My Will Is Broken

Standard

I am just at the point where I can’t do this anymore. The pills aren’t doing anything. I feel like nothing I say can truly convey the pain and what the voices are saying.

I am at the point where I don’t want to try anymore. I want to give up and not have this icy ball of pain and snot in me anymore. I am done waking up every day realizing that this is my life and there is no way out.

What brought this on? Amongst how horrible these last few weeks have been, tonight my mother informed me of how disappointed she was. How selfish I am. How I have no chance of becoming what she wanted me to be.

If there was a truly easy way to be done with this, I would go down that road in a heartbeat.

Today with the therapist we were talking about friends and everyone I listed got the ‘that’s no good for you’ mark. Well, guess I am just not supposed to have friends. It isn’t like this is kindergarten anymore where you can offer a crayon and say, “what’s your name? Wanna play?”

Why can’t I have one little easy answer to one, just one of my problems?

I came this close to crying in front of my dad. I barely managed to excuse myself from his room and the tears and sobs began.

Crying in front of a doctor is one thing.

But my family?

It is just something I never do or want to do.

Why can’t I be a better person? Why can’t I become part of something and make friends? Why can’t I trust anyone to actually want to be my friend and not want me for my car or Disney access.

My will is broken.

Posted from WordPress for Android. As much as I try to proof read, typos and grammatical errors will more than likely occur and I hope you can graciously forgive them and me.

Advertisements

8 thoughts on “My Will Is Broken

  1. Sweetheart, you are a fantastic person. I’m heartbroken that your family isn’t a little more understanding, but you and I know that what you do in your own life doesn’t have anything to do with your parents. You and I know that you’re not selfish – it’s just the anxiety that makes you seem that way. I really do understand what you’re going through, and my most sound advice is to stop caring what other people think of you, and what you should be doing, please stop comparing your life to others – it does NO good in the healing process and NO good to your self-esteem, which I understand is very low right now.
    Look, I could sit here and tell you how wonderful you are without even having met you, but it’s not going to do any good until you start taking your power back. The best way is to start giving yourself a break! You’ve been through so much, the road is long, but it will get better. Yes, all those corny ads where people sit there and tell you “it gets better” are right. All YOU have to do is make the choice to be kinder to yourself.
    If you ever need or want to talk, just let me know. I know that sometimes you just wanna talk for the sake of talking, and I’ll be those ears, if you need them.
    All the kindness in the world to you 🙂

    • I just feel like they never gave me the tools I needed to be an independent adult. And now here I am with no visible way out.

      I know everyone says “don’t compare your I introduction to someone’s chapter 22,” but it very hard after growing up in such a judgemental family. Everything is measured, weighed and scrutinized. Those wires aren’t easily switched on the board.

      I just feel like this entire time has been “my break” aka I haven’t done diddly squat.

      I just feel frustrated and confused.

      Artful, you are always amazing and an uplifting spirit that rushes to rescue with band aids. I really really appreciate it. 🙂

  2. Sweetie oh how I feel your pain in so many ways.
    Nothing can burn more than a parent telling you something like that. How those words can burn themselves into your very soul. My own mother years ago all but said the same thing to me. Long before I knew I was struggling with mental illness. The words haunt me every day. Although she has since told me how very wrong she was to have said such a thing and how proud I’ve made her. I can only hope that your mother will come to get senses and see what an amazing and strong person you are.
    Oddly enough I had a very similar conversation with my therapist today about the people I choose as friends. How easy it is to surround yourself with the wrong people. Know that there is nothing wrong with you. Bad friends are like leaches and it’s best to be rid of them. As lonely as that seems you’re true friends will always shine through in the end.
    Sending hugs and good thoughts your way.

    • My dad understands as best as he can and hinted moving out which prompted all of this along with everything else since I have been stressing out about money non-stop.

      My mother on the other hand constantly reminds me how much I have fallen. All of my family suffers from similar illnesses bit they all “found their own way of dealing with it.” One franks himself almost to death. Two are pot heads and one is doing who knows what in the military which is quickly turning him into a narcissist.

      I see these words and it is hard to believe that I am these things. My therapist had two serious surgeries and was back at work less than a week earlier, but here I a calling in because of a panic attack?

      I feel very weak and guilty for it.

      She said pretty much the same on the subject of friends but did not grasp the fact that once she was done I didn’t have any friends left. I don’t have anyone to hang out with or call up and say hey I need an ice cream and cry night.

      There is me. Just me.

      At least I have you guys!

      • My Dad is very similar he tries his best to understand…honestly now my Mother does as well, although years ago she didn’t seem to even want to try. I now wonder if it was because she saw so much of her Mother, my Grandmother in me. Talking with my Mom now I realize my Grandmother also suffered much as I did, but she was also quite violent at times.
        I can also understand how you feel about having to call into work over a panic attack, when others can return to work after surgery, or for me, I had a coworker who was working on basically a shattered knee and here I am calling out because I of anxiety. But it’s not JUST a mental illness.
        We suffer just as much as someone who has an illness that “shows” sometimes we suffer more. Don’t feel weak or guilty…god it’s hard for me to say when I feel the same way but, YOU ARE NOT WEAK!!! You as so very strong. You are here. You are sharing your story with us. That I think can be a very scary thing to do. And it takes a strong person to share all this with strangers. It also takes a very strong person to have the will to live each day knowing how bad things can get for us.
        Know you do have friends. Perhaps they are online for now. But sometimes those can be the best friends. Although not the best for the hang out and binge on ice cream and cry times.

      • My mother does try. She is however me but 40x worse when it comes to her own mental health.

        To me writing here is a therapy all on its own. I do write in a journal but since I don’t really have a support network, it tends to make it worse when I feel so alone in my pain.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s