Out of the Norm

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Today I am doing something slightly out of the norm for me. Well, besides sitting around waiting. That is pretty on schedule in my case.

Did I mention I am the oldest in my composition class? Well, one of the younger students in my class asked for my help with her annotated bibliography for her research paper, as well as another paper. These assignments were due yesterday, but if I can help her, why not?

So, I have been sitting in Starbucks for just short of an hour listening the the hustle and bustle that manages to make its way past my SoundSport headphones. It is pretty crowded for me, and I had lucked out in being able to get a table with enough space, and access to an outlet. Pretty good, right?

Those the chairs suck. My back is killing me and my butt is numb. I have no idea how long we are going to be here, but hopefully it is not for too long. I want to go home, read, and unwind. I only managed to get a pathetic couple of hours of sleep last night.

Unless I am tucked away in my car, or at home – I am not the best at killing time. There is always the paranoia of people looking over my shoulder, and looking at what I am doing. So, that cuts out Tumblr, YouTube, and my books on my computer. I ended up playing some Firefly on Netflix while I finished my Chipotle from next door.

Do you know how hard it is to memorize a new keyboard? Without any visual aids beyond the Google Korean keyboard input on my phone? It is so annoying trying to type on my laptop, and reference that at the same time. So, there has been a bit of brainstorming trying to figure out how I could label the keys on my laptop without permanently doing so. I came up with the idea of getting some kind of transparent film and writing on character on one, then sandwiching the written character (in metallic inc for visibility) under another clear layer and sticking that to the keys individually. However… it has to be ultra fine, and transparent. I have yet to find an ultra fine tip metallic permanent marker/pen, or the proper film. When I was at Office Depot tryin to find said pens earlier, I gave in, and bought some “removable” scotch tape. However… it i s definitely not transparent. I learned this after removing the paper back, and pulling the tape forward. So… That was a fail. I will just have to try JoAnns. I am supposed to be going to Sanford tomorrow with my mom to visit my brother’s park to remember his birthday.

 

He would have been 41 this year. And 9 years gone from this world in May.

 

We miss you.

You can blame my migraines?

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I have written two separate post drafts on separate topics. As my “regular” readers may know – can I really say regular, when I do not even post regularly? I generally only write when the mood strikes me. So, when I begin writing a draft and do not finish it in the one sitting I do not pick it back up.

All I do as of late comprises of school, BTS videos, homework, BTS music, studying Korean, BTS, and BTS. I do not have the current emotional or mental capacity for much else. If I leave my thoughts to their own doing, I will usually get either a migraine, and/or become extremely emotional. The primary emotions being rage and depression. I would like to avoid all of that in its entirety. Like, I have a migraine right now because of some frustrations with a friend I cannot openly express. I tried to. But she is stubborn and a bit too immature to heed my frankly wise words. This is one instance where I will not feel guilty for the I Told You So, dance. Truly.

I mentioned BTS earlier. BTS is a very… it is something I am quite grateful for as of late. I became a fan of this group out of Korea a little over a year and a half ago. Their work ethic, passion and talent is something that I strive for and admire very much. I listen to their music and read their interviews to keep me insane and remind me why I am going through so much to try to get to the life I want for myself. They were just kids when they started this journey almost three years ago. And I mean just kids. The youngest of the 7 boys was just 15 years old. They knew what they wanted to do at that age (technically younger since they trained for a number of years prior to their debut), and here I am having a hope that I know what I want for myself now at 24.

Thanks to my various conditions, I will wake up often and wonder if I want to even attempt the day. Or, be on campus and have convince myself if I want to stay. Either because of less than favorable social interactions, or I will be questioning my efforts. Usually, my mind will go to a tangent of could I say that I was working as hard as these kids. Would they do better than me in my shoes? I am quite the competitive person, hello OCPD, and when I cannot say yes – my ass gets up and goes to class. I do my homework. My laundry gets done. My animals are fed. All the little things and big things are accomplished. For that drive alone – I will be forever grateful.

