Why bother

Standard

Mood swings today.

Okay to depressed to angry to depressed again and now extreme anxiety simply from my headphones failing. Looked up price on Amazon and just short to buy another pair with my savings. But they are my savings. But I need headphones. The decent ones that will last Florida heat and sweat and block out the crowds at Disney with proper surround sound quality. And they are 152 after taxes. Hopefully they stay on sale.

But shaking. And heart racing. And trying to figure out how the hell I will get the twenty dollar difference between what I have and what I need that I was planning on using for the new lens or backpack.

What to do?

Plus, I thought the sensory sensitivity was fading but now everything is making twitching and mad. Then it spreads to things that aren’t even touching me. If I had the mystical ability I would be floating not having to touch anything or even a breeze touch me.

I try everything g to calm down but I cannot. They are like panic attacks but just filled with anger and frustration and obsessive thoughts on just *fuck everything and anything that exists near me*

And now rage. Pure rage. Screaming. Not yelling screaming. Just unintelligible screaming.

I found the rubbing when I came into my room some how on top of my nightstand, eating my cords. Somehow the little bastard didn’t get electrocuted and die.

But my $150 heads phones that just barely worked since her last atrack, chewed through. My new charging cord (not even three days old) I had just gotten after her last bullshit. Chewed through.

If I had the capability, I would throw her in the backyard and be done with it. I did not ask for this damn rabbit. I took it in. Gave it a chance when it was randomly bought by Mom in her impulse shopping.

For it to destroy my things and constantly aggressively attack me.

It has been a full hour and a half since the discovery. I am still nauseated and I am still shaking so hard I cannot hold  anything in my grasp without it falling.

Add in my sensory issues. Then the panic what ever the hell attack where it got the point the desperation for breath was darkening the edges of my vision.

Just one. Just one. Teensy. Tiny. Break.

Show me that I don’t have to get my hopes up then for it all to laugh in my face that everything is out to destroy me. Knock me down.

Call me dramatic but I am sick and tired of this.

In the grand scheme of things – my life is never going to get better.

I am never going to be stable.

No matter how hard I try, I am shoved back down in the dirt.

Why bother trying any more?

I have tiny moments of hope. Tiny moments that glimmer and so I start building with little match sticks because that is what I have.

Then they burn.

And I rebuild what little is left of my sanity again, and again.

I am just so tired.

So very tired.

My parents mumble under their breath, “why them.” To be cursed with a child who can barely leave the house. Costs so much money for zero result.

Lately I have been reading constantly again. The only reason I “like” reading so much is because I would give anything to be anyone but me. Anything to have a modicum of happiness and hope.

To not hallucinate endlessly monsters out of the corners of my eye. Everyone tells me they are hallucinations anyways.

I give up. I give up. I lie down.

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8 thoughts on “Why bother

  1. If I could give you one piece of advice, it’s that it’s completely fine to be angry, frustrated and mad. It’s a hell of a lot better than falling back into depression or anxiety. I used being angry to snap myself out of my anxiety – there’s nothing wrong with it.
    If being angry makes you feel in the least bit better, then do it. Get mad.
    There’s nothing wrong with you, Lara. You’re fine. Just treat yourself with a little more personal respect and kindness. I know it’s hard, I’ve had exactly the same thoughts as you.
    Hell, when my anxiety came back full force a week ago my only thought was, “I can’t do this again.”
    Don’t worry about what anyone else is doing.
    Lastly, since you’ve got a wonderful imagination like me, try visualising a big protective shield around you, and affirm that only good things can come through it to you.
    Give it a try for a while. See if it helps.
    All the love in the world to you. xx

    • The hard part about this “imagination” of mine is whatever I come up with is never strong enough. I have been trying to use the “bubble technique” since elementary school since it was my mother’s response for everything. The monsters. The demons. The bullies. My family. But it is never strong enough.

      I am sorry I just, I are tried everything. And I can’t do it anymore.

      • Well maybe a bubble is not strong enough because bubbles can pop. Affirm to yourself that it’s the strongest shield out there and nothing can get through unless it’s good for you.
        FInd someone to help you Lara – they exist. It me forever to find them, but they are there.
        All you need to do is cut out the bullshit and focus on you. You’re important. You’re worth loving. You love you.

      • At least you are. Keep trying. Don’t give up.
        Wake up every day and say to yourself, I may not be where I want to be, with who I want to be, or even how I want to be, but at least I’m trying.
        If it doesn’t sound silly to you, ask Archangel Michael to come and be your bodyguard. You don’t have to be of any faith for the help of the benevolent beings – just ask them for help and then follow their guidance.
        I know you feel energy. I do too. What you can do is a gift – you just need to learn how to accept it and use it to aid you instead of hinder you.

      • I have just gotten to this point where I feel like I am walking the wrong way on a treadmill or escalator. Trying to climb up but the belt is going down. And I am physically exhausted. I’ve tried the natural remedies I was raised on. I’ve tried the psychiatric medicine of today. And yet, here I am. Almost 24, living at home with no end to this pathetic life I live. Every day I wait for everyone around me to give up and leave. And they all eventually do. I wait for Mike to decide I am too insane, too far away and leave again. My parents to disown me and kick me out. I’m sorry. I go to my therapy once a week. I stay in contact in between visits. Honestly, I feel like internally, I have given up. I have been denying and trying not to give in. But I cannot deny there are many times where I dream of not waking up.

      • I know. What I need you to do is look at your life objectively.
        You love to help others, right? You love the feeling of being able to brighten someone’s day, yes?
        I want you to look at you and your life as if it wasn’t yours – as if you were there to help that person.
        What would you do?
        Would you tell them to give up?
        Would you give up on them?
        I have felt exactly the same way you have. I had to deal with it for 10 years. Believe me, I sat in a heap in the corner of my room countless times wondering what the hell I was doing – why I was even bothering to put up with such a crappy life.
        Use your love on yourself; help that person you know deep down is the real you to come to the surface.
        Accept that shit has happened in the past. As soon as you choose not to tell that story you wrote to me, things will turn around, slowly but surely.
        You can believe me Lara – I’m not some counsellor or therapist, I’m someone who has been through it, who has had the same thoughts and feelings.
        You CAN do it.

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