It is an emergency

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I stabbed myself with a pencil today.

Not deep but.

I called the emergency line from my insurance.

I am spiraling out of control. Doing horrible things.

I only hurt and destroy everyone and everything I come in contact with.

They’re going to call me back with an appointment with someone, some where.

My mom isn’t answering her phone.

I’m in a dangerous place.

Someone posted to Instagram “a woman with a beautiful body is good for a night. A woman with a beautiful mind is good for a lifetime.”

What if you have neither? Not to even get started on my physical flaws, but my mind is rotted and disfigured.

I’m good for nothing.

This post was drafted and published using the WordPress App for Android on my Galaxy S4. There are more than likely spelling or grammatical errors I may have missed before posting. Please forgive them, this is just a personal blog.

Where would you like me to start?

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Since my last check in I have had my face blow up like a balloon from a spider bite. I also gave up my car to my father so he would transportation to work and essentially fired my therapist and psychiatrist. Since that termination of service I have not taken a single mood stabilizer, anxiety medication, Xanax, Lunesta or any sleep aid nor any anti psychotics.

There was definitely a dark period of sleeping for ~19 hours straight. Constantly crying. I stopped talking to everyone except Mike. For about a week and a half I didn’t eat anything besides a slice of bread or the occasional small bowl of soup.

I met up with my friend CF for dim sum and could barely eat more than two shrimp balls and a flaky pork pastry because of the stomach pain.

Whenever I am stressed out or depressed and I happened to be both at the time, I stop eating. Usually I don’t even realize until the stomach pain hits.

Since my sleep cycle was mimicking that of a nocturnal creature; even if I had a car or money I would not be able to go grocery shopping.

After the day of stomach cramps, I have slowly been eating more. Usually I will find something I can make myself and eat and will make a new one every day. Unless I put a sign on it, by the time I went downstairs after Dad left for work he would take whatever I had made shortly after waking up for his lunch. 

I was never mad since I was the who didn’t label the food. Just upset I wouldn’t have food for the day.

Since Dad has been using my car it came to light I wouldn’t be able to seek therapy, or even start school or a job if I were able.

Mike comes down in 23 days. I’ve been worried lately thanks to the car situation but apparently we will be buying a car before he gets here with the captain’s daughter. Not even two weeks ago I wasn’t eating because there was no money to buy groceries that I could eat. Now we are buying Dad a car?

There has been a lot going on in the family. Things going on in Jersey that have been upsetting Mike and I. And other issues and I feel stretched out and thin. My very nature is to call out nonsense and be direct and right now that is the worst thing I can do in one scenario and won’t help anything in another scenario but make it worse thanks to their attitude.

In other news, I have slowly started working on a quilt for Mike. Very, very slowly. It will have the Hyrule crest on it and is about the size of a queen sized blanket. I do not have a rotary cutter and with arthritic wrists that have torn tendons so I can only work for about five minutes at a time before I have to put it down and stretch. I was hoping to at least have the toile/muslin version of the quilt top pieces together before Mike gets here but it isn’t looking like that is going to happen. My mom did buy an iron which does help to iron out the thousand never ending wrinkles and creases in the forty year old calico and cottons I am using.

This Christmas one of the four presents I got was a coloring book “patterns” filled with mehndi and paisley designs and I would finish coloring one every day. Start one at the end and finish it the next day after waking up and repeat.

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The last one was my favorite along with the top which was my first however what I thought was an empty sprite can tipped over and spilled ruining it. Sigh.

My days consist of Sprite, coloring, watching Dexter on DVD and talking to Mike when he is free.

Drafted and posted using my Samsung Galaxy SIII. Please do forgive any typographical errors.

There is This Thing Called “Bipolar”

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Those that have been with me on this blogging journey for a while know that I have been self aware of almost all of my problems my entire life. I had even started to give my demons names. Names like:

  • OCD
  • ADD
  • Depression

Calling them “quirks”.

Lists upon lists of my symptoms and feelings.

I had eventually learned how to handle and work around this “quirks” of mine and live my life as what I felt would simply be how my life would go. Until it started getting in the way more than it ever had before.

I was not going out to see friends, I wasn’t even speaking to people. For over a month and a half my phone was on ‘airplane’ mode. Nothing in, nothing out. Then, I was having trouble working. Finishing a shift was a nightmare and I felt very weak by the end of even the first half of my shift. Soon enough, I couldn’t work a single shift at all. Just the thought terrified me.

So, I sought help.

Went to see a psychiatrist recommended by a friend and had taken along a few sheets of paper from a legal pad where I had written down to the best of my abilities all my symptoms and problems.

On that day of March 31st in the year 2014, I was diagnosed as having Bipolar Disorder.