I am extremely picky about what music I listen to. Hell, I am picky about everything. Everything must meet a certain level of criteria for me to be favorable of it. I think in images. It is apparently a rare quality, and I was only made aware of it within the last year. When I discovered K-pop, and subsequently the commonality of choreography with their music – I was quite pleased. It all began with Shinee’s, “Lucifer,” and went from there. Whenever I hear the music instead of having to visualize my own choreography – I just see theirs. Then, I started to learn the difference between the manufactured music, and the stuff that is composed with the artist involved. Either in part, or whole. Music from SM Entertainment literally comes out of Europe. The majority of it at least. YG Entertainment allows the artist a little more wiggle room creatively. With the label BTS is a part of, they are allowed a heck of a lot more room. Quite often, you will see the members names in the credits of the songs. They work on the producing, the lyrics, and even the album concepts over all. Collectively, they try to send messages with their music. They certainly are not the only group that does this. They just happen to be one of my favorites because they also do this in tandem with everything else.

 

Do I have any songs to recommend?

Hm…

I have different favorites for different needs. If I want to see a very upbeat choreo – I would have to go with DopeWar of HormoneDangerBoy in Luv, and I Need U.

Other upbeat songs are Second GradeBoys with FunMa City, and Hip Hop Phile.

Now, for songs that you can be sure will make me want to cry every time are: Hold Me TightTomorrow, and Nevermind. These are all BTS tracks. I just spent a solid twenty minutes formatting and tracking down all of these, so I will save BigBang and Block B for another time.

Funnily enough, I noticed my three top favorite groups all start with the letter B. BigBang, Block B, and BTS. They all also have that triple quality I require. Artistic involvement, strong choreography, and amazing work ethics. Little random tidbit for you.

So yes, some random rambling for you at five in the morning when I cannot sleep, or even relax because of yet another migraine. I cannot sleep normally anyways, so that is not surprising. I just happen to have another migraine right now.

I hope everyone is well and those that are having to get up because it is Monday morning after all: I am sorry and good luck out there today.

Just the pits, man.

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Today marks two weeks until Mike flies in. I should be happy, excited and dancing around with the giggles.

But I am not.

Today has been filled with depressive thoughts with a suicidal filter like a bad instagram selfie.

I feel locked away in my house. Even if I didn’t have crippling agoraphobia, I have to plan weeks in advance to be able to use a car and leave.

For the past few days I have been trying to lightly ask about using the truck the Friday before Mike flies in so I can go get my hair done. I have had money set aside since November so the next time I saw Mike, I would not have two to four inches of roots showing.

Since my mother’s plan to buy my father a crappy car fell through she is in a bad mood.

We will just say, I am not getting the truck.

I spent four hours non-stop cleaning and cooking trying to have her in a good mood when she got home since Dad decided he wanted to save up more before going car shopping and I knew that would upset her.

My cleaning that was started hours before she got home was in her way of her putting down her garage sail finds and groceries.

Me offering her food made her upset and grouchy.

Asking if she wanted me to fill up her Pepsi cup sent her for a loop.

You cannot be nice to this woman, I swear.

It was expressed once again that they (my mother, really) are upset I am not seeking school, work or a doctor.

I can’t see a doctor because I do not have a car to go to the appointments, nor do I have the money for the appointments.  The majority of the last three months I have to without food and other necessities (I had to beg for tampons twice now) because I do not have the money to buy my own.

I cannot get a job because once again I do not have a car to actually get to and from nor do I have the imperative mental and emotional stability to be able to function in a work place since I cannot get to or pay for medical assitance.

I do not have a car because this family is entirely “you’re on your own”. Everything, from reading, washing your hair,  how to drive a car or cook your dinner because what they make, makes you sick – you have to teach yourself. Well.

I had to teach myself.

My brothers all had multiple cars given to them. College funds they chose to spend on not college. My mom and dad took turns teaching them how to drive and taking them out so they could practice.

I sound so whiny reading this over.

I am just hurt, I guess. I feel like the entire stack is against me and is going to fall over into a mess anyways.

Every day I have multiple panic attacks and thoughts of why bother? Absolutely and truly, why bother?

Why bother going to the doctor when they all say they can’t help me or that I don’t ‘seem’ sick simply because I am “articulate and sociable”.

