As Usual


Let’s see. Since we last spoke I have quit my job, my meds, been to Jersey, got back together with my ex-boyfriend and more than few times nearly gave up on trying all together.

On a calm day, I will usually suffer an average of two panic attacks a day with a heavy dosage of depression and self-hate. I am not sure what to do about this as my psychiatrist seems to be at the edge of his abilities in trying to decide what to prescribe me since I refuse to attempt Lithium or Depakote and quit the Latuda due to costs.

Since he wasn’t willing to put me on medical leave, it quickly came to the point where I was given little choice of either quit my job or be fired due to attendance. So, on October 23rd of this year I quit my job at Walt Disney World. This is what everyone told me to do. This is what everyone including the medical professionals said would be best for me. And yet after I quit, everyone is immediately hounding me to get a new job. Even though literally two days before (it was on my birthday I got the lecture) I had quit my job due to being too mentally unstable to be able to even leave my house most of the time.

The week after my birthday I did a double duty of dog sitting and house sitting at two houses on opposites sides of town. I was promised payment for my services, and yet I did not even receive a thank you from either family. Later on I learned they were spreading rumors that I had trashed one of the houses and front yard. My sister, ladies and gents. The same older sister that had hosted me for my 23rd birthday and made me feel special for a short bit.

Know my family is very manipulative and scheming. We all know each other very well and how we all work. By hosting me for my birthday, I feel too guilty and uncomfortable confronting her on this. Good job. You win this round.

That weekend I was dog sitting I also had a countdown on my phone for a spontaneous trip to Atlantic City, New Jersey. See, on New Year’s Eve this year twenty minutes after the clock struck twelve a very important person to me passed on. Pop was the paternal grandfather of my ex boyfriend. While Mike’s parents (just his mother, really) and I never got along – his grandparents and I hit it off. Gram and Pop are and were so sweet and nice. Cliche amazing grandparents. Since Pop passed, Mike moved in with Gram to help watch after her and take care of her. Up until maybe  September our communication was very sporadic and I had a very clear line drawn in the sand to protect myself. I treated every text as if it was the last just in case it was the last. Then I don’t even remember what it was but we started talking again.

Oh, that is right. Chairforce (the coworker also named Mike) had been agitating me and Mike called me on the phone when I texted him while on the phone with Chairforce thus giving me an excuse to hang up. They both get off at work at relatively the same time and have usually an hour drive.

After that it was texting all day and phone calls at the same time every day. I would usually talk to whomever called me first unless Mike called me while I was speaking to Chairforce which then I would hang up. I always feel a smidge guilty but I can only listen to someone toot their own horn for so long. And that is all Chairforce does while talking.

“I shocked someone doing this.”

“I surprised them with my super human intelligence like this.”

“They were really amazed by what I did doing this.”

I am sure you know someone like this.

He is a very nice person and seems to constantly be doing  something for someone else (especially his ex’s finances) so he must talk for himself. And almost all of it is extremely inflated and exaggerated. You don’t take a pinch of salt with his stories, you chuck the whole handful.

Anyways. So, Mike and I were talking again. And he asked if I wanted to come up and see Gram who had been asking after me. He gad gotten an email for a 40% off coupon in Atlantic City so it would be really cheap for me to stay. Since it was so sudden, and I am truly the worst at booking travel, I asked if he would look for flight and book for me and I would pay him back the booking and everything.

So there I was. Just barely over three weeks before I would be getting on a plane to see a place and people I thought I had sworn off for the rest of my life. While the countdown ticked away, we were talking constantly and lots of flirting was happening. I didn’t admit to anyone that I was as excited to see Mike as I was to see Gram. Especially my family and Chairforce.

