I am usually doing one or sometimes two or even three of four things.
1. Playing sudoku
2. Talking with Sassy over Facebook messenger
3. Texting or talking to Mike (the boyfriend not coworker from DAAR)
4. Browsing a website called 9gag.
Which is really just one of variations of what I call an image board website where people all over the world submit, vote and talk about various content.
…usually of the immature and classless variety. But funny, none the less. However sometimes it gets serious.
Today I saw this post telling of someone whom while they suffer with their own depression and suicidal thoughts, still helps others by manning a suicide hotline.
The dilemma for this person is that they feel as though they are being hypocritical by trying to talk others down from the precipice shore they themselves dangle on that dangerous ledge.
I write of this because for some reason it made me relate it to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, or PTSD for short as most know it.
Every time someone has asked me about suicide I have to place a big disclaimer that while I do have suicidal thoughts often enough I don’t actually want to cause myself harm. It is more along the lines of just wishing away one’s existence. And it’s a traumatic event every time.
Suicidal intentions, thoughts, or almost attempts or just out right failed attempts are really and truly traumatic, I feel. This is my own personal opinion. To even simply get to that point where all you want is to not be alive anymore, or feel – is a very painful involved process.
And every second thereafter is spent in horrid memory of what you almost did, or wanted with constant flash backs to what got had to feeling suicidal in the first place.
This is just my own rambling. Suicide is a very serious thing and please seek help if you find yourself experiencing any kind of thoughts of self harm.
Just give yourself a chance. Keep trying. I don’t know when we get to a point when it gets better but when it does you’re going to be so grateful you didn’t give up on yourself. Even if you feel no one else loves you, you have a duty to your being and soul to love you and only you at the very least. If you have room in your heart for others remember you have room for you in there.
Drafted and posted using my Samsung Galaxy SIII. Please do forgive any typographical errors.