It seems to be almost a promise that if I write that things are looking up, of course my next post will be about how things didn’t look up. Though this could be a simple continuation of the last post and my worries about how the medication may not be working when I am on the job. Like I said, it seems to work whenever I am at home but when I am at work it is a different story.
I reported for my shift this Friday ready and excited to get through the weekend especially since I had some new dresses for trying dim sum for the first time the next day.
It was okay, at first as usual. I did my pacing thing in the back office waiting for my shift. Which no one even questions any more. They just accepted that I can’t sit still very well. However there was one manager that I have always some issues with did not like it, His solution was to have me start early. I didn’t know how to say “no” to that so I went ahead and clocked in interrupting my ritual I guess you could say. Within two hours I noticed that I wasn’t able to finish my sentences. I couldn’t catch my breath, the room was spinning and I was developing chest pain. A few more check ins were attempted as I figured it would go away as these symptoms usually do with my panic attacks. The strange thing was that there wasn’t any feelings of panic beyond why was I experiencing these symptoms and why weren’t they going away? Over an hour I struggled through and eventually had to tap a manager on the shoulder and let her know what was going on as bare bones as I could – especially since we were on stage at that time.
I asked after a possibility of an early release quickly and moved on to attempt working with another guest, during which my symptoms began to escalate. After finishing with the guest I moved to the managers office where I found the manager I spoke with earlier and quickly just said that I have a panic attack disorder and believed I was experiencing a panic attack. I explained the symptoms and that I wasn’t positive I would be able to make it for another five hours to the end of my shift.
My Klonopin was in my purse so I grabbed that and filled my cup with water to sit down in the proffered office to hopefully work through the attack and see if I can talk myself into finishing my shift.
One of my compulsions is writing as many of you know and tends to calm me down so I began to write out my symptoms and thoughts. One set was the realization that it wasn’t a matter of being able to finish the shift it was a compulsive thought line of “I can’t. I can’t. I can’t.” I could but I can’t.
I hadn’t told my manager about the chest pain until another manager came in that was already familiar with my situation and told her about the chest pain and the pain that was psychosomatic-ly moving along my left arm centering at my elbow.
Which prompted questions if I would like paramedics and that I would need someone to pick me up as I would not be able to drive home.
Of course I turned down the offer for the alpha (paramedics). What if this was once again all in my head? Paramedics show up and my blood pressure is normal all that stuff. Plus paramedics, just for a panic attack? It just seemed silly.
And once again, of course came along the questions if this role was right for me. Should I transfer. (Get out of their hair).
“I’m doing better. Really. I don’t know why this is happening. I feel confident in my job. I was fine during the morning shifts. Which you would think would be the opposite for the lack of sleep I was experiencing due to the shift change. There is no reason to be feeling like this. No reason.“
Eventually I called my mom and told her what was going on so I can make an appointment with my psychiatrist to look at my meds and get him to write a note for what was going on. And as usual for me the moment I got on the phone I started to blubber. Following that call, I called my friend Linda that I was going to be staying with that night anyways to see if she would come and pick me up.
So we left my car there, picked up some food on the way to her place and I hopped into the tub for a bath when we got back. And just sat in the water for maybe two hours, refilling the tub when the water became cold.
My coworker has become a close friend and has taken to calling me almost every day whenever he is bored and tends to have freaky timing. The moment I got of the tub and plugged in my phone expecting to not get a phone call, **ring ring**.
I told him about what happened and how I was feeling and he already started making plans on how to cheer me up. We were already meeting up for dim sum the next morning but since I wasn’t going to be able to work he was working with more time.
We ended up going to the M&M super store at the Florida Mall because “I need chocolate. Stressed backwards is desserts.”
Which took me a long time to figure out. For someone with dyslexia, that was pretty sad.
It had begun to rain a little bit but the beauty of Florida is that it never lasts long usually. We went to Gatorland. I had never been before. Bad Floridian, I know. But the number of gators they had astounded me!
Gatorland also had birds. Lots and lots of birds.
They sold little bags of hot dogs you could use to feed the gators and of course the birds were interested as well. I mean, who wouldn’t be? Free food! Except there are some birds that are determined to get your hot dogs. That is when the stalking began. This creepy freaking bird started to literally stalk us.
And because my friend was the one holding the treats… he seemed to get the brunt of it.
I found out the weird vulture stork looking thing was actually called a Woodland Stork and they are the most aggressive of the varieties that were found at Gatorland.
Aggressive? These birds? No. They just want a hug. From a hot dog…
We ended the day with dinner at The Wave found at Disney’s Contemporary Resort. I of course have never eaten there before same with many of the restaurants my friend takes me to. He has taken me to the Sci-fi diner, dim sum, City Walk and T-Rex at Downtown Disney.
The forty five minutes waiting for a table was spent talking about DAAR and my relationships with my coworkers, how I started at Art and should I stay. If I shouldn’t stay, where should I go?
I apparently had a bad start. Immediately singled out by (his words) jealous people that got the ball rolling for how people would interact with me the rest of my DAAR career. Just like Speedway it seems.
While we were sitting down, an adorable little girl was playing “capture the daddy with a big squirt gun” and it was very cute. She would come into the area we were sitting in and chase after him. Eventually the father surrendered and corralled her off saying “They are trying to have romantic time. Let’s leave them alone.”
Me: Not exactly but sure let’s go with that!
We tend to get that reaction a lot and it doesn’t even phase me anymore.
Soon after our little buzzer thing went off and we found our table.
As always I let him order my drink since he is the expert and has yet to lead me to a bad drink. I learned I prefer Mojitos made with Sprite as opposed to just soda water. But look at this garnish!
By the end of the night, I was feeling a bit better. Still stressed. Worried. But definitely feeling better.