It kind of sent me for a loop and yet it didn’t at the same time. I was familiar with the illness. Many of my non blood related sibling that my mother had taken in were diagnosed as Bipolar.

I took the psychiatrist at their word and believed that yes, indeed, I was Bipolar.

The problem was convincing myself that I was Bipolar.

I didn’t figure out why this was such an issue until yesterday during my appointment with Peach (my online nickname for my psychologist).

As I had mentioned before, I was listing all my problems singularly as they came along. Lists after lists. Points after points. I simply could not understand how so many pages, so many entries could be wrapped up in this one little box that is Bipolar Disorder.

To help me come to terms, Georgia Peach went through a diagnostic exam asking me all the questions that would prove whether or not I was in fact Bipolar. Questions about kleptomania, obviously about moods, anger, depression, energy, insomnia and Obsessive Compulsive tendencies.

It definitely did help and it was in the middle of this evaluation that it hit me.

Poor Georgia Peach was slightly confused when all of a sudden I gasped and said, “I get it. I understand.”

Usually I try very, very hard not to interrupt people (one of my “rules”) and yet here I had. I excused myself and urged her to continue with what she was doing. After finishing reviewing the examination, I told her.

“And there you go. I knew you were a smart cookie.”

Bipolar Disorder, especially being diagnosed as Bipolar Severe, is something that will never, ever go away.

You can treat it. You can develop tools and ways on how to handle your episodes as they come.

You may be successful or you may not be successful.

But I have the power now to try. I have the power to do everything I can to actually try working with this illness.

Before, that power was unavailable to me.

But now I have it and now I am ready. Bipolar is not a disease a lot of people understand.

“Mood swings? You call what just happened with the excuse of a¬†mood swing?”

Well, yeah, but it is more than that.

As mental health comes more and more into the light, there is some understanding and easing of the stigma that clouds mental illnesses like a miasma.

But Bipolar Disorder is one of the disorders that continues to remain misunderstood.

And because of this, it isn’t something you can easily share. Not with friends, not with coworkers or even family.

So far… in my personal circle I can count on one hand how many people know about my recent diagnosis and I intend to only share it if it is indeed very necessary.

Just remember though, I have the power to live my life without this demon on my back.

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Cause Life Is So Difficult

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Why is it I finally feel like I can and want to sleep when I know I simply cannot? I leave for work in an hour but I’m so sleepy!

My wisdom tooth finally took a break and the attention was shifted to the pain in my back and sternum.

I’m very thankful to have a chance to work, since it is my only shift I could get this week when I very very desperately need the money. [Bills! Bills! Bills!]

But dang it if I don’t wish could just be a baby, whine and get some sleep.

Drafted and posted using my Samsung Galaxy SIII. Please do forgive any typographical errors.

Little Things Add Up Eventually

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So, to my surprise, a little bit ago the¬†magnificent¬†Trice nominated my blog and others for the Liebster Blog Award! Trice, you’re making me blush! I am so very flattered by this nomination and I love what this blog award does. At least for me, it brought a feeling of rejuvenation, inspiration, and well… just an over all feeling of Joy. Yeah, ¬†Joy with a capital “J”. I started this blog as a way of release and a manner of self therapy of sorts. I need something to nurture and concentrate on through the days.

So, thank you, Trice. I greatly appreciate your consideration and taking the time to reach out to me, and all of us whom you nominated. :]

Now on to the official stuff!

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Now folks, there are just five simple rules and they all revolve around the number eleven.

  1.  Nominees must link back to the blogger who awarded them
  2.  Write 11 random facts about yourself
  3.  Answer 11 questions asked by the blogger who nominated you
  4.  Nominate 11 new blogs that has less than 200 followers
  5.  Ask them 11 new questions

Now, with the nominating new blogs part… I would like to comment that some bloggers I contacted had chosen to decline. I cannot find or understand as to a reason why, but that is their choice, I am just way, way too curious for my own good! Haha. Others have also chosen not to respond. But that’s okay! I tried, and some just don’t find this is for them. :] Those who have replied will be included and I am so excited for them and this bouquet of fun that will be tossed their way!

11 Random Facts About Me

Well, this should be fun. Haha. Okay. And… start!

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Close enough.

1. I have this quirk, I guess you could say, that if anyone touches my nose – like “Boop! I booped your nose!” I have to rub and rub at my nose til this weird feeling or itch goes away. It drives me nuts, but Mike laughs his but off seeing how many times he can get away with it.

2. I am all for healthy eating and trying to go all natural, all that hype. But, I cannot deny a Sausage, Egg and cheese McMuffin from McDonald’s. Nope. Just can’t. I love those things.

