Trash Only. No Recycling.

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There is a realization for myself that I have been avoiding, yet expressed for years all at the same time.

Music is vital for my sanity. It is well known that I never, ever, go anywhere without my high quality headphones. Music fuels my emotions, and brings perspective to my surroundings. It translates my pain, my hopes, and my dreams into something that does require a shared language.

And precisely because of that… communicating my language is so hard. You feel isolated. I try sharing my music.

This means something to me.

ย  ย  ย  ย  ย  ย  ย  ย  “But,ย I cannot understand what they are saying.”

ย  ย  ย  ย  ย  ย  ย  ย  “I can’t really sing along to this.”

When I share music – I am sharing myself. Offering a deep emotion that I feel I cannot express in words otherwise. It has been a running joke for quite some time on,”Lara Language”. Since, communication is such a trial for me. My vocabulary is vast, and I have to constantly adjust in the moment, so others can understand the terminology and context I use. I learned to communicate in a short hand due to this. Either via gesticulations, music, or images in hopes that by removing the challenge of my words – one can understand my meanings universally.

Yet, this never seems to happen.

One of the worst feelings in the world is the thatย of oppressed silence. An empty room where the vibrations bounce off the walls to echo for an audience of none.

Listen to me.

I have something to say.

Will you please listen?

ย  ย  ย  ย  ย  ย  ย  ย  My composition professor today, after class, sympathized saying it must be difficult being the smartest person in the class. ย It is, and it is not limited to the classroom. With which an astounding intellect that seems to be inversely proportional to the rich social interactions that are possible. Add in a (very misunderstood and difficult) personality disorder… It is difficult. You spend a lot of your time feeling lonely, and yet there is a dichotomy of preferring the solitude over the lackluster interactions you would have to face otherwise.

I am a very articulate and intelligent person. So, why is it that I am so often misunderstood?

Or is it no one wants to understand.

Check, please.

 

Almost Too Much!

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Earlier last week, I went to the ER for the first time since 2012 because of sharp chest pains, and collapsing in the shower. As usual, they could not find out what was wrong, so I was just sent home with instructions for an anti inflammatory which I still have not filled yet…

It has been about four days since then, and it has eased almost entirely now. Mostly, just some burst blood vessels and aches if I become to zealous.

In other news: I just registered for my summer courses! I will be in class four days a week. As well as three of the courses are expedited, so they are squished into half the time. Seven weeks for a whole course. Hopefully I can handle it.

I have had a few rebellious, impulsive thoughts as of late. I have been playing with the idea of getting an ear piercing. A Helix piercing, I think it is called? I want to be able to have those gorgeous ear cuffs I am so envious of. Also, a new phone. For days I have been battling against the desire to buy a new Galaxy S 6 Edge. I have the money! But should I? Every day it itches at me. Whether or not I should give in. I have enough, but literally – just enough and then I will be without money. I don’t know. Haha. It is an internal struggle of epic proportions. Then, there are hints that BTS may be having another concert tour this summer, and in the US! Do I hold off on money for that? I have never been to a concert before, and it would be fitting that theirs would be the first one I go to.

What to do? What to do?

I want to get out, and take my camera with me. It is spring break right now, but I have no plans as of yet. It would be great to get out, and actually do things. Socialize. Be out of the house.

However, my sleeping schedule is almost entirely out of whack now. Before, I could at least assume I would generally fall asleep after a few days for about five hours or so. Now, I just sort of fall asleep whenever. Sometimes less than twelve hours, sometimes not for days. Immediately following the day at the hospital I slept for almost twenty four hours. Last night, I fell asleep around eight pm and woke up at about one in the morning, or so. I have not knocked my head recently, so that is not it.

 

I do not know. Things are all kind of strange, and jumbled up as of late.

I waffle between happiness, sadness, anger and confusion constantly. If I even think of Mike for a second – I will be fuming for hours. That is guaranteed. I only hope I am doing the right thing by putting all this time, and money into my education for the LCSW. I am told as long as I continue to take 12 credits every semester, I will be at UCF by next Fall. Think I can manage that?

There is an issue with my OCPD, and school. Back when I was in K-12, I did not understand or care for grades. “What’s the point?” Came across my mind often. In college, however, anything less than a A+, and we have a problem. Do not get to class at minimum fifteen minutes early? Problem. Parking space halfway up, and in two specific lanes not available? Problem.

