I am just at the point where I can’t do this anymore. The pills aren’t doing anything. I feel like nothing I say can truly convey the pain and what the voices are saying.
I am at the point where I don’t want to try anymore. I want to give up and not have this icy ball of pain and snot in me anymore. I am done waking up every day realizing that this is my life and there is no way out.
What brought this on? Amongst how horrible these last few weeks have been, tonight my mother informed me of how disappointed she was. How selfish I am. How I have no chance of becoming what she wanted me to be.
If there was a truly easy way to be done with this, I would go down that road in a heartbeat.
Today with the therapist we were talking about friends and everyone I listed got the ‘that’s no good for you’ mark. Well, guess I am just not supposed to have friends. It isn’t like this is kindergarten anymore where you can offer a crayon and say, “what’s your name? Wanna play?”
Why can’t I have one little easy answer to one, just one of my problems?
I came this close to crying in front of my dad. I barely managed to excuse myself from his room and the tears and sobs began.
Crying in front of a doctor is one thing.
But my family?
It is just something I never do or want to do.
Why can’t I be a better person? Why can’t I become part of something and make friends? Why can’t I trust anyone to actually want to be my friend and not want me for my car or Disney access.
My will is broken.
Posted from WordPress for Android. As much as I try to proof read, typos and grammatical errors will more than likely occur and I hope you can graciously forgive them and me.