The night before my birthday I was at the first bonfire being held for my birthday where Mike said something along the lines claiming. I told him only if I got to do the same. He could call me his if I could call him mine. I wasn’t going to play that game again. I was going to demand a real relationship this time with full exposure. He said that was fair and we would talk about it when I came up. Long distance relationships are hard and shouldn’t be taken lightly. We both have trust issues.
It got to be that time. I was at Orlando International Airport waiting for my flight on Spirit Airlines to Atlantic City International Airport. I was doing okay. The entirety of the two weeks prior was filled with constant anxiety. Not over the flight or what would happen afterwards. But before. The airport itself. TSA. Boarding the plane. Would I be in a good seat? Would I find a seat near an outlet so I could charge my phone while I waited for two hours?

Even with all my lists I forgot my toothbrush. Yup.

When we pulled up to the drop off, I took a Xanax tab and another one maybe a half hour before boarding. I ended up falling asleep for the majority of the flight but of course you know I recorded the take off.

For all of what I had heard, Spirit Airlines wasn’t so bad!

I was staying at Harrah’s Casino with a water view.

On the last day while we were walking and driving around waiting for my time to go to airport, all I could think of was the talk we had had yet to have. I was incredibly nervous and worried about the entire thing. If he wanted to have it. Should I even bother. When should I instigate the conversation cause I knew he sure as hell wouldn’t. While we were walking on the fishing pier on the beach I finally came out with it and just asked ‘are we going to do this?’

He told me he was unsure of long distance relationships and a girl had recently screwed up all of his trust by going to back to her ex boyfriend the same day she had said they should try dating. And yes. This was one of the girls I was always paranoid of him messing with before he did his disappearing act. (Little sister, my ass.)

I reminded him I already told him my terms and if he wanted to try this I was willing to.

We decided to give it a try.

It soon after that came to be time for me to go the airport.

It was really fast since the airport is so small. Only ten gates in comparison to O.I.A. (or MCO its airport code) with two terminals and close to forty gates at each terminal. I still got pat down by TSA because Sally, Mike’s mustang peed on me. -.-

That car hasn’t done that to anyone since it happened to me in 2011 and my dad fixed it for him. Of course she had to say goodbye to me. Thanks, Sally. I missed you, too.

Everything was peaches and sunshine until we got on the plane. We’re moving along. I had a window seat on the wing with the seat next to me empty and a pilot hitchhiking in the aisle seat. I was cool and hadn’t even cried. I was ready for the crying but that wasn’t til later. Anyways. Chugging along and boom plane stops. Lights. Engines. Everything. Well. At least we were on the ground.

We get back to the gate and are kicked off the plane. We were told at minimum it would take an hour but who was willing to get back on the plane that suddenly not only lost power but refused to turn back on?

We ended up waiting for over seven hours. We were given a food “voucher” four hours in for $7.00. I had immediately after getting off thr plane bought a bag of combos. Another couple went and had sandwiches and a drink each. My very small bag of combos were five dollars. Their dinner? $45.00. Voucher my ass.

The entire time we were sitting there, what I had dubbed as the “bitch line” was constantly filled. I was avoiding it. I didn’t want to give up my prime seat along the wall where I had an outlet keeping my phone charged. I spent a lot of that time on the phone with Mike who was freaking out.

I am not sure if you remember but I have severe Agoraphobia. Fear of crowded and open spaces. And here I was locked in one for the unseeable future. I was eating Xanax like candy. Not really. But seeing as how I try to rarely if ever take it, taking those two tabs sure felt like it.

I called each of my parents (dad first of course) and Chairforce who was going to be my ride.

About two hours in a couple whose phone I watching for them whole they waited in line came over and warned me that the flight was probably going to get cancelled entirely and the flight to Ft Lauderdale leaving in forty five minutes was quickly filling up.

That’s when the real panic began.

Was I going to be stuck in the airport for the night?

Would I have to get a hotel?

How would I get to the hotel?

How would I pay for the hotel and cab?

I had and have zero money. I had some quarters left over from tolls in my purse and the two pennies change from my bag of combos and water bottle.