 

I have developed all this at first seemingly minor “preferences,” that have become quite full blown. I do not know if this is something I need to speak about with my therapist, and the disabilities office or not. By the way – if you have been holding back on going to school because of your mental/mood disorders – reach out. I would not be able to be in class if it was not for my sources at the school.

Anyways, I think that is it for me this morning.

As always, I hope everyone is well, and see you next time I get the urge to ramble on the internet.

You can blame my migraines?

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I have written two separate post drafts on separate topics. As my “regular” readers may know – can I really say regular, when I do not even post regularly? I generally only write when the mood strikes me. So, when I begin writing a draft and do not finish it in the one sitting I do not pick it back up.

All I do as of late comprises of school, BTS videos, homework, BTS music, studying Korean, BTS, and BTS. I do not have the current emotional or mental capacity for much else. If I leave my thoughts to their own doing, I will usually get either a migraine, and/or become extremely emotional. The primary emotions being rage and depression. I would like to avoid all of that in its entirety. Like, I have a migraine right now because of some frustrations with a friend I cannot openly express. I tried to. But she is stubborn and a bit too immature to heed my frankly wise words. This is one instance where I will not feel guilty for the I Told You So, dance. Truly.

I mentioned BTS earlier. BTS is a very… it is something I am quite grateful for as of late. I became a fan of this group out of Korea a little over a year and a half ago. Their work ethic, passion and talent is something that I strive for and admire very much. I listen to their music and read their interviews to keep me insane and remind me why I am going through so much to try to get to the life I want for myself. They were just kids when they started this journey almost three years ago. And I meanย just kids. The youngest of the 7 boys was just 15 years old. They knew what they wanted to do at that age (technically younger since they trained for a number of years prior to their debut), and here I am having a hope that I know what I want for myself now at 24.

Thanks to my various conditions, I will wake up often and wonder if I want to even attempt the day. Or, be on campus and have convince myself if I want to stay. Either because of less than favorable social interactions, or I will be questioning my efforts. Usually, my mind will go to a tangent of could I say that I was working as hard as these kids. Would they do better than me in my shoes? I am quite the competitive person, hello OCPD, and when I cannot say yes – my ass gets up and goes to class. I do my homework. My laundry gets done. My animals are fed. All the little things and big things are accomplished. For that drive alone – I will be forever grateful.

I amย extremely picky about what music I listen to. Hell, I am picky about everything. Everything must meet a certain level of criteria for me to be favorable of it. I think in images. It is apparently a rare quality, and I was only made aware of it within the last year. When I discovered K-pop, and subsequently the commonality of choreography with their music – I was quite pleased. It all began with Shinee’s, “Lucifer,” and went from there. Whenever I hear the music instead of having to visualize my own choreography – I just see theirs. Then, I started to learn the difference between the manufactured music, and the stuff that is composed with the artist involved. Either in part, or whole. Music from SM Entertainment literally comes out of Europe. The majority of it at least. YG Entertainment allows the artist a little more wiggle room creatively. With the label BTS is a part of, they are allowed a heck of a lot more room. Quite often, you will see the members names in the credits of the songs. They work on the producing, the lyrics, and even the album concepts over all. Collectively, they try to send messages with their music. They certainly are not the only group that does this. They just happen to be one of my favorites because they also do this in tandem with everything else.

 

Do I have any songs to recommend?

Hm…

I have different favorites for different needs. If I want to see a very upbeat choreo – I would have to go withย Dope,ย War of Hormone,ย Danger,ย Boy in Luv, andย I Need U.

Other upbeat songs areย Second Grade,ย Boys with Fun,ย Ma City, andย Hip Hop Phile.

Now, for songs that you can be sure will make me want to cry every time are:ย Hold Me Tight,ย Tomorrow, andย Nevermind. These are all BTS tracks. I just spent a solid twenty minutes formatting and tracking down all of these, so I will save BigBang and Block B for another time.

Funnily enough, I noticed my three top favorite groups all start with the letter B. BigBang, Block B, and BTS. They all also have that triple quality I require. Artistic involvement, strong choreography, and amazing work ethics. Little random tidbit for you.

So yes, some random rambling for you at five in the morning when I cannot sleep, or even relax because of yet another migraine. I cannot sleep normally anyways, so that is not surprising. I just happen to have another migraine right now.

I hope everyone is well and those that are having to get up because it is Monday morning after all: I am sorry and good luck out there today.

Interesting Things

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Prepare for lots of rambling.

ย  ย  ย One of my classes this semester is Intro to Psychology. And it is essentially my guilty pleasure class even though I know it will also be my hardest class. My instructor/professor is pretty amazing. I also spent over five hours on the homework for that class alone today.

