Tiny Little Things

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So things are still on a downhill slope. Where do I start?

Let me disappear for a second and find out where I left you off.

**

Okay. So to start off.

Work

Work is not happening. I have called in every shift for the last two weeks. I get severe panic attacks at just the thought and I cannot drive let alone for an hour to even try working the shift. Thus, I just give up – give in – and call in. There is no idea as to what is going to happen. I had an emergency visit with my psychiatrist to see if he could excuse me or put me on medical leave. He wrote a general excusal note but did not put me on medical leave. I only mentioned it the once and I guess he forgot to readdress it at the end of the appointment. The only thing that changed was I am now on Xanax twice a day and I was suggested to quit Disney and get a job that didn’t involve coworkers or patrons. Where the hell is that?

I have come to the conclusion that I feel like all of my medication is failing me. My emotions are no where near stable, my anxiety is out of control and my obsessive tendencies are on the rise.

So, I spoke with one of my managers Thursday night as I had a shift Friday just to see what should I do, what could I expect. And all he could suggest was to call Health Services and see if I cannot get an appointment with them and possibly have restrictions or medical leave induced.

Well.

I called.

And was denied assistance and was immediately transferred to a therapist who then immediately jumped into trying to force me into self committing myself into a ten day program.

I never mentioned suicide. Or any of my diagnoses besides my anxiety.

I was informed by another separate party that I could only be committed if I was suicidal. And I would never deny having suicidal thoughts. I do have those. But I have never attempted to act upon them or self harm in general.

So I just said I would speak to my parents about it and tried one more time for an appointment with Health Services and was once again turned down. After that, I simply ended the call.

While speaking with my Cigna Healthy Pursuits Coach, Becky, yesterday she helped me conclude that I don’t feel like I am in control. And when I don’t feel like I am in control is when I give up any control or stability I may have had left. She also suggested I go get a physical and see if maybe there isn’t anything physically wrong with me. That is an idea but the idea terrifies me. Beyond simple past experience, the money as always makes me jittery.

I have an appointment with a new psychologist tomorrow to see if that helps. “Joan”. I find it slightly funny. The psychiatrists are reffered to as Dr Last Name. The therapists are referred to by their first name. Which is very awkward for me. It seems very informal and slightly disrespectful.

Makes me wonder if they actually have their doctorates. The office does refer to them as therapists only as opposed to psychologists.

Outside of all this?

I was pretty fine.

I don’t know if any of you wonder why I haven’t named or even nick named my coworker turned friend since he has made his entrance to my posts. Well for one! His real name is so damn common I nickname all of them. Michaels. So many in the world. And another his nickname is one that would offend unless you know my military backstory with my family and our friendship. I call him Chairforce cause he is in the Air Force reserves. My family is Navy based. So… Chairforce.

I’ll call him Mike to limit the possible insult-ability.

So, Mike is a good friend. any chance he can he tries to get me out of my house. Distract me from everything going on and still push my comfort zones just that little bit to get me working on my anxiety a little at a time.
My friend Sassy doesn’t like that but we face our anxiety in two very different ways. And that is fine. We are two different people with different needs. After I explained it to her in a bit more detail she understood a little better.

He tended to call me every day during his drive to school from work and then from school to home. So he was hearing about everything that was going on first hand. Even as he is making his arrangements for his deployment to the desert he worries about his friends. My friend RL (red lipstick), has become slightly MIA amongst her own problems and he worries about her. He worried about me and even Sassy if she was having a bad day.

His solution for my anxiety was the last day before he left was to surprise me with a day… Somewhere.

Wouldn’t tell me where.

Or even when.

Just “you’re going to love it”.

Eventually he would give in and give me hints. Birds (he loves birds), I could get wet (so no dresses and wear a bathing suit), and it was in Orlando.

And there would be horses.

Horses? Where the hell are horses in Orlando besides Disney’s Triple D Ranch? And I know he wasn’t taking me to Disney.

Turns out it was SeaWorld. He bought me a day pass after we had some Dim Sum for breakfast.

He managed to talk me into going on all three rides (whoa) and feeding sting rays and dolphins. The dolphin feeding was easy and I really enjoyed it.

The sting rays?

Terrified me.

They felt weird.

They smelled.

And were… Kinda mean.

“Give me the shrimp! *splash*”

We did the entire park excusing the water shows in about four hours. Just spent the day relaxing and walking around.

We ended the night with dinner at the Turf Club. For once my drink somehow managed to be stronger than his. He almost always gets a rum and coke made with Bacardi 151. (Can I get an ick?) And I know now to order a mojito with Sprite. Somehow mine was stronger.

I now pinch myself when I didn’t buy his drink. It was going to be his last for at the very least a month and I should have after all he did.

One day I will do things when I should and not regret not doing them later.

Over all it was a good day.

Sassy will be here in 27 days.

Mike will be back in (hopefully) 35 days

My birthday is in 59 days.

I am trying to keep my head up and just take each day as it comes.

Posted from WordPress for Android. As much as I try to proof read, typos and grammatical errors will more than likely occur and I hope you can graciously forgive them and me.

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