3. If you try to make me try something new, I sniff it before I will ever even think of tasting what you are advocating. If I don’t like the smell, I will reject this offering whole heartedly and will probably never trust your taste in food again. ;] Unless it is pho. Try it a couple times and then you’re addicted and the smell or the thought of the smell will literally make you go through withdrawal.

4. My brother lived in Japan for five years at the Kanagawa Naval base while posted aboard a Naval cruise ship there. As a result, I learned in high school how to speak Japanese for the most part. As it has been close to seven years though since I have had a conversation in Japanese, yeah, I forgot most of what I learned. Along with what Spanish I learned in those years, too. But every once in a while apparently, I say these “Asian thing-ers” as Mike calls them. Supposedly this is how he tells if I am moody or sick. Weirdo. Total Weirdo.

5. Throughout my entire middle school and high school years, everyone believed I was going to go to law school and become a lawyer. Yup, I was the one with the sass mouth that argued your pittance if you did anything to cross me.

6. Two favorite shows on TV when I was able to watch them : Criminal Minds, and Doctor Who. In regards to the good Doctor, 9 and 10 all the way! Come on! Tenant had the most adorable freckles to go with his quirkiness. I am sorry he still hasn’t gotten to be a ginger. Poor guy. He wanted it so bad!

7. All the pictures of all my posts previous to “May I put you on hold” were taken on my Samsung Galaxy S III. I love that phone. I worship that phone. That was my computer, my connection to everything. And the camera is just amazing. Even when I looked at my posts on my laptop the pictures were still focused and crisp and beautiful.

8. Speaking of photos, I am not one of those that since the dawn of instagram, believe I am a photographer simply because of a filter. If any of my photos were edited, I went into an editor and manually fiddled with the saturation, the brightness, the contrast, black and white constrast. But most of the time, the angle and lighting I choose does all the work.

9. There is a bar near where I live called Turkleton’s Tavern. I went there this past Thursday and ordered an appletini. Or apple martini. If you can guess why, you are an amazing taste in television that I adore. Comment down below if you can guess, please!!

10. I have one of Mike’s hoodies from when he was in NJROTC in high shcool and I can’t sleep without it. Yup. Loser, I know.

11. Once you get me started, I rarely shut up. Well, I might get quiet, but then I see a squirrel and run after that. Then come back and jabber about how I love squirrels. Haha. Seriously. I love squirrels. I found an albino one at Cornado Springs and I took a video of him for about 4 minutes. If I can get to a solid enough internet connection, maybe I will upload it. :]

The 11 Questions Trice had for her nominees:

1. What is your favorite part about blogging?

My favorite part about blogging is that connection and motivation. There is such a community amongst bloggers and their circles within. To me, that is especially important. Blogging for me is a release and almost in a way, therapeutic. Just letting go all these crazy thoughts in my head and the creations that have been born from them.

2. What is your favorite type of food?

Comfort food, for sure. Pho. Mashed Potatoes. Chicken and Gnocci soup from Olive Garden (Heaven!). I have never been one for the sophisticated flavors. Yes, I was a chef. Classic and pastry. I loved to create the dishes and desserts, but you could rarely get me to reach for that plate. Comfort food, chuck full of carbs. Yeah…
Crap. Now I want pho.

3. What was the most embarrassing outfit or item of clothing/accessory you have wore in your life?

Hm… believe it or not, when I was twelve, I had an entire pink outfit I wore to school once. Pink 3/4 sleeve shirt, bright pink capris, and I wore pink socks with my sneakers. Why? I thought that was how you color coordinated. If it was all one color, no way could things mismatch! Yeah. That had a one day debut on the first day of sixth grade. I learned my lesson right quick. Yikes.

4. What song do you currently have on repeat?

Fat Bottomed Girls by Queen. Oh,yes. I grew up on this. Whenever I get frustrated or stuck on anything, I either toss in Queen’s Greatest Hits, Aerosmith, AC/DC or Jethro Tull. Fat Bottomed Girls happens to be quite the favorite.

5. I scream, you scream, we all scream for _____?

ICE CREAM! But then I ask for sorbet. Yeah. Blood Orange or Raspberry. There is this brand at Publix that just makes my mouth water. We used these two flavors at an event I organized the dinner for and they were just… phenomenal. But yeah, ice cream can be the bomb diggity. “Bomb diggity”? Why, Lara, why?

6. What is your 9-5 job?

I work at the Magic Kingdom, located within the Walt Disney World Resort in Orlando, Florida. Technically it resides within Lake Buena Vista for Epcot, Magic Kingdom and Hollywood Studios. But Kissimmee, Florida is where Animal Kingdom resides. Different sales tax and everything!