At that point I knew I would have to get in line. I explained my situation to the attendants at the desk when it was my turn and did my best to keep my voice level (trying not to cry. Not anger. They had no control over the situation. You learn that working in customer service your entire career life) and explained my situation. I was informed that unless the flight was cancelled they would not comp hotel or the rebooking of the flight. They possibly were going to be bringing a plane up from West Palm Beach that would be getting there around ten hopefully, a pilot that was with the girls informed me. But until that plane landed and they decided they were going or not going to use that plane, the flight wasn’t technically cancelled and thus I would have to wait.
Back to my seat on the wall I went. I had to lend out ny phone to a couple people. One’s phone wasn’t working and another didn’t have service. One had a three month baby by herself and another was an older woman who was utilizing a flip phone.

I had become queen and angel of that little charging podium.

I was doing my best to remain calm and just keep the mindset that I would eventually get on that plane and I had a place to charge to my phone.

I know it is very first world but some of my worst oanic attacks are when I lose my phone. Whether it is signal or if it dies, I freak. Every single possible emergency situation I could think of where I would need to be able get in contact with someone starts running through my mind.

Close to eleven pm we board the plane after I had been holding the three month old baby for almost an hour while the mother took a much needed nap.

The flight was fine. I fell asleep after taking another Xanax and after a little over two hours we landed at MCO a little after one in the morning. Chairforce was awesome and took a nap while waiting for my plane and came and got me. I gave him twenty bucks that my parents had stashed in the taurus for when he dropped me off at the taurus at a middle ground so he was more than reimbursed for his gas eco car and tolls.

I got home just ready to collapse in my bed and just compartmentalize this weekend. But my mother was in my room. With a trash bag. In her night gown. My bed was gone. My shelves and dresser was gone.

“So are you going to blow up the air mattress or am I?”

I hadn’t even said a word nor had she besides that sentence. I just turned around and walked away and downstairs to the laundry room where the love seat was for Timber and collapsed there.

I was down there for about an hour. I had cooled down and little and say to her “I am trying very hard to not be mad right now but I expect wherever you put my bed it will be back in my room in one piece tomorrow.”

With that I turned around gathered my blankets from the laundry room in their pile and made a bed on the floor. I can’t sleep on air matresses. With my arthritis every time I do, I can’t move afterwards. I prefer to sleep on the floor. Not an exaggeration or dramatization, I truly prefer it.

So for the next two nights I slept on my floor. I had found my bed in the dog pen and bleached the living hell of out and let it air out. I was angry in a very unsual way. A very physical way. I was throwing things. I broke a mirror while the house was empty.

To be honest that anger is still simmering but just bubbling below the surface.

My brother is now here on leave and why I am writing this post actually. As with every year whenever my brother comes home, I become the shame of the family. Not sure if you picked up on that by being made to sleep on a trashed floor.

Yesterday when I came home from a friend’s after a day of baking with Olive Garden left overs and a ton of pizelles (Italian cookies), my mother was in near tears. She couldn’t decided what to make dad dinner and didn’t know what she would eat. So I just quickly gave her my chicken parmesan, dayquil and tissues. Letting her think I believed it to be allergies otherwise she gets worse.

I made Dad dinner and explained what was going on with Mom.

I hadn’t spoken to my brother yet, he hadntw even been at the house as usual with some girl, but I texted him while I made fish for Dad.

I said I wasn’t trying to be snarky or nasty but was wondering if he would spend a day with Mom while he was here. It would help her feel better.

He showed up that night.

And he didn’t even do anything wrong today. But as usual my mother showed her preference. Today every moment I came out of my room and James was in the same room. “Your room stink. You need to take another shower. What is wrong with your hair? When are you getting a job. You need contribute. Go do the dishes (again. I wash them but she always puts them back in the sink).” So I was petting and playing with Moses and blows up on me.

I just walked out of the room. And here I am.



View from the room


I still don't understand the appeal of gambling.


Mike snuck this into my bag cause he knew I loved it. I feel a smidge bad but love it too much.




First time I had worn this apron in four years.

Drafted and posted using my Samsung Galaxy SIII. Please do forgive any typographical errors.


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