Why bother looking for work when all it will do is compoud my illnesses and further my depression when I fail?

Something about me makes people dislike me. I ask everyone, ‘what am I doing wrong?’ I am polite, I always did my job well and apologized when I did not do well. I was always on time and offered to stay late and take shifts for those that needed to give them away.

And yet I always get pulled for discussions. When I would ask aboyt furthering my position in the company, ‘maybe not right now.’

Everywhere I go.

What the hell am I doing wrong?

After my family history and the issues at work I question everything I say and do.

If someone doesn’t respond to me, it breaks me down.

I curl up on my bed and cry.

Though to be honest even if I am talking to people I will probably still be curled on my bed crying between messages.

Now, I am fighting with every core of my being to not let Mike know what is going on in my head. I am terrified if he learns just how screwed up I still am, he will leave again. When he contacted me again, I was working and in therapy.

Now? I don’t leave my room. I don’t leave my bed.

The only people I talk to is my friend Michelle and Mike.

Today started with fighting not going right back to sleep. The rest of the day was fighting against the urge to take aspirin pm I have been holding onto.

I gave in about an hour ago.

My prayers are for sleep.

I Sit Here Waiting

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Listening to Lady Gaga on the office radio.

Nice.

I don’t even know the name of this song.

Love, love, love I want your love.

Oh. She just said it.

Bad Romance.

I’m surrounded by senior citizens in a doctors office listening to Lady Gaga belt out Bad Romance.

Does this strike anyone else as odd?

No?

Okay! How about this.

I cannot be trusted with scissors.

I had this seriously long errant thread on my dress that just had to go.

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Navy blue version of this dress

It drove me nuts the entire time I was Skyping with Mike. (Who made it safe for anyone wondering. After 48 hours of flying. More later.)

So after arriving at the doctor’s office for my first appointment with my new therapist, I asked at the check in desk if I could possibly use a pair of scissors really quick to cut it.
No worries, people. They had scissors.

However, she had to cut it.

Okay, then?

You do that.

Thankfully there was a lining to my dress and I could hike the lace overlay skirt over the counter for her to cut it. She didn’t even lean over or anything. Took her about seven tries to actually cut the string.

Yes, I am going to take those dull ass scissors and go ballistic up in this joint. The Lady Gaga was just too much and sent me right over that perilous edge.

Gah. There is a Disney resort mug I want to take a picture of but someone just sat in front of it.

Sass. I can never escape the place, can I?

I just listened to a mom explain to her child, that pollen is the stuff that makes people sneeze. As if it was just dust or something. On the same ranking as something that is made up dead hair and skin follicles

Her allergies must suck.

Onto more positive things, I guess.

Mike (gah, is it hard to not say Chairforce. It is even in my autocorrect dictionary!) landed safely like I said earlier. Took over forty eight hours of flying and that does not include layovers. I feel so bad for him.

Qatar is seven hours ahead and he Skyped me about twenty minutes before I was supposed to leave for my doctor’s appointment. But we did get to talk for about fifteen minutes before I left.

He has to walk a mile to do laundry.

Half a mile to use the bathroom.

And half a mile in a different direction to shower.

I feel bad for him but I know he is excited to get away and just kind of relax without school or Disney.

I’m home now. My head is screaming. I spent fifteen minutes just looking for Excederin.

Joan is the name of the therapist. She is tiny and up there in age. And I was correct. There was a reason they are referred by first name only. They are Licensed Social Workers, not a psychologist with a doctorate. Which in my ignorance didn’t realize were the therapists most people interact with. Did seem off. I asked about a psychologist, “we have those! Er. Not really.” Maybe she will be able to help?

Oh, my head hurts. Jeeze.

Anyways. I’m home. I have homework. I won’t be seeing Joan for another three weeks. The first available appointment. Like it is intense. Some of these social workers are booked past the first of the year!

Well, I have to go make dinner now. I hope everyone is well and doing great.

Posted from WordPress for Android. As much as I try to proof read, typos and grammatical errors will more than likely occur and I hope you can graciously forgive them and me.

