Delirious Exhaustion

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I have been exhausted lately, and by lately, I mean the last two weeks. I already do not have much a sleep cycle, so I am quite used to not being able to sleep often. I have slept maybe no more than three hours every couple of days for the last fourteen days. My body is worn out and ragged. Whenever I tell my professors why I look like death warmed over they predictably blame finals season. While yes, finals, and school in general, are to blame, it is mostly due to outside influences in combination with school.

We are in the home stretch, and marathoning homework on Sundays because I am procrastinator of the highest order, will soon be over. The rest of my energy through the week is taken up by our two new puppies, my younger sister, and studying Korean.

That is going well by the way. Well enough for not studying as much as I would expect of myself normally. I have been informed that I have been accidentally responding in either Korean (written and spoken), or using Korean gesticulations. Whoops. Sometimes it is as simple as a 네~ (yes), or 응 (another version of acknowledgement). I have been caught accidentally sending of whole sentences, or… cursing out fellow students that have been causing me some frustration since the beginning of the semester. My professor luckily found it entertaining.

I actually based my business applications end of term project on learning Korean. Since I have been living and breathing the Korean language, it was relatively easy to push out all that easy content (it was a simple power point). The hard part was the narration I had to record. That… took close to five hours. I had to do it again, and again. If I made a simple mistake, I had to start over from the beginning of that slide. It happened a lot. I was stuttering and stumbling. It was a mess.

I am so exhausted. I still have two hours left in this class until I can go home and hopefully fit in a nap of some sort. If I am home by four, and asleep by four thirty – that would be ideal. That would give me an hour or so to nap.


Here we are at the next day. I managed to make it to math where I just practiced my penmanship over and over, since I was falling asleep at my station.

All of my finals except for my objective in CGS (not the practical), and my Psych are tomorrow! The other two are online so I will be doing those, I think, on Thursday. Also, I got a 100% on my research paper! That blows me away. I have been chasing hundred in two classes this whole semester, and I finally got them at the very end.

On a separate note – I ordered a face mask off Etsy since it seems one of my biggest blocks in regards to being out and about are smells.

This is one I found that seemed to suit my needs – simple, lightweight, and cotton. They have a ton of cute designs, and shipping is included in the cost. I only ordered one for now to see if I like it or not. It shipped last night after… about a week? No, four days. I ordered it on the 22nd. It will take 2-3 weeks according to the note from the shop. So, I will be waiting quite some time on two packages from South Korea!

That BTS concert I was hoping for? Well, they just officially released all the dates and stops for the HYYH Epilogue tour, and it looks like it is a strictly Asiatic tour. Which… yes, I cannot deny I am a bit sad – but I know they will come back to the US one day. They have been so insanely busy, I can only imagine the stress a true world tour would bring.

This just means that I will possibly be getting a new phone is all!

Okay, I am starting to ramble, so I think I will cut this off here. Have a great rest of your day, and see you next time!

Trash Only. No Recycling.

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There is a realization for myself that I have been avoiding, yet expressed for years all at the same time.

Music is vital for my sanity. It is well known that I never, ever, go anywhere without my high quality headphones. Music fuels my emotions, and brings perspective to my surroundings. It translates my pain, my hopes, and my dreams into something that does require a shared language.

And precisely because of that… communicating my language is so hard. You feel isolated. I try sharing my music.

This means something to me.

                “But, I cannot understand what they are saying.”

                “I can’t really sing along to this.”

When I share music – I am sharing myself. Offering a deep emotion that I feel I cannot express in words otherwise. It has been a running joke for quite some time on,”Lara Language”. Since, communication is such a trial for me. My vocabulary is vast, and I have to constantly adjust in the moment, so others can understand the terminology and context I use. I learned to communicate in a short hand due to this. Either via gesticulations, music, or images in hopes that by removing the challenge of my words – one can understand my meanings universally.

Yet, this never seems to happen.

One of the worst feelings in the world is the that of oppressed silence. An empty room where the vibrations bounce off the walls to echo for an audience of none.

Listen to me.

I have something to say.

Will you please listen?

                My composition professor today, after class, sympathized saying it must be difficult being the smartest person in the class.  It is, and it is not limited to the classroom. With which an astounding intellect that seems to be inversely proportional to the rich social interactions that are possible. Add in a (very misunderstood and difficult) personality disorder… It is difficult. You spend a lot of your time feeling lonely, and yet there is a dichotomy of preferring the solitude over the lackluster interactions you would have to face otherwise.

I am a very articulate and intelligent person. So, why is it that I am so often misunderstood?

Or is it no one wants to understand.

