I Don’t Know What Is Wrong

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Yesterday was Hell Day, and I think I was the only one who remembered it.

Seven years since Robbie died.

I didn’t leave the house other than to go to the library to pick up the books that came in. I had placed Bipolar: A Survival Guide on hold as well as various photography books on hold in preparation for Thursday.

This past Wednesday when I found out I was scheduled three days in a row, my mother offered a bribe or reward of sorts. Her suggestion was a serger, but I knew there was a chance it would be untouched. I knew what I wanted. A real camera. And not a point or shoot either.

I loved taking photos with my SIII, but it is very restricting. For years I have been wanting a DSLR, something within the T*I series from Canon and the T3i was on sale.

I had realized soon after that, that I had managed to transfer my obsessive anxiety from my fears about work to my absolute desire for this camera.

And guess what?

I made it through all three days. It was rough. Very rough. On Saturday I was feeling a bit of mania towards the end. It was two AM, I hadn’t slept since Thursday and I was willing to keeping going and do the 3rd shift if someone called in. I wanted to go go go.

Sunday was the worst. I had a break down towards the end when I had a cash payment and realized everyone else would be gone if I did something wrong. I pulled aside an FSA I trusted and asked to speak in private. I had come to him with health usually physical issues before he had been receptive.

I explained my diagnoses and the panic attack I was about to have. It was almost twelve thirty at night and with the lack of sleep it wouldn’t be safe to take any dosage of Klonopin as I had already taken half a tab about four hours previous.

The closing manager popped his head in to see what was going on and that’s when I broke.

I told the FSA he could explain what was going on by pointing between them from where I had turned around to face away when I was crying.

I hate crying.

By the end of the night I wasn’t the only one.

But before that, they offered to let me bank out early and walk me through it.

I took my second break after to try and pull back together but before my break was over I was walking past the back office when I heard someone consoling, “it’s okay. You’re not in trouble…” And I saw one of our girls that had been there for a while. Very socially awkward, and well, a lot of people talk about her.

Immediately my own instincts kicked in and I held my arms out for a hug.

Just like my mother, I take care of others better than myself.

After making sure it was okay and seeing the signs of a panic attack on the rise, I showed her my hiding spot in the stock room where it was dark and quiet.

And I just let her let it out.

After a moment she confided that the on duty manager was the only one she felt comfortable with, I encouraged her to speak with him and seek assistance.
He was with a guest so I took her back and had her sit down again and waited for him to find us.

I was commended for helping her but I didn’t know how to explain it was instinct and empathy.

He then spent the next hour or so in the office with her, talking with her as he did his closing paperwork. Every few guests I would check on her and get a thumbs up and a small smile.

Anyways. I made it through the three days and earned that camera.

Now I have to wait til Thursday. Just two days.

On Sunday before work I made an order on Amazon for a wireless remote, an SD card holder and well, an SD card. Sony 16 GB class 10.

It made the $35 free shipping option and I am still waiting for it to ship. It has never taken Amazon, as all are by Amazon, a full day to ship out and it has been a day and a half. I am just being very impatient.

Yesterday, I kept checking my email again and again waiting for that shipping notice. Hoping the high of my items shipping would help me forget what day it was. I was feeling exhausted and couldn’t shake it. Eventually I fell asleep around three PM and didn’t wake up til 8 AM this morning. I still feel exhausted and depressed and down.

Tomorrow is my last EAP visit with Georgia Peach and another week closer to her practice closing.

This post was drafted from mobile device and is more than likely riddled with typos and grammatical errors. Please forgive and forget folks. If it is not too much of a bother, that is.

An Idea

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I kinda wanna just, starting for next year, whenever I buy myself something – wrap it up ask pretty like and set it aside for Christmas. I will have a Christmas next year damn it! And it will be so long since I got these things, I’m hoping I’ll forget exactly what they are come Christmas day.

The idea was quite a selfishly genius one, I thought.

Drafted and posted using my Samsung Galaxy SIII. Please do forgive any typographical errors.

Wishes

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I cannot remember the last time I actually celebrated Christmas. Went out and bought a tree and did the trimmings. The holidays are very akin to land mines in my house. You’re just waiting for someone to take a misstep and there she blows.

