I Wish Upon A Star

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It seems to be almost a promise that if I write that things are looking up, of course my next post will be about how things didn’t look up. Though this could be a simple continuation of the last post and my worries about how the medication may not be working when I am on the job. Like I said, it seems to work whenever I am at home but when I am at work it is a different story.¬†

I reported for my shift this Friday ready and excited to get through the weekend especially since I had some new dresses for trying dim sum for the first time the next day. 

It was okay, at first as usual. I did my pacing thing in the back office waiting for my shift. Which no one even questions any more. They just accepted that I can’t sit still very well. However there was one manager that I have always some issues with did not like it, His solution was to have me start early. I didn’t know how to say “no” to that so I went ahead and clocked in interrupting my ritual I guess you could say. Within two hours I noticed that I wasn’t able to finish my sentences. I couldn’t catch my breath, the room was spinning and I was developing chest pain. A few more check ins were attempted as I figured it would go away as these symptoms usually do with my panic attacks. The strange thing was that there wasn’t any feelings of panic beyond why was I experiencing these symptoms and why weren’t they going away? Over an hour I struggled through and eventually had to tap a manager on the shoulder and let her know what was going on as bare bones as I could – especially since we were on stage at that time.¬†

I asked after a possibility of an early release quickly and moved on to attempt working with another guest, during which my symptoms began to escalate. After finishing with the guest I moved to the managers office where I found the manager I spoke with earlier and quickly just said that I have a panic attack disorder and believed I was experiencing a panic attack. I explained the symptoms and that I wasn’t positive I would be able to make it for another five hours to the end of my shift.¬†

My Klonopin was in my purse so I grabbed that and filled my cup with water to sit down in the proffered office to hopefully work through the attack and see if I can talk myself into finishing my shift. 

One of my compulsions is writing as many of you know and tends to calm me down so I began to write out my symptoms and thoughts. One set was the realization that it wasn’t a matter of being able to finish the shift it was a compulsive thought line of “I can’t. I can’t.¬†I can’t.” I could but I¬†can’t.¬†

I hadn’t told my manager about the chest pain until another manager came in that was already familiar with my situation and told her about the chest pain and the pain that was psychosomatic-ly moving along my left arm centering at my elbow.

Which prompted questions if I would like paramedics and that I would need someone to pick me up as I would not be able to drive home.

Of course I turned down the offer for the alpha (paramedics). What if this was once again all in my head? Paramedics show up and my blood pressure is normal all that stuff. Plus paramedics, just for a panic attack? It just seemed silly.

And once again, of course came along the questions if this role was right for me. Should I transfer. (Get out of their hair).

“I’m doing better. Really. I don’t know why this is happening. I feel confident in my job. I was fine during the morning shifts. Which you would think would be the opposite for the lack of sleep I was experiencing due to the shift change. There is no reason to be feeling like this. No reason.

Eventually I called my mom and told her what was going on so I can make an appointment with my psychiatrist to look at my meds and get him to write a note for what was going on. And as usual for me the moment I got on the phone I started to blubber. Following that call, I called my friend Linda that I was going to be staying with that night anyways to see if she would come and pick me up.

So we left my car there, picked up some food on the way to her place and I hopped into the tub for a bath when we got back. And just sat in the water for maybe two hours, refilling the tub when the water became cold.

My coworker has become a close friend and has taken to calling me almost every day whenever he is bored and tends to have freaky timing. The moment I got of the tub and plugged in my phone expecting to not get a phone call, **ring ring**.

I told him about what happened and how I was feeling and he already started making plans on how to cheer me up. We were already meeting up for dim sum the next morning but since I wasn’t going to be able to work he was working with more time.

We ended up going to the M&M super store at the Florida Mall because “I need chocolate. Stressed backwards is desserts.”

Which took me a long time to figure out. For someone with dyslexia, that was pretty sad.

It had begun to rain a little bit but the beauty of Florida is that it never lasts long usually. We went to Gatorland. I had never been before. Bad Floridian, I know. But the number of gators they had astounded me!

So many gators!

So many gators!

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This poor guy was missing a foot.