Check, please.

 

What Pisses Me Off

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Or, more accurately: what makes me feel robbed.

Robbed of a childhood filled with actual affection, and praise. It is only now, when I am in college of my own doing, with high grades and no longer in the steep depression that were years before.

Ever worse – they are using my niece to base off whether or not I am “boastable”. My niece is fifteen. They just found out she has been hiding a currently 18 year old boyfriend for the past two years. She is failing every one of her classes. Getting detentions, referrals and skipping school.

Now, my brother-in-law says I am not a mooch in comparison to his daughter. When I would have probably been the same way if it was not for my personality disorder, since this is all entirely due to my sister’s raising of her. My niece needs guidance, and care – not shipping her off to military school. Which they cannot even afford. Admit that you are shit parents, and let me talk to her.

My mother has come to love this show that Steve Harvey hosts called, “Little Big Shot”. Children of various ages achieve grand feats of musical talent, intellect, or skill. And she coos, and boasts about them as if they were her own. However, when I was a child, and even to this day, nothing I did merited praise. Straight a’s? Eh. Learning college algebra at age four? Eh. “I was a mathematician, no big deal.” A painting of mine is featured in the school’s select art show? Who cares.

 

Nothing I did was ever good enough, and still is not good enough five minutes ago.

Maybe, this is why I crave assurance and praise so much, since I was robbed of it as a child.

Screw It

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Keyboard

 

For a few weeks, I was playing ideas on how I could label 한글 characters on my keyboard. There were ideas of finding a nice thin laminate adhesive, and sandwiching the characters between two sheets that were cut into size. However, that was rejected when I realized that not a single label was transparent enough, especially when layered. Nor, could I find a fine enough point metallic pen that would write on the slick plastic.

So, I gave in, and marked my baby. I hate permanently marking anything. Stickers, especially but that is slightly off topic. The worry that if I want to change my mind, and remove them… only to have that annoying as hell adhesive left behind would drive me bonkers.

My hands were shaking so hard since I there is the beauty of being left handed, and the risk of smearing the permanent ink is high. As you can tell on a few, that did indeed happen. Even this pen was not find enough to my liking. I believe these were 0.7 tips. A 0.5, or 0.3 would have been so much preferable, however they did not have any of those at the JoAnns I went to.

Honestly, at this point, I am just killing time while waiting for the reply from the tech team in charge of MyMathLab so I can do my homework and quizzes for this week. That are due tomorrow. I kinda need this fixed ASAP.

However, in the meantime, I am at the mercy of time.

So, I will just go on Tumblr. Perhaps think on what I want to do tomorrow. Tomorrow is supposed to be somewhat balmy, and my Disney annual pass expires soon. The Flower and Garden festival is going on, and I have been playing with the idea of going out for a visit. Of course, this is all dependent on whether or not I finish all of my homework tonight.

Next random thought: writing prompts. I miss writing. There is a subreddit dedicated entirely to writing prompts. I did receive praise from my composition professors on my writing skills. I will say that seriously boosted my day for a while there. She is a published, award winning author, and she said I had talent. It makes me want to write again. Should I? Can I? I should at least try.

My mom spoke with the sister I cut out on my brother’s birthday a couple days ago. She said she apologized for everything. I told my mother that if my sister stuck to being trying to better, then I would consider talking to her. However, as it stands right now, you can never expect a person to change who they have been the past almost forty years in one apology. They apparently also talked about Mike, and I. My mother said it seemed breaking up with Mike after what he did caused me to, “wake up.”

I wear “cute clothes” now, I got a manicure a week ago, and I am going to school with A’s everyday. What do you guys think? Have I, “woken up”? Was I asleep before? Was it really that kind of relationship before?

The only difference in my clothes I think is the two crop tops I wear now. I mean, I have had them over a year – I just never wore them because I did not have the confidence. I still do not, but I wear them anyways.

Now I want to go on a run. Dang it.

Out of the Norm

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Today I am doing something slightly out of the norm for me. Well, besides sitting around waiting. That is pretty on schedule in my case.

Did I mention I am the oldest in my composition class? Well, one of the younger students in my class asked for my help with her annotated bibliography for her research paper, as well as another paper. These assignments were due yesterday, but if I can help her, why not?

So, I have been sitting in Starbucks for just short of an hour listening the the hustle and bustle that manages to make its way past my SoundSport headphones. It is pretty crowded for me, and I had lucked out in being able to get a table with enough space, and access to an outlet. Pretty good, right?

