The Darkness Continues

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Today is the day before Thanksgiving in America. I am not sure if anyone is aware but the holidays and I do not get along. ‘Family’ is almost synonymous with ‘holiday season’ and I have already mentioned that my family and I are at opposite ends of the soectrum.

Right now feelings of supreme paranoia, stress, depression and anxiety are raging inside.

I really just want to use a time machine to skip tomorrow and all the darkness that will come with it. While I am at it, I would like to skip tonight as well.

All these negative thoughts and feelings I tend to hide from people. Especially Mike.  I put all my pain and sorrow on him after the miscarriage and it was too much after everything else he was already dealing with.

I also try to not put too much on Sassy even though she says it is okay, I don’t feel it is okay. I don’t know what I did but I think I upset her tonight. But I am probably just being overly sensitive and paranoid as usual.

Tonight I noticed I don’t leave my house. My room, even. Unless I absolutely have to. If I have an engagement or appointment the days leading up to it at agony as I battle not to cancel them. My funds and lack of gas are my excuse usually but I just don’t want to leave. I don’t want to be here though either.

Like many others, I just wish there was a fairy godmother/father or guardian angel that will just magically drop down and make everything better. Either get me in school or help me be able to function even minimally so I could work and move out and run away. I have lost all sense of independence or will to thrive. But that doesn’t happen in reality.  I only have my nightmares when I do sleep and then this lucid nightmare when I am awake.

I started research on birth control. I have never been on any form of it nor even have I ever been to an gynecologist.  I feel like I need to be on birth control just so 2012 never happens again but there is so much I am scared of. Everything I have read points to it being a nightmare and really expensive to be on birth control if you are Bipolar. I am horrible with taking pills on time so there’s that issue. And the end note is my parents would have to pay for it. How the hell do I justify that?

I don’t see this ever getting better. I am Timmy stuck in the well with no Lassie to be found. I just know what to do or how to go on.

Drafted and posted using my Samsung Galaxy SIII. Please do forgive any typographical errors.

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