There is this awesome Christmas tree farm close to my house where you can walk the fields and cut down the tree you choose yourself. I only got to do that once with my dad and brothers. Now that I’m thinking about it, I’m pretty sure that was the last time we had a tree in the house for Christmas. That was back in middle school, so over ten years ago.

I’m also really close to biting the bullet and quitting my job out at Disney. I feel it is going absolutely no where and just leads to anxiety and stress.¬† But it has been my standard for a work environment for so long, I’m wary to give up and walk away.

For my future, I want stability and ease. Independence. The ability to stand on my two feet, live by myself and feel like I don’t owe anyone. An apartment of my own with just me, decorated by me and no roommates.

I don’t share share living spaces easily. After just a couple days of spending the night at someone’s house, I start to go a little crazy. Irritable. Depressed. And if it was the rare occasion where it was the other way around, I would be antsy by the end of the first night.

But back to Christmas, I want to be able celebrate and decorate for Christmas next year. With my own car. My own tree. My own home. Settled and ready to nest in.

Drafted and posted using my Samsung Galaxy SIII. Please do forgive any typographical errors.

Do You Day Dream?

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I day dream, a lot. Almost constantly actually. It is how I fill my time and is a favorite past time of mine. It helps me to remind myself that the future has more possibilities than I can imagine. Better and brighter possibilities!

I day dream of having the ability to have the things I want one day.

I dream of being able to do the things I want to do.

I dream of being able to¬†create¬† the things I see in my mind’s eye.

I dream of happy and calm spaces.

I know that some dreams do come true. You just need a little faith, trust, and getting off your darn ass and doing something about it! No silly pixie dust here.

Also, thanks to The Perfect Nose’s post The Bra Sewing Survey, I can’t stop thinking about the possibility of having an amazing bra that actually fits! And the awesome challenge of actually making one. ¬†My measurements come out to 29″/33.5″ and from my understanding you round the band up to the next even number and that gives you 30C. No one commercially makes that, and it is difficult enough trying to find a 32C. I cannot find any at my local Target, Wal*Mart or Kohls! Gr. So I wind up spending $50 a bra at Victoria Secret. They are nice, I just cannot manage the price tag.

Speaking of not being able to manage the price tag…

My eyes are much much larger than my bank account.  But I have done my research!

I went to Jo Ann and spoke with the representative there for a good while trying to figure out a machine that would best fit me. As I dwell more and more on what I want, I know it has to be a role of creation. I may want to help people, but I cannot begin to help others til I can help myself.

And if I want to create I need a machine that won’t feed my fabric¬†sideways. No wonder I can’t sew evenly. Once I figured that out I couldn’t stop laughing for a good bit. I guess my calibration is as wonky as my sewing machine!

The sewing machine we decided on in the end was the Singer Confidence Quilter 7469Q.

+ 98 Built in stitches

+ Programmable Needle Up/Down (I want this)

+ Drop feed for free motion sewing

+ Bonus Quilting Accessories

+ Extension Table

+ Drop and sew bobbin system

+ 7 Full Automatic 1-Step buttonholes

+ Automatic needle threader (Can I get a what what?)

    I know I deserve the tools I need to create the designs I dream. I have discovered sewing and drafting is one of the few things that I can use as a tool to work through my depression and anxiety attacks. It calms me down and brings me to a zen state of mind.

    On that note, I have chosen to help my good friend get the clothes she wants and deserves. I have been doing a lot of research and  looking around and decided that the Dritz My Double Deluxe Dressform (small) would be worth the investment. It has the proper measurements for us both and has the best reviews.

+ Off set center pole for hanging pants along with shaped hips, bottom and thighs for fitting pants

+ Longer pole to help out taller women and for wedding and evening gowns

+ Extended shoulder for supporting and setting sleeves.

+ 12 rotating dials located at the bust, waist and hips that can be moved in precise increments.

– Bust – 33″ – 41″

– Waist – 26″ – 34″

– Hips – 36″ – 44″

– Back ~Waist Length – 14″ – 16″ / 13.5+ (neck)

+ Adjustable neck with pin cushion

+Pin hem marker and foam back Nylon cover for easy pinning and marker

¬† ¬† Oh, goodness do I want these. I’m going to work my butt off doing what I can to see if I cannot deserve these gorgeous things.

What is on your wish list right now?