I am on very little sleep, a lot of physical and emotional stress. Basically, I have been in this state since my last post at the near end of January.
Since then my boyfriend had come and gone for a visit. I almost finished a dress. There were multiple mental breakdowns. I got a new phone as well a little over a week ago.
I was going to post about my latest project in next post but there isn’t much for me to say since I didn’t fully finish it. I need to only hem it and I do not know when I will be able to get to that. The main problem is for me that when I hem it the back when worn is actually two inches higher than the front thanks to my proportions and I do not know how to mark it for hemming by myself since when I lie it flat I do not know how to place it as the front needs approximately four inches off the front while the back needs only two inches.
I did fix those droopy pockets by hand sewing in three snaps inside the band area of each pocket. So, I am very happy about that.
Now, as for my mental health. It is up and down, up and down. So much rapid cycling. It can almost be guaranteed that I will get a very happy high and then within two hours I am crying and in pieces. It has been like this for maybe about a month a half?
My biggest breakdown was last Wednesday night after leaving the house for the first time in a long time and getting some much needed necessities. And free truffles! Ever since I came home from Atlantic City in November, I have been sleeping on my mattress on my floor.
I decided that night as the next day my new phone would be delivered, I needed to get my bed off the ground and move in a night stand that has been in the corner of the living room for ages.
The metal frame for bed was leaning against my wall all these months just waiting for when I could get a box spring to put my bed on. For some reason I thought I wouldn’t need a box spring! I could just place my mattress directly on the frame and it would be dandy! So, I spent over an hour cleaning and moving in the night stand (which is solid wood. I think Oak) and then piecing the two metal pieces for the frame together. I wrestle the bed even with my very weak stature as I hadn’t eaten yet that entire day besides one of the free truffles and manage to place the mattress on the frame. Where I quickly remembered you in fact do need a box spring otherwise your beg just sags to the floor as nothing supports the middle or sides of the bed.
I went to my father to ask for help carrying in the box spring I thought was just chilling in the back yard. I didn’t care if maybe it wasn’t exactly perfectly clean. I was on a high and was going to fix at least of my problems myself and get my bed off the floor dang it!
One problem. There was no box spring. Mom had already burned it a while back. It was pitch black at the time so I couldn’t exactly look out and see the lack of box spring presence.
That’s when I broke down. Sobbing and hyper ventilating.
I felt like I was failing at everything. I couldn’t solve a single problem on my own. Not even getting my bed off the floor. My boyfriend saved me by buying me a phone the day my phone went black and refused to turn on besides “Samsung” and black again. I was depending and begging my parents for food, tampons and anything. Sometimes going for days just eating sunflower seeds and drinking water because I was too prideful and/or ashamed of asking yet again for something.
Here I am at 23, living at home with no move out date in sight. Still not in school and cannot even hold a part time job. Can barely leave my house for goodness sake without shaking and panic attacks and imagining every horrible thing possible would happen while I was out. At home while I was away and happening wherever I was going.
Dad knocks on my door and tries giving me his bed set up which just set me off even harder. I could only say no over and over again. “I won’t take your bed. I won’t!” And rushing back to my room.
Eventually I found 2x4s and I cut them to size with my hand saw fitting them to the length of the frame. Then using duct tape to create support between the cuts. Here is a very crude doodle of what I managed.
I do my best to hide my breakdowns from Mike. I don’t usually succeed as he is very intuitive. Though he has an easy cheat code. If he texts or says “Muah” and I cannot say it in return he knows something is up. For some reason whenever I am upset, “muah” will send me bawling. So I just sit there, swallowing and straining to not let the quiver free in my voice.
Then the last couple of weeks another one of our pack is reaching the end of her days. She had developed a rather nasty hip injury in her second and last litter approximately nine years ago. And now it has progressed to just too much for her to handle at almost fifteen years old. She cannot control her legs and cannot sit up or walk.
Now, I spend my days doing best to force myself to sleep as much as possible so I don’t have to go out when I am the only one in the house and find her passed away. I am a coward and I know it. About three or four years ago, when Angel’s mother, Matrix, passed away I was the only one home. I had to keep sending away the other dogs whom kept trying to get to her and sniff her and look at her.
It traumatized me. I do not handle death well. Add in the fact I can cry at anything at the drop of a hat…
And now I at the point where I cannot sleep. Too stressed, anxious and scared that she is dead, or alive. It has been very cat in a box. She is dead and alive whenever I am not next to her. Watching her to see her breathe or twitch her ears.
As well last night a tom cat, HUGE, tom cat came after my cats in yard last night sometime around ten o’clock. So from now on we are going to keep the cats in the screen to connected to the car port at night. Where the heir food with be protected from raccoons, armadillos and apparently a ballsy tom cat. He gave no cares when I came flying out of the house. Just saunters right past me. Oh, yeah I chased and yelled at him.
“Out of my yard! Out! Out! Away from my cats! Who the hell are you?! Out!!”
I am very light headed, shaky and spacy. I desperately need some portein.
Pho was on the schedule but as Mom and I were almost positive Angel would have slipped away by morning as she was not wanting to be inside. She would cry and cry if we tried carrying her. And if we ignored them and carried her anyways, she would start dragging her way back outside.
She was shivering so hard this morning. Before she was refusing any blankets or towels we would drape over her and tuck her in. But this morning she was too cold to argue. I lightly warmed towels in the dryer and just kept rubbing her through a blanket til I could tuck the warm towel under the blanket.
While I was crouched next to her tucking her in, my phone fell out of my hoodie pocket. Maybe eight inches on the concrete and two corners Andre damaged now. On side is barely a scrape but the bottom right looks like someone took a light bite on a wooden pencil.
When Mike ordered the phone he also ordered one of those flip cases as well that snap onto the back. I have a Galaxy S4 by the way. And let me tell you, it did nothing. Just popped off and open so it landed on its face.
Nine days! Nine days! The one time I get distracted and not hyper aware and bam. It could have been so, much worse but still. It really bums me out.
I am getting an OtterBox Defender case ASAP.
I hope I can get sleep sometime soon.
This post was drafted and published using the WordPress App for Android on my Galaxy S4. There are more than likely spelling or grammatical errors I may have missed before posting. Please forgive them, this is just a personal blog.