images in hopes that by removing the challenge of my words – one can understand my meanings universally.

Yet, this never seems to happen.

One of the worst feelings in the world is the that of oppressed silence. An empty room where the vibrations bounce off the walls to echo for an audience of none.

Listen to me.

I have something to say.

Will you please listen?

                My composition professor today, after class, sympathized saying it must be difficult being the smartest person in the class.  It is, and it is not limited to the classroom. With which an astounding intellect that seems to be inversely proportional to the rich social interactions that are possible. Add in a (very misunderstood and difficult) personality disorder… It is difficult. You spend a lot of your time feeling lonely, and yet there is a dichotomy of preferring the solitude over the lackluster interactions you would have to face otherwise.

I am a very articulate and intelligent person. So, why is it that I am so often misunderstood?

Or is it no one wants to understand.

Check, please.

 

What Pisses Me Off

Standard

Or, more accurately: what makes me feel robbed.

Robbed of a childhood filled with actual affection, and praise. It is only now, when I am in college of my own doing, with high grades and no longer in the steep depression that were years before.

Ever worse – they are using my niece to base off whether or not I am “boastable”. My niece is fifteen. They just found out she has been hiding a currently 18 year old boyfriend for the past two years. She is failing every one of her classes. Getting detentions, referrals and skipping school.

Now, my brother-in-law says I am not a mooch in comparison to his daughter. When I would have probably been the same way if it was not for my personality disorder, since this is all entirely due to my sister’s raising of her. My niece needs guidance, and care – not shipping her off to military school. Which they cannot even afford. Admit that you are shit parents, and let me talk to her.

My mother has come to love this show that Steve Harvey hosts called, “Little Big Shot”. Children of various ages achieve grand feats of musical talent, intellect, or skill. And she coos, and boasts about them as if they were her own. However, when I was a child, and even to this day, nothing I did merited praise. Straight a’s? Eh. Learning college algebra at age four? Eh. “I was a mathematician, no big deal.” A painting of mine is featured in the school’s select art show? Who cares.

 

Nothing I did was ever good enough, and still is not good enough five minutes ago.

Maybe, this is why I crave assurance and praise so much, since I was robbed of it as a child.

Guess Who Figured This Out?

Standard

“This” being how to finally get a Korean IME installed on my computer without having to resort to using a Chrome extension. It only just now occurred to me to try the language settings in my computer. Why? Why? I should have thought of this ages ago!

Well, actually, I did. But I gave up way too soon, obviously.

I mean, look at this. 안영!! 대박이다!! It really is awesome. I am slowly working towards not hen pecking. It is becoming slightly more natural to remember that the all of the consonants are on the left side, while all the vowels are to the right. Also, by installing the proper IME, I do not have to switch between visual and HTML input on WordPress to enter in the Korean characters. Yay for another point to laziness.

And no, I have not been to bed yet. I was up all night waiting for a reply that never came from the IT Team about MyMathLab. Then at like 7 or so this morning, BigHit released that BTS will be doing a concert in May. And releasing another album. Then, Got7 also released their newest music video for, “Fly.” Which was fantastic. It had a couple odd scenes here and there, but I really loved the ones on the flight deck.

I did have the idea to go to Epcot possibly, but with this continued lack of sleep, and need to save every penny for either the concert DVD, or if they announce a world tour (which one do you think I want more?) – I chose to stay home instead. I do want to go out and get some more photography in that is not related to Disney. The continuous theme of the mouse everywhere, and in everything I show drives me a bit bonkers. I would like a bit of creative identity away from all that, you know?

I was reading all my old posts from this time last year. I am almost someone different now. It was almost as if I was reading something written by someone else. Not even me. But I know it was me, and I recognize myself in the writing. But… the despair, and pain… it hurts to remember that that was in fact me. Though I do not mention it lately, I am Bipolar. Apparently Bipolar 1 with psychotic features. That intense depression, while hallucinating on a near constant basis – it was a living nightmare. I have little blips here and there, but otherwise, I am too focused on my goals to allow what normally can drag me under the muck get a grasp on my ankles. Once again, that strangely intense will power of mine. Subconscious will power. Imagine what all I could accomplish if I had full control of those faculties.

It looks like I will be emailing my math professor about having to extend my quiz due date since I still cannot get onto the dang website.

Here is to hoping everyone is well, and having a good day.

 

 

Screw It

Standard

Keyboard

 

For a few weeks, I was playing ideas on how I could label 한글 characters on my keyboard. There were ideas of finding a nice thin laminate adhesive, and sandwiching the characters between two sheets that were cut into size. However, that was rejected when I realized that not a single label was transparent enough, especially when layered. Nor, could I find a fine enough point metallic pen that would write on the slick plastic.

