Delirious Exhaustion

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I have been exhausted lately, and by lately, I mean the last two weeks. I already do not have much a sleep cycle, so I am quite used to not being able to sleep often. I have slept maybe no more than three hours every couple of days for the last fourteen days. My body is worn out and ragged. Whenever I tell my professors why I look like death warmed over they predictably blame finals season. While yes, finals, and school in general, are to blame, it is mostly due to outside influences in combination with school.

We are in the home stretch, and marathoning homework on Sundays because I am procrastinator of the highest order, will soon be over. The rest of my energy through the week is taken up by our two new puppies, my younger sister, and studying Korean.

That is going well by the way. Well enough for not studying as much as I would expect of myself normally. I have been informed that I have been accidentally responding in either Korean (written and spoken), or using Korean gesticulations. Whoops. Sometimes it is as simple as a 네~ (yes), or 응 (another version of acknowledgement). I have been caught accidentally sending of whole sentences, or… cursing out fellow students that have been causing me some frustration since the beginning of the semester. My professor luckily found it entertaining.

I actually based my business applications end of term project on learning Korean. Since I have been living and breathing the Korean language, it was relatively easy to push out all that easy content (it was a simple power point). The hard part was the narration I had to record. That… took close to five hours. I had to do it again, and again. If I made a simple mistake, I had to start over from the beginning of that slide. It happened a lot. I was stuttering and stumbling. It was a mess.

I am so exhausted. I still have two hours left in this class until I can go home and hopefully fit in a nap of some sort. If I am home by four, and asleep by four thirty – that would be ideal. That would give me an hour or so to nap.


Here we are at the next day. I managed to make it to math where I just practiced my penmanship over and over, since I was falling asleep at my station.

All of my finals except for my objective in CGS (not the practical), and my Psych are tomorrow! The other two are online so I will be doing those, I think, on Thursday. Also, I got a 100% on my research paper! That blows me away. I have been chasing hundred in two classes this whole semester, and I finally got them at the very end.

On a separate note – I ordered a face mask off Etsy since it seems one of my biggest blocks in regards to being out and about are smells.

This is one I found that seemed to suit my needs – simple, lightweight, and cotton. They have a ton of cute designs, and shipping is included in the cost. I only ordered one for now to see if I like it or not. It shipped last night after… about a week? No, four days. I ordered it on the 22nd. It will take 2-3 weeks according to the note from the shop. So, I will be waiting quite some time on two packages from South Korea!

That BTS concert I was hoping for? Well, they just officially released all the dates and stops for the HYYH Epilogue tour, and it looks like it is a strictly Asiatic tour. Which… yes, I cannot deny I am a bit sad – but I know they will come back to the US one day. They have been so insanely busy, I can only imagine the stress a true world tour would bring.

This just means that I will possibly be getting a new phone is all!

Okay, I am starting to ramble, so I think I will cut this off here. Have a great rest of your day, and see you next time!

Guess Who Figured This Out?

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“This” being how to finally get a Korean IME installed on my computer without having to resort to using a Chrome extension. It only just now occurred to me to try the language settings in my computer. Why? Why? I should have thought of this ages ago!

Well, actually, I did. But I gave up way too soon, obviously.

I mean, look at this. 안영!! 대박이다!! It really is awesome. I am slowly working towards not hen pecking. It is becoming slightly more natural to remember that the all of the consonants are on the left side, while all the vowels are to the right. Also, by installing the proper IME, I do not have to switch between visual and HTML input on WordPress to enter in the Korean characters. Yay for another point to laziness.

And no, I have not been to bed yet. I was up all night waiting for a reply that never came from the IT Team about MyMathLab. Then at like 7 or so this morning, BigHit released that BTS will be doing a concert in May. And releasing another album. Then, Got7 also released their newest music video for, “Fly.” Which was fantastic. It had a couple odd scenes here and there, but I really loved the ones on the flight deck.

I did have the idea to go to Epcot possibly, but with this continued lack of sleep, and need to save every penny for either the concert DVD, or if they announce a world tour (which one do you think I want more?) – I chose to stay home instead. I do want to go out and get some more photography in that is not related to Disney. The continuous theme of the mouse everywhere, and in everything I show drives me a bit bonkers. I would like a bit of creative identity away from all that, you know?