This poor guy was missing a foot.

Gatorland also had birds. Lots and lots of birds. 

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Small birds.

Small birds.

Slightly bigger birds.

Slightly bigger birds.

Frou frou birds.

Frou frou birds.

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Native Florida birds.

Native Florida birds.

Then the creepy bird.

Then the creepy bird.

They sold little bags of hot dogs you could use to feed the gators and of course the birds were interested as well. I mean, who wouldn’t be? Free food! Except there are some birds that are determined to get your hot dogs. That is when the stalking began. This creepy freaking bird started to literally stalk us.¬†

Stalker.

Stalker.

And because my friend was the one holding the treats… he seemed to get the brunt of it.

Even with the emus

Even with the emus

IMG_2871His new found loves made for great photo opportunities however. 

I found out the weird vulture stork looking thing was actually called a Woodland Stork and they are the most aggressive of the varieties that were found at Gatorland.

Aggressive? These birds? No. They just want a hug. From a hot dog…

We ended the day with dinner at The Wave found at Disney’s Contemporary Resort. I of course have never eaten there before same with many of the restaurants my friend takes me to. He has taken me to the Sci-fi diner, dim sum, City Walk and T-Rex at Downtown Disney.¬†

The forty five minutes waiting for a table was spent talking about DAAR and my relationships with my coworkers, how I started at Art and should I stay. If I shouldn’t stay, where should I go?

I apparently had a bad start. Immediately singled out by (his words) jealous people that got the ball rolling for how people would interact with me the rest of my DAAR career. Just like Speedway it seems. 

While we were sitting down, an adorable little girl was playing “capture the daddy with a big squirt gun” and it was very cute. She would come into the area we were sitting in and chase after him. Eventually the father surrendered and corralled her off saying “They are trying to have romantic time. Let’s leave them alone.”¬†

Immediately. 

“Uhh.”

Me: Not exactly but sure let’s go with that!

We tend to get that reaction a lot and it doesn’t even phase me anymore.¬†

Soon after our little buzzer thing went off and we found our table. 

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Wonderful fluffy multi-grain bread served with soft butter and salt.

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He ordered the lamb with a substitution of Jade Rice and Caramelized Mushrooms.

He ordered the lamb with a substitution of Jade Rice and Caramelized Mushrooms.

I ordered the Flat Iron Steak with fingerling potatoes and a substitution of onion mashed potatoes.

I ordered the Flat Iron Steak with fingerling potatoes and a substitution of onion mashed potatoes.

As always I let him order my drink since he is the expert and has yet to lead me to a bad drink. I learned I prefer Mojitos made with Sprite as opposed to just soda water. But look at this garnish!

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And here is the dress I wore.

And here is the dress I wore.

By the end of the night, I was feeling a bit better. Still stressed. Worried. But definitely feeling better. 

EPCOT Flower and Garden Festival 2014

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I had a little bit of free time yesterday since my appointment with my psychologist wasn’t until three in the afternoon and I took the opportunity to head to EPCOT and get some photos of all the gorgeous topiary displays around the park. And I may have gone selfie-happy.

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This upcoming Sunday I will be joining up with a friend and will be hitting the Magic Kingdom and I take loads of pictures then, too. If you have any comments (*cough cough* compliments) about my mad skilled photography please say something!

Am I the only one who feels like they are at the¬†optometrist when editing photos? 1… or 2…? 1… or 2…?¬†

The Hummingbird Dress Is Here!

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*When I feel like I have failed, have no control or don’t like the upcoming out come, I abandon it.

*New Look 1080 View C

*Skipped interfacing since we didn’t have any and Mom said the cotton was sturdy enough for it. Big mistake. Stupid girl (I mean me)! The facing could have really used some interfacing. ūüėõ

*Totally Jury Rigged the hem and… it turned out better than expected! (meme moment)

*I need to put some darts in the bodice front some how or just make a note for next time. I don’t like how it seems to poof out strangely under the bust.

*Should I post it like this or just use this as an outline? I feel like I’m trying to force this if I try to post as I normally do.

My blog! Why am I worrying about this?! Gah.