The power the mind has fascinates me. Especially my own. My ability to shut emotions on and off. To compress and forget. To take in and adapt on the other end of the spectrum. To simply survive.

I have had four concussion in my life. Three of them were serious concussions. One was the back of my skull when I fell off a high bunk bed onto the concrete floor below when I was five. Another, I was fourteen and was knocked full force into the corner of the cement wall with my right temple. And the last one I had, I was sixteen, and one of my dogs had tripped me and sent my right temple into once again, the corner of a wall. They say the elbow is the strongest part of your body. Krav Maga and all that. I was essentially Krav Maga’ed by a wall, twice. Ever since my first concussion the obvious effects were my now ferocious insomnia and traumatized circadian rhythm. My chronic migraines. As well as my severe inertia episodes.

If you have read previous entries that are possibly quite old, I went into deep discussion about my past. And why I am the way I am today. The difficulty to trust or express emotion. And with Mike, I broke past that. I said to hell with it. I trusted him. Too much, I know now, but I did. With everything I had – I trusted him. And I expressed my emotions. I did not hold back.

I chose the wrong person to put that kind of faith in. But the damage from doing so is unmistakable. However, I went to school every day. I did not hide away and lock myself in my room. Drown myself in ice cream and romantic comedies. I… went out and continued living. Because the fact is, Mike is not and was not my end all-be all. He was simply a chapter in my life and I had already started a better one by securing my future and furthering my education.

The Xanax is starting to kick in and hopefully I can get to bed shortly. I have to be up at 0700 to start getting ready for school.

 

Oh. I drink coffee now.

Grande French Vanilla latte with whip cream and caramel drizzle. Hot or Iced.

Time to Catch Up

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Hey there, everyone,

 

First of all: I made it into college. After some amazing coordination with the Office of Disabilities and admissions, I was granted residency status with a signed affidavit from my mother.

My fifth week of class is approaching and I have mostly settled into a groove. Some things are still choppy but it is getting there! Part of going to school meant getting internet and a new laptop so I could do all of my homework and assignments. Literally, I have been using my phone to work on Excel and type assignments on the old laptop using an on screen keyboard thatย sometimes worked. Plus it was sent to me by my ex. While most of the items from that relationship in my possession are being treated on a, “Voldemort,” basis – that laptop needs to go.

And by Voldemort, I mean – in the Harry Potter series a big component was fighting the fear of a name. “He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named,” and, “The Dark Lord.” But you shouldn’t show fear of a name. So fear of baseball cap. Disney pins I bought him but never got the chance to send. They do not send me into tears but I will not let them control my emotions and reactions. The key chain he bought me the last time he was here in Florida has been removed. A Stitch Pillow pet has been donated to the dogs.

He had cheated on me. How many times total… I do not know. But he lied when he did call to break up – citing mental health. However, Facebook always bites people in the ass. Especially if they are apparently not very intelligent. He let this new girl tag him as in a relationship since 3 AM, Christmas morning. But just didn’t make it visible on his page. We broke up on the 7th of this month. January.

Moving on. In both topic and chapter in my life. My life now resolves almost entirely around school. School, my pets, my parents and therapy. Not necessarily in that order. I do not have time to sew much anymore. Nor draw or paint. I hope to rectify that soon but I still have to figure out and learn proper time management before I can let that hobby take up time in my schedule.

I hope to be more active on here as time continues on. I have a very nice Asus Q552 to work on now so that should definitely help! I hated composing posts on my phone. Such a pain in the butt.

Rapid Cycling

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My Agoraphobia has reached an all time high.

I rarely leave the house. It takes an internal pep talk for the courage to go outside and feed my two cats.

Sometimes, I manage to go the Publix or the feed store to purchase hay for Miss Lola (who is doing great by the way). Straight there and back. I only learned a week ago that a Starbucks and Chipolte had popped up just on the other side of Publix and has been there for months.

I had not a single clue.

Lately thoughts are of dreaming of being stable and normal. Really. That isy big dream. To have a stable job and income that I enjoy. Enrolled in a nice university working on a Master’s degree. Not rapid cycling between hope, anger, despair and happiness.

Manic one day, literally – one day and the next is filled with suicidal ideation.

My sister attacked not only myself but my mother, my older brother and my father over my mental illness.

“She’s a mooch.”

“Right now she’s a waste of space piece of s***.”

“I’m only saying this out of love.”