So, I gave in, and marked my baby. I hate permanently marking anything. Stickers, especially but that is slightly off topic. The worry that if I want to change my mind, and remove them… only to have that annoying as hell adhesive left behind would drive me bonkers.

My hands were shaking so hard since I there is the beauty of being left handed, and the risk of smearing the permanent ink is high. As you can tell on a few, that did indeed happen. Even this pen was not find enough to my liking. I believe these were 0.7 tips. A 0.5, or 0.3 would have been so much preferable, however they did not have any of those at the JoAnns I went to.

Honestly, at this point, I am just killing time while waiting for the reply from the tech team in charge of MyMathLab so I can do my homework and quizzes for this week. That are due tomorrow. I kinda need this fixed ASAP.

However, in the meantime, I am at the mercy of time.

So, I will just go on Tumblr. Perhaps think on what I want to do tomorrow. Tomorrow is supposed to be somewhat balmy, and my Disney annual pass expires soon. The Flower and Garden festival is going on, and I have been playing with the idea of going out for a visit. Of course, this is all dependent on whether or not I finish all of my homework tonight.

Next random thought: writing prompts. I miss writing. There is a subreddit dedicated entirely to writing prompts. I did receive praise from my composition professors on my writing skills. I will say that seriously boosted my day for a while there. She is a published, award winning author, and she said I had talent. It makes me want to write again. Should I? Can I? I should at least try.

My mom spoke with the sister I cut out on my brother’s birthday a couple days ago. She said she apologized for everything. I told my mother that if my sister stuck to being trying to better, then I would consider talking to her. However, as it stands right now, you can never expect a person to change who they have been the past almost forty years in one apology. They apparently also talked about Mike, and I. My mother said it seemed breaking up with Mike after what he did caused me to, “wake up.”

I wear “cute clothes” now, I got a manicure a week ago, and I am going to school with A’s everyday. What do you guys think? Have I, “woken up”? Was I asleep before? Was it really that kind of relationship before?

The only difference in my clothes I think is the two crop tops I wear now. I mean, I have had them over a year – I just never wore them because I did not have the confidence. I still do not, but I wear them anyways.

Now I want to go on a run. Dang it.

You can blame my migraines?

Standard

I have written two separate post drafts on separate topics. As my “regular” readers may know – can I really say regular, when I do not even post regularly? I generally only write when the mood strikes me. So, when I begin writing a draft and do not finish it in the one sitting I do not pick it back up.

All I do as of late comprises of school, BTS videos, homework, BTS music, studying Korean, BTS, and BTS. I do not have the current emotional or mental capacity for much else. If I leave my thoughts to their own doing, I will usually get either a migraine, and/or become extremely emotional. The primary emotions being rage and depression. I would like to avoid all of that in its entirety. Like, I have a migraine right now because of some frustrations with a friend I cannot openly express. I tried to. But she is stubborn and a bit too immature to heed my frankly wise words. This is one instance where I will not feel guilty for the I Told You So, dance. Truly.

I mentioned BTS earlier. BTS is a very… it is something I am quite grateful for as of late. I became a fan of this group out of Korea a little over a year and a half ago. Their work ethic, passion and talent is something that I strive for and admire very much. I listen to their music and read their interviews to keep me insane and remind me why I am going through so much to try to get to the life I want for myself. They were just kids when they started this journey almost three years ago. And I mean just kids. The youngest of the 7 boys was just 15 years old. They knew what they wanted to do at that age (technically younger since they trained for a number of years prior to their debut), and here I am having a hope that I know what I want for myself now at 24.

Thanks to my various conditions, I will wake up often and wonder if I want to even attempt the day. Or, be on campus and have convince myself if I want to stay. Either because of less than favorable social interactions, or I will be questioning my efforts. Usually, my mind will go to a tangent of could I say that I was working as hard as these kids. Would they do better than me in my shoes? I am quite the competitive person, hello OCPD, and when I cannot say yes – my ass gets up and goes to class. I do my homework. My laundry gets done. My animals are fed. All the little things and big things are accomplished. For that drive alone – I will be forever grateful.

I am extremely picky about what music I listen to. Hell, I am picky about everything. Everything must meet a certain level of criteria for me to be favorable of it. I think in images. It is apparently a rare quality, and I was only made aware of it within the last year. When I discovered K-pop, and subsequently the commonality of choreography with their music – I was quite pleased. It all began with Shinee’s, “Lucifer,” and went from there. Whenever I hear the music instead of having to visualize my own choreography – I just see theirs. Then, I started to learn the difference between the manufactured music, and the stuff that is composed with the artist involved. Either in part, or whole. Music from SM Entertainment literally comes out of Europe. The majority of it at least. YG Entertainment allows the artist a little more wiggle room creatively. With the label BTS is a part of, they are allowed a heck of a lot more room. Quite often, you will see the members names in the credits of the songs. They work on the producing, the lyrics, and even the album concepts over all. Collectively, they try to send messages with their music. They certainly are not the only group that does this. They just happen to be one of my favorites because they also do this in tandem with everything else.

