There is a realization for myself that I have been avoiding, yet expressed for years all at the same time.
Music is vital for my sanity. It is well known that I never, ever, go anywhere without my high quality headphones. Music fuels my emotions, and brings perspective to my surroundings. It translates my pain, my hopes, and my dreams into something that does require a shared language.
And precisely because of that… communicating my language is so hard. You feel isolated. I try sharing my music.
This means something to me.
“But, I cannot understand what they are saying.”
“I can’t really sing along to this.”
When I share music – I am sharing myself. Offering a deep emotion that I feel I cannot express in words otherwise. It has been a running joke for quite some time on,”Lara Language”. Since, communication is such a trial for me. My vocabulary is vast, and I have to constantly adjust in the moment, so others can understand the terminology and context I use. I learned to communicate in a short hand due to this. Either via gesticulations, music, or images in hopes that by removing the challenge of my words – one can understand my meanings universally.
Yet, this never seems to happen.
One of the worst feelings in the world is the that of oppressed silence. An empty room where the vibrations bounce off the walls to echo for an audience of none.
Listen to me.
I have something to say.
Will you please listen?
My composition professor today, after class, sympathized saying it must be difficult being the smartest person in the class. It is, and it is not limited to the classroom. With which an astounding intellect that seems to be inversely proportional to the rich social interactions that are possible. Add in a (very misunderstood and difficult) personality disorder… It is difficult. You spend a lot of your time feeling lonely, and yet there is a dichotomy of preferring the solitude over the lackluster interactions you would have to face otherwise.
I am a very articulate and intelligent person. So, why is it that I am so often misunderstood?
Or is it no one wants to understand.