What Pisses Me Off

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Or, more accurately: what makes me feel robbed.

Robbed of a childhood filled with actual affection, and praise. It is only now, when I am in college of my own doing, with high grades and no longer in the steep depression that were years before.

Ever worse – they are using my niece to base off whether or not I am “boastable”. My niece is fifteen. They just found out she has been hiding a currently 18 year old boyfriend for the past two years. She is failing every one of her classes. Getting detentions, referrals and skipping school.

Now, my brother-in-law says I am not a mooch in comparison to his daughter. When I would have probably been the same way if it was not for my personality disorder, since this is all entirely due to my sister’s raising of her. My niece needs guidance, and care – not shipping her off to military school. Which they cannot even afford. Admit that you are shit parents, and let me talk to her.

My mother has come to love this show that Steve Harvey hosts called, “Little Big Shot”. Children of various ages achieve grand feats of musical talent, intellect, or skill. And she coos, and boasts about them as if they were her own. However, when I was a child, and even to this day, nothing I did merited praise. Straight a’s? Eh. Learning college algebra at age four? Eh. “I was a mathematician, no big deal.” A painting of mine is featured in the school’s select art show? Who cares.

 

Nothing I did was ever good enough, and still is not good enough five minutes ago.

Maybe, this is why I crave assurance and praise so much, since I was robbed of it as a child.

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7 thoughts on “What Pisses Me Off

  1. It’s interesting, what you’re writing about. Weird too because I was given a lot of praise as a child for all the things I’ve accomplished but I still have self-esteem problems.
    Makes me wonder if we’re actually just born with the need for assurance and praise?

      • Yeah, very true. I mostly feel incensed from the, “what ifs”. What kind of a life would I have lived prior to this point if I did have the necessary nuture to balance out the nature, along with everyone else that has these internal battles.

        Now, at almost 25, I am finding that sense of self-worth. But, that is only in a cohesive effort working with my OCPD, Bipolar with its psychotic features, and the crippling anxiety. I do not think I would not have had any hope of accomplishing this if I remained where I was this time last year.

        And, how have you been lately? How is your mom?

      • Yes, I totally get that. I was there for a long time myself. Like, if I hadn’t had to deal with all the panic/anxiety crap, where would I be? To be honest I still have those thoughts but it isn’t as hard to think about now.
        I’ve been okay, days are still up and down but trying to keep things as positive as I can.
        My mum is good, recovering well. Thank you for asking 🙂

  2. Susan

    Hi, similar childhood. The people who were supposed to love me just didn’t. I knew this from a very young age. I’m in my early 50s and I can tell you what worked for me. Your results may vary – brace yourself because it’s hard to hear. Consciously forgive your parents. On a daily basis think “they did the best they could for who they were at the time.” Repeat many, many times daily until you really believe it and it actually happens. Now I can hear you, “What?! Are you crazy?!!! They did this and that!” I know, sweetie, and it would take you forever to fully cover the disappointments and hurts. BUT you’re not doing this for them. It’s for you. This is not new age BS, it’s simply the way our minds work. When we stop obsessing on wrongs committed and focus instead on forgiving, eventually we lose the burden of the anger and the fear that has weighed us down. And then we’re free to live our lives the way we want to. It truly is miraculous what can be accomplished when we don’t have to live with the burden anymore. It’s a thought, right?

    • I delved back and forth on whether or not to approve, and subsequently reply to this comment. I know and see you mean well, and I choose to go ahead and approve this through because your words may help someone else – I am simply not that person. My relationship with my mother and the rest of my family is infinitely complex. My mother is ill, and her actions resulting from those illnesses have irrevocably effected me. While I may have forgiven her years ago, I am still going to be upset by the reality it has caused for me today. I do not hold these against her, but I will not deny that it does not hurt me. I hope someone else may read your comment one day, and be able to move on from their own pain, and have a better strength within themselves. 🙂 Thank you for taking the time to read and comment.

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