 

Do I have any songs to recommend?

Hm…

I have different favorites for different needs. If I want to see a very upbeat choreo – I would have to go with DopeWar of HormoneDangerBoy in Luv, and I Need U.

Other upbeat songs are Second GradeBoys with FunMa City, and Hip Hop Phile.

Now, for songs that you can be sure will make me want to cry every time are: Hold Me TightTomorrow, and Nevermind. These are all BTS tracks. I just spent a solid twenty minutes formatting and tracking down all of these, so I will save BigBang and Block B for another time.

Funnily enough, I noticed my three top favorite groups all start with the letter B. BigBang, Block B, and BTS. They all also have that triple quality I require. Artistic involvement, strong choreography, and amazing work ethics. Little random tidbit for you.

So yes, some random rambling for you at five in the morning when I cannot sleep, or even relax because of yet another migraine. I cannot sleep normally anyways, so that is not surprising. I just happen to have another migraine right now.

I hope everyone is well and those that are having to get up because it is Monday morning after all: I am sorry and good luck out there today.

Interesting Things

Standard

Prepare for lots of rambling.

     One of my classes this semester is Intro to Psychology. And it is essentially my guilty pleasure class even though I know it will also be my hardest class. My instructor/professor is pretty amazing. I also spent over five hours on the homework for that class alone today.

The power the mind has fascinates me. Especially my own. My ability to shut emotions on and off. To compress and forget. To take in and adapt on the other end of the spectrum. To simply survive.

I have had four concussion in my life. Three of them were serious concussions. One was the back of my skull when I fell off a high bunk bed onto the concrete floor below when I was five. Another, I was fourteen and was knocked full force into the corner of the cement wall with my right temple. And the last one I had, I was sixteen, and one of my dogs had tripped me and sent my right temple into once again, the corner of a wall. They say the elbow is the strongest part of your body. Krav Maga and all that. I was essentially Krav Maga’ed by a wall, twice. Ever since my first concussion the obvious effects were my now ferocious insomnia and traumatized circadian rhythm. My chronic migraines. As well as my severe inertia episodes.

If you have read previous entries that are possibly quite old, I went into deep discussion about my past. And why I am the way I am today. The difficulty to trust or express emotion. And with Mike, I broke past that. I said to hell with it. I trusted him. Too much, I know now, but I did. With everything I had – I trusted him. And I expressed my emotions. I did not hold back.

I chose the wrong person to put that kind of faith in. But the damage from doing so is unmistakable. However, I went to school every day. I did not hide away and lock myself in my room. Drown myself in ice cream and romantic comedies. I… went out and continued living. Because the fact is, Mike is not and was not my end all-be all. He was simply a chapter in my life and I had already started a better one by securing my future and furthering my education.

The Xanax is starting to kick in and hopefully I can get to bed shortly. I have to be up at 0700 to start getting ready for school.

 

Oh. I drink coffee now.

Grande French Vanilla latte with whip cream and caramel drizzle. Hot or Iced.

A lot of everything and a lot of nothing

Standard

I am on very little sleep, a lot of physical and emotional stress. Basically, I have been in this state since my last post at the near end of January.

Since then my boyfriend had come and gone for a visit. I almost finished a dress. There were multiple mental breakdowns. I got a new phone as well a little over a week ago.

I was going to post about my latest project in next post but there isn’t much for me to say since I didn’t fully finish it. I need to only hem it and I do not know when I will be able to get to that. The main problem is for me that when I hem it the back when worn is actually two inches higher than the front thanks to my proportions and I do not know how to mark it for hemming by myself since when I lie it flat I do not know how to place it as the front needs approximately four inches off the front while the back needs only two inches.

I did fix those droopy pockets by hand sewing in three snaps inside the band area of each pocket. So, I am very happy about that.

Now, as for my mental health. It is up and down, up and down. So much rapid cycling. It can almost be guaranteed that I will get a very happy high and then within two hours I am crying and in pieces. It has been like this for maybe about a month a half?

My biggest breakdown was last Wednesday night after leaving the house for the first time in a long time and getting some much needed necessities. And free truffles! Ever since I came home from Atlantic City in November, I have been sleeping on my mattress on my floor.

I decided that night as the next day my new phone would be delivered, I needed to get my bed off the ground and move in a night stand that has been in the corner of the living room for ages.