Lara, you crazy.

Pictures!

I love my phone, and I love it very much. But it is very difficult to take photos of myself on it. It is hard to take photos of myself in general. So attempting to take photos of my dress was extra aggravating. I did get plenty of likes on Facebook however! Well, eleven but that is an astounding number for anything I do. In general, Facebook or otherwise. So I felt special for a moment.

¬† ¬† “Mama, am I pretty?”

¬† ¬† “What does Facebook say?”

    Not an actual conversation. Just my mind.

Anyways, onto pictures!

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Maxi, one of our wolves had come over wondering what the heck I was doing in a skirt. She was quite fascinated smelling the hemline. No, I do not know what that means and I don’t think I want to linger on what it may mean. Haha.

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This was one of the two pictures that I had posted to Facebook and eventually became my profile picture. I hadn’t changed that thing since… last August, I believe? Haha.

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I was trying to show how swingy/swirly/skirty the skirt was, and just failed, miserably. It was hard okay! I was trying to get the bodice in the shot, otherwise mostly my knobby knees were the star of the show and that would simply be a bad show.

In an attempt to cover up the evidence of my mother’s disease, I quickly jury rigged a back drop. It doesn’t look to fantastic but hey! I tried! It actually turned into a bit of a work out. ūüėõ

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My noodle arm shows exactly one of the reasons why it was extra awkward. Anyways, this was the picture that showed the little pleats in the neckline the best. I was so darn proud of those little things.

We cut out a size 12, which was actually a lot harder for me to come to terms with than I would have thought. I thought I had beat the anorexia and all the demons with it. I weigh only 125 pounds. I have worked hard to accept that that is okay and actually quite awesome, but apparently I haven’t as well as I thought I had.

¬† ¬†Bust – 33 1/2″

‘Band’ – 29″

Natural Waist – 26″

Hips – 39″

¬† ¬†That’s good. That’s good, right? I wound up taking it in, in the side seams a solid inch and a half using a dart because the waist was about perfect. It’s good. I’m good. 125 lbs is good.

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This picture shows the actually coloring of the fabric the best. I was and am truly in love the fabric. It sing spring, and happiness and bright thoughts to me. Just what I needed. I love to choose to wear brighter colors, and designs. In high school and every year before that you would only find me in dark clothes and black. (No I was not goth or emo or what have you.)

Brighter color and designs helps me feeling brighter, and happier. It promotes positive thoughts for me. Dark outfits tend to darken my mood, as odd as it sounds. It brings me back to my dark years where I didn’t have control over my depression and anxiety.

…I don’t have control still, but I am not swallowed by it as I was in the past.

 

Anyways, I hope you like the dress, and the photos! I am really still trying to find “my style” and “my fashion”. So please, if you have any pattern or fabric suggestions, I would love the help!

Have a magical amazing day, and hold your loved ones close.

 

Take A Walk On the Wild Side! Chapter Two

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So about two days after our adventure in North Central Florida wild, I had managed to transfer and post my pictures to my personal Facebook page where they were actually quite popular!

A friend there commented suggesting we should go to the beach right then! “Within the next fifteen minutes if possible.”

… O.o Okay? Sure! Why not.

“Oh, crap, I have to kids I’m responsible for. You should have responded earlier.”

“Cause an hour ago you would have magically not have had two teenage children, but you do now. Yes, yes, I see your logic.”

…I’m not always very nice once you have tried my patience.

My mother was sitting next to me as this conversation occurred and suggested, “Well, why don’t we go to the beach?”

It was already about four in the afternoon, so it was odd for her to suggest we do something that would ultimately have us out late. Since it was so rare, I didn’t want to miss the opportunity.

We packed up cheese and crackers and headed out!

Our destination?¬†The¬†West Coast Beaches of Florida. How did we get there? Go up North 42. Okay, now keep going. And just keep going. You hit¬†Pedro,¬†Florida, and make a right when the Brother’s tell you to.

Blue looking away

But be careful, someone might get creeped out that you were trying to take a ¬†picture of the Blue’s Brothers.

Blues Looking Right At Me

I did feel bad when I looked at the photos and noticed that detail.