I was reading all my old posts from this time last year. I am almost someone different now. It was almost as if I was reading something written by someone else. Not even me. But I know it was me, and I recognize myself in the writing. But… the despair, and pain… it hurts to remember that that was in fact me. Though I do not mention it lately, I am Bipolar. Apparently Bipolar 1 with psychotic features. That intense depression, while hallucinating on a near constant basis – it was a living nightmare. I have little blips here and there, but otherwise, I am too focused on my goals to allow what normally can drag me under the muck get a grasp on my ankles. Once again, that strangely intense will power of mine. Subconscious will power. Imagine what all I could accomplish if I had full control of those faculties.

It looks like I will be emailing my math professor about having to extend my quiz due date since I still cannot get onto the dang website.

Here is to hoping everyone is well, and having a good day.

 

 

Screw It

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Keyboard

 

For a few weeks, I was playing ideas on how I could label 한글 characters on my keyboard. There were ideas of finding a nice thin laminate adhesive, and sandwiching the characters between two sheets that were cut into size. However, that was rejected when I realized that not a single label was transparent enough, especially when layered. Nor, could I find a fine enough point metallic pen that would write on the slick plastic.

So, I gave in, and marked my baby. I hate permanently marking anything. Stickers, especially but that is slightly off topic. The worry that if I want to change my mind, and remove them… only to have that annoying as hell adhesive left behind would drive me bonkers.

My hands were shaking so hard since I there is the beauty of being left handed, and the risk of smearing the permanent ink is high. As you can tell on a few, that did indeed happen. Even this pen was not find enough to my liking. I believe these were 0.7 tips. A 0.5, or 0.3 would have been so much preferable, however they did not have any of those at the JoAnns I went to.

Honestly, at this point, I am just killing time while waiting for the reply from the tech team in charge of MyMathLab so I can do my homework and quizzes for this week. That are due tomorrow. I kinda need this fixed ASAP.

However, in the meantime, I am at the mercy of time.

So, I will just go on Tumblr. Perhaps think on what I want to do tomorrow. Tomorrow is supposed to be somewhat balmy, and my Disney annual pass expires soon. The Flower and Garden festival is going on, and I have been playing with the idea of going out for a visit. Of course, this is all dependent on whether or not I finish all of my homework tonight.

Next random thought: writing prompts. I miss writing. There is a subreddit dedicated entirely to writing prompts. I did receive praise from my composition professors on my writing skills. I will say that seriously boosted my day for a while there. She is a published, award winning author, and she said I had talent. It makes me want to write again. Should I? Can I? I should at least try.

My mom spoke with the sister I cut out on my brother’s birthday a couple days ago. She said she apologized for everything. I told my mother that if my sister stuck to being trying to better, then I would consider talking to her. However, as it stands right now, you can never expect a person to change who they have been the past almost forty years in one apology. They apparently also talked about Mike, and I. My mother said it seemed breaking up with Mike after what he did caused me to, “wake up.”

I wear “cute clothes” now, I got a manicure a week ago, and I am going to school with A’s everyday. What do you guys think? Have I, “woken up”? Was I asleep before? Was it really that kind of relationship before?

The only difference in my clothes I think is the two crop tops I wear now. I mean, I have had them over a year – I just never wore them because I did not have the confidence. I still do not, but I wear them anyways.

Now I want to go on a run. Dang it.

Almost Too Much!

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Earlier last week, I went to the ER for the first time since 2012 because of sharp chest pains, and collapsing in the shower. As usual, they could not find out what was wrong, so I was just sent home with instructions for an anti inflammatory which I still have not filled yet…

It has been about four days since then, and it has eased almost entirely now. Mostly, just some burst blood vessels and aches if I become to zealous.

In other news: I just registered for my summer courses! I will be in class four days a week. As well as three of the courses are expedited, so they are squished into half the time. Seven weeks for a whole course. Hopefully I can handle it.

I have had a few rebellious, impulsive thoughts as of late. I have been playing with the idea of getting an ear piercing. A Helix piercing, I think it is called? I want to be able to have those gorgeous ear cuffs I am so envious of. Also, a new phone. For days I have been battling against the desire to buy a new Galaxy S 6 Edge. I have the money! But should I? Every day it itches at me. Whether or not I should give in. I have enough, but literally – just enough and then I will be without money. I don’t know. Haha. It is an internal struggle of epic proportions. Then, there are hints that BTS may be having another concert tour this summer, and in the US! Do I hold off on money for that? I have never been to a concert before, and it would be fitting that theirs would be the first one I go to.

What to do? What to do?

I want to get out, and take my camera with me. It is spring break right now, but I have no plans as of yet. It would be great to get out, and actually do things. Socialize. Be out of the house.