Those the chairs suck. My back is killing me and my butt is numb. I have no idea how long we are going to be here, but hopefully it is not for too long. I want to go home, read, and unwind. I only managed to get a pathetic couple of hours of sleep last night.

Unless I am tucked away in my car, or at home – I am not the best at killing time. There is always the paranoia of people looking over my shoulder, and looking at what I am doing. So, that cuts out Tumblr, YouTube, and my books on my computer. I ended up playing some Firefly on Netflix while I finished my Chipotle from next door.

Do you know how hard it is to memorize a new keyboard? Without any visual aids beyond the Google Korean keyboard input on my phone? It is so annoying trying to type on my laptop, and reference that at the same time. So, there has been a bit of brainstorming trying to figure out how I could label the keys on my laptop without permanently doing so. I came up with the idea of getting some kind of transparent film and writing on character on one, then sandwiching the written character (in metallic inc for visibility) under another clear layer and sticking that to the keys individually. However… it has to be ultra fine, and transparent. I have yet to find an ultra fine tip metallic permanent marker/pen, or the proper film. When I was at Office Depot tryin to find said pens earlier, I gave in, and bought some “removable” scotch tape. However… it i s definitely not transparent. I learned this after removing the paper back, and pulling the tape forward. So… That was a fail. I will just have to try JoAnns. I am supposed to be going to Sanford tomorrow with my mom to visit my brother’s park to remember his birthday.

 

He would have been 41 this year. And 9 years gone from this world in May.

 

We miss you.

Study Nooks

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I sit in my school’s library, killing time, and charging my laptop in the meantime. While physically, I am not so hot with collapsing still occurring every once in a while, and my arthritis acting up – it feels like a good day.

Odd how that does not really add up does it?

I guess since it is just a quiet day, and I actually even managed to make it to class, and turn in my two papers, study for my test – I am just proud of the fact I am in school today. I did have essentially call out of my psychology lecture last night thanks to the collapsing, and I was strongly debating whether or not I needed to miss school today, as well. However, the fact that I did indeed have a rough draft of a paper due, an annotated bibliography for another, a rescheduled test for my business applications class, and a lecture class for my algebra… I kinda needed to be here. I fought tooth and nail for some kind of sleep last night. I was up until after three o’clock this morning trying to slip away. I tried everything in my arsenal. Old tricks, and new: Sudoku, music, abstract music such as rain storms, counting (forwards and backwards), reading, and in the end I just took a .25 mg of Xanax and counted upwards of 3,283 before I fell asleep.

It is getting to the point where I really need to file my nonexistent taxes since I did not have an income this past year, and I have no freaking idea how. I need my return, so I can file for the FAFSA. But once again, how the hell do you file nonexistent taxes?

As per my usual, when I am not on campus, you will find me at home. I will be either reading, listening to music, and that is pretty much it. I do not talk to anyone outside of a classmate, and maybe two friends on the rare occasion. But, I have been pondering why I am so content in these confines. While I am still not a big fan of being out and about by myself, I am totally fine just relaxing at home, or in the library as long as I have my music playing. Well, I am fine relaxing in the library as long as I have the aforementioned music, and I tucked away space away from everyone else. The long tables of computers are not my tea. But I did realize there are these lovely little love seats I can stretch out on, and plug in my laptop to charge as well. Which is bloody fantastic. As long as I do not do anything that requires too much mouse work – it is perfect. There is not enough patience in my soul for slowly, and awkwardly maneuvering via the touch pad. So, the touch screen feature of my ASUS serves me so well in this aspect. I even find myself constantly trying to use other desktops on campus as if they were touch screens as well. Especially when I am tutoring one of my classmates in algebra. Our emporium we log our math hours, and take our tests in have some fancy touch screen HP monitors that really help out in that aspect. The catch is, that this particular classmate cannot really grasp much of anything if I teach it to her in the lab. It only seems to work if I sit with her in the library, and go over it with her there. It is something I will need to look into, as she is still currently failing. Something about the lab seems to short circuit her.

Well, I feel like I am cutting this short – however I do need to head off, and go scrounge some food before my test in an hour. I have just enough to run to Chipotle in town, and get a chicken bowl to go. I may have a craving. Haha.

Randomly! I am doing my end of term research paper on OCPD – and it was brought to my attention that OCPD will also effect the entire dynamics of all the relationships in one’s life that is afflicted. There is the compulsion to be the dominant personality in every relationship, and yes that is entirely true in my case. From family, to friends, to significant others. I must always be on the upper hand, and usually am. I do not fare well with anyone thinking they can boss me around, or be in charge. Something to think on, huh?

Until next time. Be safe, and be well, everyone. 🙂