The West Coast is kinda like the not so popular sibling. Not with my mother, however.

¬† ¬† “Are we at my beach yet?” “Nope…. still in Lake County, Mom.” “Well… Drive faster!”

Yes, my mother has her own “beach”. A sorta love affair on the side from her love for the woods. Don’t judge her! We hopped in the car and drove the hour and a half drive to the west coast via Follow That Dream Hwy. That is a really highway, too. The particular part of the coast we were aiming for was a sleepy little town called Yankeetown. On our way we would stop at some of the reserves and parks on the way. ūüôā
We were able to arrive shortly before sundown and get just amazing photos. The sunset, some shrimping boats and the more marsh like beach line that the west coast has rather than the cliche idea of a beach the east coast brings to mind.

West coast lie down

Sandy Beaches

Rocky beach (450x600)

Rich Umbers (450x600)At Sunset

If you look closely on the left side right behind the little island out there is a shrimping boat. Those are fun. Haha. My mother has many many dreams and one of these dreams is to own land right along side this beach and to have a shrimping boat.

She really liked the name of the boat "Neptune's Pride".

She really liked the name of the boat “Neptune’s Pride”.

After that we left, but of course on the way home we had to stop at the different parks and reserves dotted along the ride home!

obscure camp groud

Cypress Knees

Cypress Knees

Some fancy cypress knees all decked out in daisies. :3

Some fancy cypress knees all decked out in daisies. :3

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These boots have been waiting to make their way back to Disney for too long...

These boots have been waiting to make their way back to Disney for too long…

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This flower was actually smaller than a dime. ... I love my phone.

This flower was actually smaller than a dime. … I love my phone.

The next day, I’m woken by a phone call from my mom. “Lara, I’m going to Save-A-Lot and when I get home we are going walking. Wake up and take a shower.”

Hm… Okay? haha. I didn’t know if my butt could handle any more sitting in the driver’s seat. No worries, turns out we were going to the Lake Norris Conservation Area, just a short fifteen minute drive away.

See, that is the funny part about where I live exactly is if I need to go Wal*Mart, or the mall, or even just your generic grocery store is a solid twenty minutes drive to even an hour in the seat. But if we need to go to the “middle of nowhere”, haha. Just walk down the driveway. Bam. No annoying kids –¬†are we there yet? Are we there yet? What about now? Are we there yet?¬†

Ladies and gents, I now give you Lake Norris!

Does this not look a meeting of forest kings?

Does this not look a meeting of forest kings?

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Since my grandfather has fallen ill, and my dog’s tumor burst, we haven’t had the opportunity to go out like we did last month. We had one more outing to Hooton Island, and we went for a walk around Lake Jessop near my sister’s property on Easter. The next chapter will include the photos from these outings.

So! Tell me what you think! I hope you enjoyed the pictures and if you have any tips or comments please let me know. Whether they are about the photos themselves, how I write these particular posts or perhaps suggestions for places to go! Please comment away.

I have a Twitter that I update pretty frequently now and am finally starting to get the hang of it! Come follow me @LaraInStitches, and start a conversation!

Lastly, I would like to thank all the kind people who have sympathized and reached out to me following my posting of Pretty Princess.

William at Living with ADHD and Trice at Sew Tell have been so kind to me, please go show their awesome blogs some love!

Now, I am off to take pictures of my finished Hummingbird Dress!

Take A Walk On the Wild Side! Chapter One

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   Rodnam Dam

It can be fun to take a walk on the wild side!

In a recent post I mentioned my mother dragging out to door and into the wild for some good old fashioned Hippie Therapy. You know, running through the flowers and spinning in the breeze?

For our first trip out we went all the way out to the Rodman Dam on the Ocklawaha River and the areas and parks surrounding, and it was gorgeous.

Experimenting with Panorama camera on my S3 was a lot of fun!

Experimenting with Panorama camera on my S3 was a lot of fun!