The metal frame for bed was leaning against my wall all these months just waiting for when I could get a box spring to put my bed on. For some reason I thought I wouldn’t need a box spring! I could just place my mattress directly on the frame and it would be dandy! So, I spent over an hour cleaning and moving in the night stand (which is solid wood. I think Oak) and then piecing the two metal pieces for the frame together. I wrestle the bed even with my very weak stature as I hadn’t eaten yet that entire day besides one of the free truffles and manage to place the mattress on the frame.  Where I quickly remembered you in fact do need a box spring otherwise your beg just sags to the floor as nothing supports the middle or sides of the bed.

I went to my father to ask for help carrying in the box spring I thought was just chilling in the back yard. I didn’t care if maybe it wasn’t exactly perfectly clean. I was on a high and was going to fix at least of my problems myself and get my bed off the floor dang it!

One problem. There was no box spring. Mom had already burned it a while back. It was pitch black at the time so I couldn’t exactly look out and see the lack of box spring presence.

That’s when I broke down. Sobbing and hyper ventilating.

I felt like I was failing at everything. I couldn’t solve a single problem on my own. Not even getting my bed off the floor. My boyfriend saved me by buying me a phone the day my phone went black and refused to turn on besides “Samsung” and black again. I was depending and begging my parents for food, tampons and anything. Sometimes going for days just eating sunflower seeds and drinking water because I was too prideful and/or ashamed of asking yet again for something.

Here I am at 23, living at home with no move out date in sight. Still not in school and cannot even hold a part time job. Can barely leave my house for goodness sake without shaking and panic attacks and imagining every horrible thing possible would happen while I was out. At home while I was away and happening wherever I was going.

Dad knocks on my door and tries giving me his bed set up which just set me off even harder. I could only say no over and over again. “I won’t take your bed. I won’t!” And rushing back to my room.

Eventually I found 2x4s and I cut them to size with my hand saw fitting them to the length of the frame. Then using duct tape to create support between the  cuts. Here is a very crude doodle of what I managed.

image

I do my best to hide my breakdowns from Mike. I don’t usually succeed as he is very intuitive.  Though he has an easy cheat code. If he texts or says “Muah” and I cannot say it in return he knows something is up. For some reason whenever I am upset, “muah” will send me bawling. So I just sit there, swallowing and straining to not let the quiver free in my voice.

Then the last couple of weeks another one of our pack is reaching the end of her days. She had developed a rather nasty hip injury in her second and last litter approximately nine years ago. And now it has progressed to just too much for her to handle at almost fifteen years old. She cannot control her legs and cannot sit up or walk.

Now, I spend my days doing best to force myself to sleep as much as possible so I don’t have to go out when I am the only one in the house and find her passed away. I am a coward and I know it. About three or four years ago, when Angel’s mother, Matrix, passed away I was the only one home. I had to keep sending away the other dogs whom kept trying to get to her and sniff her and look at her.

It traumatized me. I do not handle death well. Add in the fact I can cry at anything at the drop of a hat…

Yeah.

And now I  at the point where I cannot sleep. Too stressed, anxious and scared that she is dead, or alive. It has been very cat in a box. She is dead and alive whenever I am not next to her. Watching her to see her breathe or twitch her ears.

As well last night a tom cat, HUGE, tom cat came after my cats in yard last night sometime around ten o’clock. So from now on we are going to keep the cats in the screen to connected to the car port at night. Where the heir food with be protected from raccoons, armadillos and apparently a ballsy tom cat. He gave no cares when I came flying out of the house. Just saunters right past me. Oh, yeah I chased and yelled at him.

“Out of my yard! Out! Out!  Away from my cats! Who the hell are you?! Out!!”

I am very light headed, shaky and spacy. I desperately need some portein.

Pho was on the schedule but as Mom and I were almost positive Angel would have slipped away by morning as she was not wanting to be inside. She would cry and cry if we tried carrying her.  And if we ignored them and carried her anyways,  she would start dragging her way back outside.

She was shivering so hard this morning.  Before she was refusing any blankets or towels we would drape over her and tuck her in. But this morning she was too cold to argue. I lightly warmed towels in the dryer and just kept rubbing her through a blanket til I could tuck the warm towel under the blanket.

While I was crouched next to her tucking her in, my phone fell out of my hoodie pocket. Maybe eight inches on the concrete and two corners Andre damaged now. On side is barely a scrape but the bottom right looks like someone took a light bite on a wooden pencil.

When Mike ordered the phone he also ordered one of those flip cases as well that snap onto the back. I have a Galaxy S4 by the way. And let me tell you, it did nothing. Just popped off and open so it landed on its face.

Grrrr.

Nine days! Nine days! The one time I get distracted and not hyper aware and bam. It could have been so, much worse but still. It really bums me out.

I am getting an OtterBox Defender case ASAP.

I hope I can get sleep sometime soon.

image

This post was drafted and published using the WordPress App for Android on my Galaxy S4. There are more than likely spelling or grammatical errors I may have missed before posting. Please forgive them, this is just a personal blog.