7. If you could go back to any time in history when would that be and why?

Ooh… toughy. Hm… Wouldn’t it be awesome if someone went back and found out how the Egyptians built the pyramids, and their grand chariots? I think I would have also have liked to have gone back to the era right before the Samurai “went” out of fashion in Japan. Do you think I would be lucky enough to meet a ninja? Dang. I cannot make up my mind. You know what this question makes me think of? “Would you rather be the Doctor or his companion?” BOOM. Instant debate. “How do you feel about how some compare the recent works of Moffat to Twilight?” Whovian, me? Possibly.

8.Who is your favorite blogger?

Hm… outside WordPress, I love the blog of a woman whom resides at Shutter Bean. It is a food based blog with a strong vein of photography and her photos are glorious!
But on WordPress, I would have to say one of my favorite bloggers (as we all know I can never make up my mind) would be one that I came across this morning. Simply for her utter talent. “Angela’s Anime and other arts”. She drafts, drapes and comes up with her own cosplay patters from a drawing guys. A DRAWING. And the results are just gorgeous. And I am so jealous. So very jealous. I hope one day I can accumulate such ease on completing such a triumph at that.

9. Do you have any goals for 2013?

One word: college. I want to finally get started on college. I graduated from high school almost three years ago, but life… simply got in the way. I had to take care of my mom, which I still do and I was also running my boyfriend-of-the-time’s bakery. I tried to make that work, but sometimes you just can’t work with stupid. Now am I referring to the boy are the bakery? Heh.

10. What hobby takes up most of your attention?

Funny question. See, I have this thing called A.D.D. So, I guess you could say that takes all of my attention. ;] But really? It is a du jour fashion. I rotate different hobbies and when I am on a roll it takes over everything. So be it painting, writing, making stuff with duct tape, sewing, making jewelry or any other of my 101 other hobbies, I am usually spread out amongst all of them.

11. What is your favorite book that you can read over and over again?

Anything of Piers Anthony. Journey to the Center of the Earth, by Jules Verne. Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. Oh, the list goes on forever and ever and ever. I am a very healthy book nerd. I was the kid in class with the backpack instead of being full of textbooks, had about 8-11 different novels or papers backs I was working through.

Now! My questions for you!

1. I referenced this when I answered Trice’s question regarding a trip back in time. For you Whovians out there – would you prefer to the Doctor with the Sonic Screw Driver, or the companion? Or worded in a different way; would you rather be Sherlock Holmes or Dr Watson?

2. What is your strangest quirk?

3. Do you have a super pet peeve and where do you think it developed from?

4. What is the strangest food you have ever been introduced to?

5. You have a hobby yes? More than likely sew? Yes? Well, I want to know what part about this hobby do you hate the most? You love this activity, you have an amazing time, but there is just one part you really wish you could avoid. What is that? I am so curious to know these kinds of things!

6. Do you prefer to buy generic or brand name? Even indie brands.

7. Do you prefer to go shopping via the internet or the actual sales location?

8. What is the hardest part and easiest part of blogging for you?

9. Do you have any tips to offer to other apsiring bloggers and writers/crafters/people?

10. Do you have an accent into relation where you are from? Say, southern if you’re from the south. The like.

11. What is your favorite snack to nibble on?

Now! For the moment you all have been waiting for! My nominations!

Erin

MacStabby!

Samantha Nicolette

Kab

Yenny

Everyone should most definitely visit the blogs of these lovely people. They all very creative, talented and so deserving of your time and attention! I cannot wait to read what y’all have to say and look forward to any posts of treasure you have for us in the future!

I must say thank you again to the amazing lady, Trice for taking part in this and nominating me! Thank you very, very much!

Have a happy and magical night everyone!

Lara

Heck if I know!

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So,  yesterday,  I spent a good part of my time wrapping old washer rings for pattern weights and sewing a pair of shorts I had jury rigged a pattern for.

I got the jist,¬† but I am not perfect at them yet. The waist band seems to be very lose just at the back and making darts doesn’t seem to fix it!

So,  I move on for a moment. I found a link to a tutorial for a very awesome dress. It seems simple enough and the entire theory behind it is trial and error,  finding out what works for you!  Which is perfect for me!  Cause that is how my mind works.  Haha.

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I may not have such a unique and gorgeous panel of fabric but I suppose that is just as well seeing as how I will probably have to do it over and over again! I am slightly worried about when I have to rip out the seams since I am using a box cutter at the moment because I broke my seam ripper a few days ago. I didn’t even know you could do that!

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I am going to make my first few tries out of this fabric since for whatever reason my mom had about 11 yards of it! But the moment I saw that dress, a different fabric came to mind straight away.
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This light creamy pink brocade that had been added to the collection about four years ago. I only have about three yards of this however so my mistake bank doesn’t exactly have a lot of room.

Wish me luck! I have a feeling that bodice piece and those darts are going to give me the most trouble…