Mom told me the reason she wanted me to go out there was for when Mike (we patched things up!!) came down again and maybe we could camp out rather than lock away at a Disney Resort. I was in such a daze at the time from shutting down from everything, I took as the full face truth. So, I walked around taking pictures of everything, trying to ignore the looks I was getting spectators atop the dam (I keep adding that extra ‘n’ out of habit. Bad habit! Fix that, Lara!!), and those fishing from the cypress shores. It was very beautiful and that certainly helped me feel quite easier about it all.

I noticed a couple quirky things. A bit out from the base of the dam was a line of¬†buoys¬†obviously meaning, “you shall not pass!” with birds perched from one end all the way to the other side when we arrived. I tried getting a clear pictures, but this will have to do.

Gave a feeling in the back of my neck in line with an Alfred Hitchcock film...

Gave a feeling in the back of my neck in line with an Alfred Hitchcock film…

There was a lot of driving done that day. Rodman Dam is roughly about an 1.75 – 2 hours depending on your speeding morals. ūüėČ

When I was in high school, my mom would say all the time, “Girrrlll, you need to learn to drive! I want to be able to look around for once!” Haha. Fun fact, she was terrified of teaching any of us kids to drive, so we had to take the car and teach ourselves on our dirt roads out here in the country. And once I did get it down, it benefited us both! My mind takes in and requires so many things for once, otherwise I get bored and don’t pay attention at all, haha. So, I actually take in more while driving than if I was in the passenger seat, so Mom was more than happy to hop into that spot and get her look around.

Anyways, moving on!

After Rodman dam we went down to where the old wooden bridge used to be underneath the current bridge, before it burned down. Gorgeous vibrant greens and blues, rich brown and blue shadows falling and accenting the luscious Florida waking to Spring.

I love the reflection of the wide green leaves on the water.

I love the reflection of the wide green leaves on the water.

The air was so clear, and even with all my lung issues as of late, I could actually feel like when I took a breath it was nice and full. Not these simpering little half breaths that are followed by sighs that do no where near the job of oxygen intake I need! The flowers were blooming every where and I discovered when playing with all the fantastic settings and options on the camera of the S3, I noticed I could changed my zoom settings to something besides “Auto focus”. There you are, Macro!! I was looking for you everywhere! Once I changed that the pictures were so much better with much richer saturation and hues.

I mean, look at these!

I'm not the biggest fan of flowers, but I love daisies in almost every variation.

I’m not the biggest fan of flowers, but I love daisies in almost every variation.

Little raccoon paws on the edge of the water. So cute!

Cypress Knee

    Down one path by the boat launch where you could launch a small boat onto this section of the Ocklawaha, were these build ups of cypress and cypress knees. Gorgeous and some were very interesting shapes and characters like this one! If you look around in this next pan, you should be able to see all the wacky shapes and my tiny mom in the corner. Haha.

Oklawaha pan

That Ol' Bridge

¬† ¬† Now, I could be very wrong, or very right on this one but if I remember what mom said correctly, the Ocklawaha Bridge burnt down during the only Civil War battle to happen in Marion County, Florida. There are remnants as pictured here as well as the burnt down remains of the Bridge Keeper’s cabin just off the bend. Which sadly, I could not reach for pictures.

   And so that ended our day out on the Rodnam Dam region of the Ocklawaha River and we  followed this gorgeous road back out to SR 19.

Down the winding road

¬† ¬† For our next adventure my mother and I trek it all the way out to the West Coast Beaches of Florida, formally Yankeetown along the Follow That Dream Highway (yes, that is its real name), and the Lake Norris Conservation Area! The second was much closer to us, and my numb bum was very thankful for that! Tune in for chapter two for more hiking, more “Mom, we’re lost again!”, and more pictures like these!

Milk ThistleSandy BeachesMeeting of the Kings

   P.S. Please, comment below and let me know what you guys think! I would love to hear any feed back and get a conversation going! Tips on the photos I am taking, any editing that needs to be done Рphoto or content wise! Anything! I love constructive criticism and a chance to grow as a writer, creator, and person in all! I also have made a Twitter (for the first time at a real shot!) @LaraInStitches so please take a looksie, send me a tweet and follow me if you please!

Thanks again, and I’ll see you tomorrow!