Mood swings today.
Okay to depressed to angry to depressed again and now extreme anxiety simply from my headphones failing. Looked up price on Amazon and just short to buy another pair with my savings. But they are my savings. But I need headphones. The decent ones that will last Florida heat and sweat and block out the crowds at Disney with proper surround sound quality. And they are 152 after taxes. Hopefully they stay on sale.
But shaking. And heart racing. And trying to figure out how the hell I will get the twenty dollar difference between what I have and what I need that I was planning on using for the new lens or backpack.
What to do?
Plus, I thought the sensory sensitivity was fading but now everything is making twitching and mad. Then it spreads to things that aren’t even touching me. If I had the mystical ability I would be floating not having to touch anything or even a breeze touch me.
I try everything g to calm down but I cannot. They are like panic attacks but just filled with anger and frustration and obsessive thoughts on just *fuck everything and anything that exists near me*
And now rage. Pure rage. Screaming. Not yelling screaming. Just unintelligible screaming.
I found the rubbing when I came into my room some how on top of my nightstand, eating my cords. Somehow the little bastard didn’t get electrocuted and die.
But my $150 heads phones that just barely worked since her last atrack, chewed through. My new charging cord (not even three days old) I had just gotten after her last bullshit. Chewed through.
If I had the capability, I would throw her in the backyard and be done with it. I did not ask for this damn rabbit. I took it in. Gave it a chance when it was randomly bought by Mom in her impulse shopping.
For it to destroy my things and constantly aggressively attack me.
It has been a full hour and a half since the discovery. I am still nauseated and I am still shaking so hard I cannot hold anything in my grasp without it falling.
Add in my sensory issues. Then the panic what ever the hell attack where it got the point the desperation for breath was darkening the edges of my vision.
Just one. Just one. Teensy. Tiny. Break.
Show me that I don’t have to get my hopes up then for it all to laugh in my face that everything is out to destroy me. Knock me down.
Call me dramatic but I am sick and tired of this.
In the grand scheme of things – my life is never going to get better.
I am never going to be stable.
No matter how hard I try, I am shoved back down in the dirt.
Why bother trying any more?
I have tiny moments of hope. Tiny moments that glimmer and so I start building with little match sticks because that is what I have.
Then they burn.
And I rebuild what little is left of my sanity again, and again.
I am just so tired.
So very tired.
My parents mumble under their breath, “why them.” To be cursed with a child who can barely leave the house. Costs so much money for zero result.
Lately I have been reading constantly again. The only reason I “like” reading so much is because I would give anything to be anyone but me. Anything to have a modicum of happiness and hope.
To not hallucinate endlessly monsters out of the corners of my eye. Everyone tells me they are hallucinations anyways.
I give up. I give up. I lie down.