The attack against me was from this direct quote of a text message excluding her name.

“We need to have a talk and some clarification.”

I sent this text after hearing about what she said to my mother. Normally, I am a send them to the burn unit, and give them the grand jury after kind of gal.

The rare ment where I am calm, cool and collected in initiating what I was hoping to be an educational conversation that would lend some perspective.

After her six page text of venom I only said two words, “good bye.”

My sister has always been verbally and emotionally abusive. But she had those teeny tiny moments when she was my best friend. I could go to her and she would hug me and make everything better.

While they were rare, they are very important to me.

However, the irnoy is – I am who I am because of her, today. She was the one who raised me until we moved to where we are now 17 years ago.

Fear of an opinion. Fear of weakness. Fear of love and affection. Because showing any of these things made me a target. Not my brothers, but me.

I did not have a favorite color until this time last year.

I did not understand how someone had a “favorite color” until after my miscarriage.

I remember sitting on the bus to school, trying to figure out what a favorite color was and how one chose their favorite color.

Was it pink?

No, everyone is made fun of for liking anything pink.

Was it green? Like my brother’s?

Nope, not that either. Not being original sets her off as well.

What about blue?

I don’t think so. Soany people say blue but like every other choice – they were just colors to me. Not a part of a personality or identity.

So, if I was scared and confused at the simple idea of owning to the notion of liking so much to call it your favorite color – imagine every other item, person, place or thing people expected you to have alignment with.

I don’t expect to speak to sister for a long time, if ever again.

I am doing everything I am capable of right now to be better.

There are so many times when like headlights the distance, see something is coming up that I need to recognize and work with but my brain cannot seem to connect how.

