I Don’t Know What Is Wrong


Yesterday was Hell Day, and I think I was the only one who remembered it.

Seven years since Robbie died.

I didn’t leave the house other than to go to the library to pick up the books that came in. I had placed Bipolar: A Survival Guide on hold as well as various photography books on hold in preparation for Thursday.

This past Wednesday when I found out I was scheduled three days in a row, my mother offered a bribe or reward of sorts. Her suggestion was a serger, but I knew there was a chance it would be untouched. I knew what I wanted. A real camera. And not a point or shoot either.

I loved taking photos with my SIII, but it is very restricting. For years I have been wanting a DSLR, something within the T*I series from Canon and the T3i was on sale.

I had realized soon after that, that I had managed to transfer my obsessive anxiety from my fears about work to my absolute desire for this camera.

And guess what?

I made it through all three days. It was rough. Very rough. On Saturday I was feeling a bit of mania towards the end. It was two AM, I hadn’t slept since Thursday and I was willing to keeping going and do the 3rd shift if someone called in. I wanted to go go go.

Sunday was the worst. I had a break down towards the end when I had a cash payment and realized everyone else would be gone if I did something wrong. I pulled aside an FSA I trusted and asked to speak in private. I had come to him with health usually physical issues before he had been receptive.

I explained my diagnoses and the panic attack I was about to have. It was almost twelve thirty at night and with the lack of sleep it wouldn’t be safe to take any dosage of Klonopin as I had already taken half a tab about four hours previous.

The closing manager popped his head in to see what was going on and that’s when I broke.

I told the FSA he could explain what was going on by pointing between them from where I had turned around to face away when I was crying.

I hate crying.

By the end of the night I wasn’t the only one.

But before that, they offered to let me bank out early and walk me through it.

I took my second break after to try and pull back together but before my break was over I was walking past the back office when I heard someone consoling, “it’s okay. You’re not in trouble…” And I saw one of our girls that had been there for a while. Very socially awkward, and well, a lot of people talk about her.

Immediately my own instincts kicked in and I held my arms out for a hug.

Just like my mother, I take care of others better than myself.

After making sure it was okay and seeing the signs of a panic attack on the rise, I showed her my hiding spot in the stock room where it was dark and quiet.

And I just let her let it out.

After a moment she confided that the on duty manager was the only one she felt comfortable with, I encouraged her to speak with him and seek assistance.
He was with a guest so I took her back and had her sit down again and waited for him to find us.

I was commended for helping her but I didn’t know how to explain it was instinct and empathy.

He then spent the next hour or so in the office with her, talking with her as he did his closing paperwork. Every few guests I would check on her and get a thumbs up and a small smile.

Anyways. I made it through the three days and earned that camera.

Now I have to wait til Thursday. Just two days.

On Sunday before work I made an order on Amazon for a wireless remote, an SD card holder and well, an SD card. Sony 16 GB class 10.

It made the $35 free shipping option and I am still waiting for it to ship. It has never taken Amazon, as all are by Amazon, a full day to ship out and it has been a day and a half. I am just being very impatient.

Yesterday, I kept checking my email again and again waiting for that shipping notice. Hoping the high of my items shipping would help me forget what day it was. I was feeling exhausted and couldn’t shake it. Eventually I fell asleep around three PM and didn’t wake up til 8 AM this morning. I still feel exhausted and depressed and down.

Tomorrow is my last EAP visit with Georgia Peach and another week closer to her practice closing.

This post was drafted from mobile device and is more than likely riddled with typos and grammatical errors. Please forgive and forget folks. If it is not too much of a bother, that is.


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