I was on this crazy website…

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I am usually doing one or sometimes two or even three of four things.

1. Playing sudoku

2. Talking with Sassy over Facebook messenger

3. Texting or talking to Mike (the boyfriend not coworker from DAAR)

4. Browsing a website called 9gag.

Which is really just one of variations of what I call an image board website where people all over the world submit, vote and talk about various content.

…usually of the immature and classless variety. But funny, none the less. However sometimes it gets serious.

Today I saw this post telling of someone whom while they suffer with their own depression and suicidal thoughts, still helps others by manning a suicide hotline.

The dilemma for this person is that they feel as though they are being hypocritical by trying to talk others down from the precipice shore they themselves dangle on that dangerous ledge.

I write of this because for some reason it made me relate it to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, or PTSD for short as most know it.

Every time someone has asked me about suicide I have to place a big disclaimer that while I do have suicidal thoughts often enough I don’t actually want to cause myself harm. It is more along the lines of just wishing away one’s existence. And it’s a traumatic event every time.

Suicidal intentions, thoughts, or almost attempts or just out right failed attempts are really and truly traumatic, I feel. This is my own personal opinion. To even simply get to that point where all you want is to not be alive anymore, or feel – is a very painful involved process.

And every second thereafter is spent in horrid memory of what you almost did, or wanted with constant flash backs to what got had to feeling suicidal in the first place.

This is just my own rambling. Suicide is a very serious thing and please seek help if you find yourself experiencing any kind of thoughts of self harm.

Just give yourself a chance. Keep trying. I don’t know when we get to a point when it gets better but when it does you’re going to be so grateful you didn’t give up on yourself. Even if you feel no one else loves you, you have a duty to your being and soul to love you and only you at the very least. If you have room in your heart for others remember you have room for you in there.

Be safe.

Drafted and posted using my Samsung Galaxy SIII. Please do forgive any typographical errors.

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13 thoughts on “I was on this crazy website…

  1. I totally agree with this 100%.
    In my darkest times if find it easier to believe that if I die – someone, somewhere will be best pleased that I have given up. So I can tell myself “damn them, I won’t give them the satisfaction of my dying”. And every day I’m alive I stick two fingers in the face of that hypothetical jerk who wants me gone.

    • And that’s sometimes the only or even just best thing to do. We just have to always make sure we aren’t being that jerk ourselves. I think I saw something on 9gag a few days ago that said something along the lines of, “I refuse to belIeve that I was placed in this Earth to just poop and eat.” We’re all here for a reason, I believe. If your reason is to smite all those you feel wished you didn’t have a reason? Well, too bad, because you do and you’re going to rock at it. So, keep rocking on, eh?

      For a bunch of teenagers on the internet; they find some pretty good stuff!

  2. cavellemartin

    Well said! I love that you wrote “If you have room in your heart for others remember you have room for you in there.” What a great way to look at it especially during those dark times. I can relate very much to what you have said about not necessarily wanting to die but just wishing you didn’t have to keep going anymore. It’s draining and hard to claw your way back to the top once you have hit that kind of low. As for the person who feels hypocritical for helping those who are suicidal. They are the furthest thing from a hypocrite. It’s the one thing that is probably giving them something to live for. By helping others you are helping yourself in a way. I hope they keep going. Great post! 🙂

    • The person who wrote the post as far as I saw when I first discovered it was receiving heaps abd heaps of support and admiration for the time they dedicated. Many said, ‘you never know! I may have very well been one of the people you saved!’ Which is so true and so possible even if I’ve never used a hotline myself.

      Thanks for taking the time to read and comment on my post, I really appreciate it! I was half delirious and emotional after a bad doctor’s appointment where basically I was told I wasn’t treatable and I should stop seeking therapy.

      I think I was really saying that to myself more than anyone as I tend to give everyone else around me more love than I ever give myself.

      It is definitely so draining to really yourself away for that shadowy place but just like going to gym, it is worth it.

      Thanks again for reading!

      • cavellemartin

        You’re very welcome! 🙂 Oh and FYI whoever told you that you should stop seeking therapy….yeah you should…with them. You are not a lost cause. Far from it and I am appalled to read someone would suggest otherwise. Keep doing what you’re doing and I’m sorry I am feeling a bit like a mother hen at them moment and I am not a doctor but please if you can help it find a different doctor. No one is untreatable. It takes two to tango and your doctor doesn’t know how to dance. Hang in there! *hugs*

      • Thank you, I really do appreciate it. You don’t seem like a mother hen (in the bad way) at all. Just a decent person who cares about others, so thank you!

        I ready don’t know when I will start treatment again or if I will buy hopefully either way I will get to where I need to be.

        Thanks again and thanks for the hug!

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