Trash Only. No Recycling.

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There is a realization for myself that I have been avoiding, yet expressed for years all at the same time.

Music is vital for my sanity. It is well known that I never, ever, go anywhere without my high quality headphones. Music fuels my emotions, and brings perspective to my surroundings. It translates my pain, my hopes, and my dreams into something that does require a shared language.

And precisely because of that… communicating my language is so hard. You feel isolated. I try sharing my music.

This means something to me.

                “But, I cannot understand what they are saying.”

                “I can’t really sing along to this.”

When I share music – I am sharing myself. Offering a deep emotion that I feel I cannot express in words otherwise. It has been a running joke for quite some time on,”Lara Language”. Since, communication is such a trial for me. My vocabulary is vast, and I have to constantly adjust in the moment, so others can understand the terminology and context I use. I learned to communicate in a short hand due to this. Either via gesticulations, music, or images in hopes that by removing the challenge of my words – one can understand my meanings universally.

Yet, this never seems to happen.

One of the worst feelings in the world is the that of oppressed silence. An empty room where the vibrations bounce off the walls to echo for an audience of none.

Listen to me.

I have something to say.

Will you please listen?

                My composition professor today, after class, sympathized saying it must be difficult being the smartest person in the class.  It is, and it is not limited to the classroom. With which an astounding intellect that seems to be inversely proportional to the rich social interactions that are possible. Add in a (very misunderstood and difficult) personality disorder… It is difficult. You spend a lot of your time feeling lonely, and yet there is a dichotomy of preferring the solitude over the lackluster interactions you would have to face otherwise.

I am a very articulate and intelligent person. So, why is it that I am so often misunderstood?

Or is it no one wants to understand.

Check, please.

 

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4 thoughts on “Trash Only. No Recycling.

  1. Something I think all people with a high emotional intellect face. I find it incredibly hard to connect with people because I don’t do any of the “normal” things, eg. drinking, going out, sports, mainstream music, and I avoid drama because why bother.
    And most of the time when I’m in social situations I do all the listening, and know almost everything there is to know about someone within minutes, what they’re innermost self is.
    I understand what you mean. When I open my mouth to speak I find I can’t get everything that I feel I want to say out of my head, there is just so much going on I can’t put it into words.
    I even got told by my manager (who has known me at my job for 5 years) that “I should sell myself more, be more open with everything” in interviews, but I really don’t know how to get it into words!
    Why can’t they just feel what I am?
    Also like you I use art or music to talk to people. When I sit at a piano, people can hear what I have to say. There’s a third language in it – one everyone seems to get.

    Sorry for the long comment, I don’t know why all that came out. I guess I just wanted you to know you’re not alone.

    • I agree with you that a majority of those with not only a higher intellect, but a higher emotional capability have to face this problem. Maybe in different ways, but face it all the same.
      For me, personally at least, there are often times when I have to back track in a conversation as quickly as possible simply because I am generally five or six steps ahead in the conversation mentally. So, to try to go back, and manage to still include everything up to that point is certainly a task to manage.
      Really all we can do, I guess, is try to adapt or accept that we will not have the interactions with others the same as others seem to gain as interactions from us.
      And no worries about the long comment! I always love it when you, or anyone else comments on my writings. Of course, also to mention, is while the reality may be that we are not alone – it can certainly easily feel like that unless you have easy access to someone of a similar mind, right?

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