I Wish Upon A Star

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It seems to be almost a promise that if I write that things are looking up, of course my next post will be about how things didn’t look up. Though this could be a simple continuation of the last post and my worries about how the medication may not be working when I am on the job. Like I said, it seems to work whenever I am at home but when I am at work it is a different story. 

I reported for my shift this Friday ready and excited to get through the weekend especially since I had some new dresses for trying dim sum for the first time the next day. 

It was okay, at first as usual. I did my pacing thing in the back office waiting for my shift. Which no one even questions any more. They just accepted that I can’t sit still very well. However there was one manager that I have always some issues with did not like it, His solution was to have me start early. I didn’t know how to say “no” to that so I went ahead and clocked in interrupting my ritual I guess you could say. Within two hours I noticed that I wasn’t able to finish my sentences. I couldn’t catch my breath, the room was spinning and I was developing chest pain. A few more check ins were attempted as I figured it would go away as these symptoms usually do with my panic attacks. The strange thing was that there wasn’t any feelings of panic beyond why was I experiencing these symptoms and why weren’t they going away? Over an hour I struggled through and eventually had to tap a manager on the shoulder and let her know what was going on as bare bones as I could – especially since we were on stage at that time. 

I asked after a possibility of an early release quickly and moved on to attempt working with another guest, during which my symptoms began to escalate. After finishing with the guest I moved to the managers office where I found the manager I spoke with earlier and quickly just said that I have a panic attack disorder and believed I was experiencing a panic attack. I explained the symptoms and that I wasn’t positive I would be able to make it for another five hours to the end of my shift. 

My Klonopin was in my purse so I grabbed that and filled my cup with water to sit down in the proffered office to hopefully work through the attack and see if I can talk myself into finishing my shift. 

One of my compulsions is writing as many of you know and tends to calm me down so I began to write out my symptoms and thoughts. One set was the realization that it wasn’t a matter of being able to finish the shift it was a compulsive thought line of “I can’t. I can’t. I can’t.” I could but I can’t

I hadn’t told my manager about the chest pain until another manager came in that was already familiar with my situation and told her about the chest pain and the pain that was psychosomatic-ly moving along my left arm centering at my elbow.

Which prompted questions if I would like paramedics and that I would need someone to pick me up as I would not be able to drive home.

Of course I turned down the offer for the alpha (paramedics). What if this was once again all in my head? Paramedics show up and my blood pressure is normal all that stuff. Plus paramedics, just for a panic attack? It just seemed silly.

And once again, of course came along the questions if this role was right for me. Should I transfer. (Get out of their hair).

“I’m doing better. Really. I don’t know why this is happening. I feel confident in my job. I was fine during the morning shifts. Which you would think would be the opposite for the lack of sleep I was experiencing due to the shift change. There is no reason to be feeling like this. No reason.

Eventually I called my mom and told her what was going on so I can make an appointment with my psychiatrist to look at my meds and get him to write a note for what was going on. And as usual for me the moment I got on the phone I started to blubber. Following that call, I called my friend Linda that I was going to be staying with that night anyways to see if she would come and pick me up.

So we left my car there, picked up some food on the way to her place and I hopped into the tub for a bath when we got back. And just sat in the water for maybe two hours, refilling the tub when the water became cold.

My coworker has become a close friend and has taken to calling me almost every day whenever he is bored and tends to have freaky timing. The moment I got of the tub and plugged in my phone expecting to not get a phone call, **ring ring**.

I told him about what happened and how I was feeling and he already started making plans on how to cheer me up. We were already meeting up for dim sum the next morning but since I wasn’t going to be able to work he was working with more time.

We ended up going to the M&M super store at the Florida Mall because “I need chocolate. Stressed backwards is desserts.”

Which took me a long time to figure out. For someone with dyslexia, that was pretty sad.

It had begun to rain a little bit but the beauty of Florida is that it never lasts long usually. We went to Gatorland. I had never been before. Bad Floridian, I know. But the number of gators they had astounded me!

So many gators!

So many gators!

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This poor guy was missing a foot.

This poor guy was missing a foot.

Gatorland also had birds. Lots and lots of birds. 