BIGBANG

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LOSER ์™ธํ†จ์ด
์„ผ ์ฒ™ํ•˜๋Š” ๊ฒ์Ÿ์ด
๋ชป๋œ ์–‘์•„์น˜ ๊ฑฐ์šธ ์†์— ๋„Œ
JUST A LOSER ์™ธํ†จ์ด
์ƒ์ฒ˜๋ฟ์ธ ๋จธ์ €๋ฆฌ
๋”๋Ÿฌ์šด ์“ฐ๋ ˆ๊ธฐ
๊ฑฐ์šธ ์†์— ๋‚œ Iโ€™M A
์†”์งํžˆ ์„ธ์ƒ๊ณผ ๋‚œ ์–ด์šธ๋ฆฐ ์  ์—†์–ด
ํ™€๋กœ์˜€๋˜ ๋‚ด๊ฒ ์‚ฌ๋ž‘ ๋”ฐ์œˆ ๋ฒŒ์จ
์žŠํ˜€ ์ง„์ง€ ์˜ค๋ž˜ ์ € ์‹œ๊ฐ„ ์†์—
๋” ์ด์ƒ์€ ๋ชป ๋“ฃ๊ฒ ์–ด
ํฌ๋ง์ฐฌ ์‚ฌ๋ž‘ ๋…ธ๋ž˜
๋„ˆ๋‚˜ ๋‚˜๋‚˜ ๊ทธ์ € ๊ธธ๋“ค์—ฌ์ง„ ๋Œ€๋กœ
๊ฐ๋ณธ ์†์— ๋†€์•„๋‚˜๋Š” ์Šฌํ”ˆ ์‚์—๋กœ
๋‚œ ๋ฉ€๋ฆฌ ์™€๋ฒ„๋ ธ์–ด
Iโ€™M COMING HOME
์ด์ œ ๋‹ค์‹œ ๋Œ์•„๊ฐˆ๋ž˜
์–ด๋ฆด ์  ์ œ์ž๋ฆฌ๋กœ
์–ธ์ œ๋ถ€ํ„ด๊ฐ€ ๋‚œ Yeah
ํ•˜๋Š˜ ๋ณด๋‹ค ๋•…์„ ๋” ๋ฐ”๋ผ๋ณด๊ฒŒ ๋ผ
์ˆจ์‰ฌ๊ธฐ์กฐ์ฐจ ํž˜๊ฒจ์›Œ
์†์„ ๋ป—์ง€๋งŒ ๊ทธ ๋ˆ„๊ตฌ๋„
๋‚  ์žก์•„ ์ฃผ์งˆ ์•Š๋„ค Iโ€™M A
LOSER ์™ธํ†จ์ด
์„ผ ์ฒ™ํ•˜๋Š” ๊ฒ์Ÿ์ด
๋ชป๋œ ์–‘์•„์น˜ ๊ฑฐ์šธ ์†์— ๋„Œ
JUST A LOSER ์™ธํ†จ์ด
์ƒ์ฒ˜๋ฟ์ธ ๋จธ์ €๋ฆฌ
๋”๋Ÿฌ์šด ์“ฐ๋ ˆ๊ธฐ
๊ฑฐ์šธ ์†์— ๋‚œ Iโ€™M A
๋ฐ˜๋ณต๋˜๋Š” ์—ฌ์ž๋“ค๊ณผ์˜ ๋‚ด ์‹ค์ˆ˜
ํ•˜๋ฃป๋ฐค์„ ์‚ฌ๋ž‘ํ•˜๊ณ  ํ•ด ๋œจ๋ฉด ์‹ซ์ฆ
์ฑ…์ž„์ง€์ง€ ๋ชป ํ• 
๋‚˜์˜ ์ด๊ธฐ์ ์ธ ๊ธฐ์จ
ํ•˜๋‚˜ ๋•œ์— ๋ชจ๋“  ๊ฒƒ์ด
๋ง๊ฐ€์ ธ๋ฒ„๋ฆฐ ์ง€๊ธˆ
๋ฉˆ์ถœ ์ค„ ๋ชจ๋ฅด๋˜ ๋‚˜์˜ ์œ„ํ—˜ํ•œ ์งˆ์ฃผ
์ด์   ์•„๋ฌด๋Ÿฐ ๊ฐํฅ๋„
์žฌ๋ฏธ๋„ ์—†๋Š” ๊ธฐ๋ถ„
๋‚˜ ๋ฒผ๋ž‘ ๋์— ํ˜ผ์ž ์žˆ๋„ค
Iโ€™M GOING HOME
๋‚˜ ๋‹ค์‹œ ๋Œ์•„๊ฐˆ๋ž˜
์˜ˆ์ „์˜ ์ œ์ž๋ฆฌ๋กœ
์–ธ์ œ๋ถ€ํ„ด๊ฐ€ ๋‚œ Yeah
์‚ฌ๋žŒ๋“ค์˜ ์‹œ์„ ์„ ๋‘๋ ค์›Œ๋งŒ ํ•ด
์šฐ๋Š” ๊ฒƒ์กฐ์ฐจ ์ง€๊ฒจ์›Œ
์›ƒ์–ด๋ณด์ง€๋งŒ ๊ทธ ์•„๋ฌด๋„
๋‚  ์•Œ์•„์ฃผ์งˆ ์•Š๋„ค Iโ€™M A
LOSER ์™ธํ†จ์ด
์„ผ ์ฒ™ํ•˜๋Š” ๊ฒ์Ÿ์ด
๋ชป๋œ ์–‘์•„์น˜ ๊ฑฐ์šธ ์†์— ๋„Œ
JUST A LOSER ์™ธํ†จ์ด
์ƒ์ฒ˜๋ฟ์ธ ๋จธ์ €๋ฆฌ
๋”๋Ÿฌ์šด ์“ฐ๋ ˆ๊ธฐ ๊ฑฐ์šธ ์†์— ๋‚œ
ํŒŒ๋ž€ ์ € ํ•˜๋Š˜์„ ์›๋งํ•˜์ง€ ๋‚œ
๊ฐ€๋” ๋‚ด๋ ค๋†“๊ณ  ์‹ถ์–ด์ ธ
I WANT TO SAY GOOD BYE
์ด ๊ธธ์˜ ๋์— ๋ฐฉํ™ฉ์ด ๋๋‚˜๋ฉด
๋ถ€๋”” ํ›„ํšŒ ์—†๋Š” ์ฑ„๋กœ
๋‘ ๋ˆˆ ๊ฐ์„ ์ˆ˜ ์žˆ๊ธธ
LOSER ์™ธํ†จ์ด
์„ผ ์ฒ™ํ•˜๋Š” ๊ฒ์Ÿ์ด
๋ชป๋œ ์–‘์•„์น˜ ๊ฑฐ์šธ ์†์— ๋„Œ
JUST A LOSER ์™ธํ†จ์ด
์ƒ์ฒ˜๋ฟ์ธ ๋จธ์ €๋ฆฌ
๋”๋Ÿฌ์šด ์“ฐ๋ ˆ๊ธฐ
๊ฑฐ์šธ ์†์— ๋‚œ Iโ€™M A
LOSER
Iโ€™M A LOSER
Iโ€™M A LOSER
Iโ€™M A LOSER