However, my sleeping schedule is almost entirely out of whack now. Before, I could at least assume I would generally fall asleep after a few days for about five hours or so. Now, I just sort of fall asleep whenever. Sometimes less than twelve hours, sometimes not for days. Immediately following the day at the hospital I slept for almost twenty four hours. Last night, I fell asleep around eight pm and woke up at about one in the morning, or so. I have not knocked my head recently, so that is not it.

 

I do not know. Things are all kind of strange, and jumbled up as of late.

I waffle between happiness, sadness, anger and confusion constantly. If I even think of Mike for a second – I will be fuming for hours. That is guaranteed. I only hope I am doing the right thing by putting all this time, and money into my education for the LCSW. I am told as long as I continue to take 12 credits every semester, I will be at UCF by next Fall. Think I can manage that?

There is an issue with my OCPD, and school. Back when I was in K-12, I did not understand or care for grades. “What’s the point?” Came across my mind often. In college, however, anything less than a A+, and we have a problem. Do not get to class at minimum fifteen minutes early? Problem. Parking space halfway up, and in two specific lanes not available? Problem.

 

I have developed all this at first seemingly minor “preferences,” that have become quite full blown. I do not know if this is something I need to speak about with my therapist, and the disabilities office or not. By the way – if you have been holding back on going to school because of your mental/mood disorders – reach out. I would not be able to be in class if it was not for my sources at the school.

Anyways, I think that is it for me this morning.

As always, I hope everyone is well, and see you next time I get the urge to ramble on the internet.

You can blame my migraines?

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I have written two separate post drafts on separate topics. As my “regular” readers may know – can I really say regular, when I do not even post regularly? I generally only write when the mood strikes me. So, when I begin writing a draft and do not finish it in the one sitting I do not pick it back up.

All I do as of late comprises of school, BTS videos, homework, BTS music, studying Korean, BTS, and BTS. I do not have the current emotional or mental capacity for much else. If I leave my thoughts to their own doing, I will usually get either a migraine, and/or become extremely emotional. The primary emotions being rage and depression. I would like to avoid all of that in its entirety. Like, I have a migraine right now because of some frustrations with a friend I cannot openly express. I tried to. But she is stubborn and a bit too immature to heed my frankly wise words. This is one instance where I will not feel guilty for the I Told You So, dance. Truly.

I mentioned BTS earlier. BTS is a very… it is something I am quite grateful for as of late. I became a fan of this group out of Korea a little over a year and a half ago. Their work ethic, passion and talent is something that I strive for and admire very much. I listen to their music and read their interviews to keep me insane and remind me why I am going through so much to try to get to the life I want for myself. They were just kids when they started this journey almost three years ago. And I mean just kids. The youngest of the 7 boys was just 15 years old. They knew what they wanted to do at that age (technically younger since they trained for a number of years prior to their debut), and here I am having a hope that I know what I want for myself now at 24.

Thanks to my various conditions, I will wake up often and wonder if I want to even attempt the day. Or, be on campus and have convince myself if I want to stay. Either because of less than favorable social interactions, or I will be questioning my efforts. Usually, my mind will go to a tangent of could I say that I was working as hard as these kids. Would they do better than me in my shoes? I am quite the competitive person, hello OCPD, and when I cannot say yes – my ass gets up and goes to class. I do my homework. My laundry gets done. My animals are fed. All the little things and big things are accomplished. For that drive alone – I will be forever grateful.

I am extremely picky about what music I listen to. Hell, I am picky about everything. Everything must meet a certain level of criteria for me to be favorable of it. I think in images. It is apparently a rare quality, and I was only made aware of it within the last year. When I discovered K-pop, and subsequently the commonality of choreography with their music – I was quite pleased. It all began with Shinee’s, “Lucifer,” and went from there. Whenever I hear the music instead of having to visualize my own choreography – I just see theirs. Then, I started to learn the difference between the manufactured music, and the stuff that is composed with the artist involved. Either in part, or whole. Music from SM Entertainment literally comes out of Europe. The majority of it at least. YG Entertainment allows the artist a little more wiggle room creatively. With the label BTS is a part of, they are allowed a heck of a lot more room. Quite often, you will see the members names in the credits of the songs. They work on the producing, the lyrics, and even the album concepts over all. Collectively, they try to send messages with their music. They certainly are not the only group that does this. They just happen to be one of my favorites because they also do this in tandem with everything else.

 

Do I have any songs to recommend?

Hm…

I have different favorites for different needs. If I want to see a very upbeat choreo – I would have to go with DopeWar of HormoneDangerBoy in Luv, and I Need U.