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Small birds.

Small birds.

Slightly bigger birds.

Slightly bigger birds.

Frou frou birds.

Frou frou birds.

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Native Florida birds.

Native Florida birds.

Then the creepy bird.

Then the creepy bird.

They sold little bags of hot dogs you could use to feed the gators and of course the birds were interested as well. I mean, who wouldn’t be? Free food! Except there are some birds that are determined to get your hot dogs. That is when the stalking began. This creepy freaking bird started to literally stalk us. 

Stalker.

Stalker.

And because my friend was the one holding the treats… he seemed to get the brunt of it.

Even with the emus

Even with the emus

IMG_2871His new found loves made for great photo opportunities however. 

I found out the weird vulture stork looking thing was actually called a Woodland Stork and they are the most aggressive of the varieties that were found at Gatorland.

Aggressive? These birds? No. They just want a hug. From a hot dog…

We ended the day with dinner at The Wave found at Disney’s Contemporary Resort. I of course have never eaten there before same with many of the restaurants my friend takes me to. He has taken me to the Sci-fi diner, dim sum, City Walk and T-Rex at Downtown Disney. 

The forty five minutes waiting for a table was spent talking about DAAR and my relationships with my coworkers, how I started at Art and should I stay. If I shouldn’t stay, where should I go?

I apparently had a bad start. Immediately singled out by (his words) jealous people that got the ball rolling for how people would interact with me the rest of my DAAR career. Just like Speedway it seems. 

While we were sitting down, an adorable little girl was playing “capture the daddy with a big squirt gun” and it was very cute. She would come into the area we were sitting in and chase after him. Eventually the father surrendered and corralled her off saying “They are trying to have romantic time. Let’s leave them alone.” 

Immediately. 

“Uhh.”

Me: Not exactly but sure let’s go with that!

We tend to get that reaction a lot and it doesn’t even phase me anymore. 

Soon after our little buzzer thing went off and we found our table. 

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Wonderful fluffy multi-grain bread served with soft butter and salt.

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He ordered the lamb with a substitution of Jade Rice and Caramelized Mushrooms.

He ordered the lamb with a substitution of Jade Rice and Caramelized Mushrooms.

I ordered the Flat Iron Steak with fingerling potatoes and a substitution of onion mashed potatoes.

I ordered the Flat Iron Steak with fingerling potatoes and a substitution of onion mashed potatoes.

As always I let him order my drink since he is the expert and has yet to lead me to a bad drink. I learned I prefer Mojitos made with Sprite as opposed to just soda water. But look at this garnish!

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And here is the dress I wore.

And here is the dress I wore.

By the end of the night, I was feeling a bit better. Still stressed. Worried. But definitely feeling better. 

Frustratedly Determined

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For the last two weeks or so, I have been taking Latuda. At first I had my reservations about it seeing as how it is generally used as a supplement with a mood stabilizer to treat Bipolar Depression but it seems to be working!

Lately, I have been braver; less anxious. I am not as prone to mood swings and my aspirations are high. However, so is my frustration.

My 23 birthday is in a 107 days and I am still living at home with no apparent move out date. Of course with this approaching, I can’t help but wonder if I will celebrate this year or not. When I try, it usually doesn’t go well. But who knows?

As of late I have been spending a lot of time outside of the house. A few times with a coworker and other times with the people I generally spend time with. Of course my camera went with me everywhere.

Next week is my last appointment with my current therapist and after she will be closing her practice for good. Then I must begin my search for a new therapist.

Also, I don’t feel talkative as of late. Blogging wise, that is. Socially I have been a lot better about not isolating myself as much.

I have my first shift in weeks on Sunday. Wish me luck

Posted from WordPress for Android. As much as I try to proof read, typos and grammatical errors will more than likely occur and I hope you can graciously forgive them and me.

Photography Practice

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I was finally able to borrow a friend’s laptop and transfer photos from my camera to my phone and share some with you, today.

*NOTE* These photos are unedited beyond sizing.

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Posted from WordPress for Android. As much as I try to proof read, typos and grammatical errors will more than likely occur and I hope you can graciously forgive them and me.