Other upbeat songs are Second GradeBoys with FunMa City, and Hip Hop Phile.

Now, for songs that you can be sure will make me want to cry every time are: Hold Me TightTomorrow, and Nevermind. These are all BTS tracks. I just spent a solid twenty minutes formatting and tracking down all of these, so I will save BigBang and Block B for another time.

Funnily enough, I noticed my three top favorite groups all start with the letter B. BigBang, Block B, and BTS. They all also have that triple quality I require. Artistic involvement, strong choreography, and amazing work ethics. Little random tidbit for you.

So yes, some random rambling for you at five in the morning when I cannot sleep, or even relax because of yet another migraine. I cannot sleep normally anyways, so that is not surprising. I just happen to have another migraine right now.

I hope everyone is well and those that are having to get up because it is Monday morning after all: I am sorry and good luck out there today.

Interesting Things

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Prepare for lots of rambling.

     One of my classes this semester is Intro to Psychology. And it is essentially my guilty pleasure class even though I know it will also be my hardest class. My instructor/professor is pretty amazing. I also spent over five hours on the homework for that class alone today.

The power the mind has fascinates me. Especially my own. My ability to shut emotions on and off. To compress and forget. To take in and adapt on the other end of the spectrum. To simply survive.

I have had four concussion in my life. Three of them were serious concussions. One was the back of my skull when I fell off a high bunk bed onto the concrete floor below when I was five. Another, I was fourteen and was knocked full force into the corner of the cement wall with my right temple. And the last one I had, I was sixteen, and one of my dogs had tripped me and sent my right temple into once again, the corner of a wall. They say the elbow is the strongest part of your body. Krav Maga and all that. I was essentially Krav Maga’ed by a wall, twice. Ever since my first concussion the obvious effects were my now ferocious insomnia and traumatized circadian rhythm. My chronic migraines. As well as my severe inertia episodes.

If you have read previous entries that are possibly quite old, I went into deep discussion about my past. And why I am the way I am today. The difficulty to trust or express emotion. And with Mike, I broke past that. I said to hell with it. I trusted him. Too much, I know now, but I did. With everything I had – I trusted him. And I expressed my emotions. I did not hold back.

I chose the wrong person to put that kind of faith in. But the damage from doing so is unmistakable. However, I went to school every day. I did not hide away and lock myself in my room. Drown myself in ice cream and romantic comedies. I… went out and continued living. Because the fact is, Mike is not and was not my end all-be all. He was simply a chapter in my life and I had already started a better one by securing my future and furthering my education.

The Xanax is starting to kick in and hopefully I can get to bed shortly. I have to be up at 0700 to start getting ready for school.

 

Oh. I drink coffee now.

Grande French Vanilla latte with whip cream and caramel drizzle. Hot or Iced.

Time to Catch Up

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Hey there, everyone,

 

First of all: I made it into college. After some amazing coordination with the Office of Disabilities and admissions, I was granted residency status with a signed affidavit from my mother.

My fifth week of class is approaching and I have mostly settled into a groove. Some things are still choppy but it is getting there! Part of going to school meant getting internet and a new laptop so I could do all of my homework and assignments. Literally, I have been using my phone to work on Excel and type assignments on the old laptop using an on screen keyboard that sometimes worked. Plus it was sent to me by my ex. While most of the items from that relationship in my possession are being treated on a, “Voldemort,” basis – that laptop needs to go.

And by Voldemort, I mean – in the Harry Potter series a big component was fighting the fear of a name. “He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named,” and, “The Dark Lord.” But you shouldn’t show fear of a name. So fear of baseball cap. Disney pins I bought him but never got the chance to send. They do not send me into tears but I will not let them control my emotions and reactions. The key chain he bought me the last time he was here in Florida has been removed. A Stitch Pillow pet has been donated to the dogs.

He had cheated on me. How many times total… I do not know. But he lied when he did call to break up – citing mental health. However, Facebook always bites people in the ass. Especially if they are apparently not very intelligent. He let this new girl tag him as in a relationship since 3 AM, Christmas morning. But just didn’t make it visible on his page. We broke up on the 7th of this month. January.

Moving on. In both topic and chapter in my life. My life now resolves almost entirely around school. School, my pets, my parents and therapy. Not necessarily in that order. I do not have time to sew much anymore. Nor draw or paint. I hope to rectify that soon but I still have to figure out and learn proper time management before I can let that hobby take up time in my schedule.

I hope to be more active on here as time continues on. I have a very nice Asus Q552 to work on now so that should definitely help! I hated composing posts on my phone. Such a pain in the butt.