Spring is here, and no one can deny just how beautiful it really is.
Everything is green and lush and vibrant. And of course that also means the start of Spring Sundays. Once Spring hits, my mother and I will join my older sister and her two kids (+husband sometimes) at the one of the many natural springs located in Central Florida. Almost always it is this beautiful place called Silver Glen. My mother is actually on a first name basis with almost all of the rangers by now. It is her dream job. Hippie set free amongst nature and getting paid for it? Yeah. A dream for her.
Now, last night was Day Six of taking Seroquel and Day Three of taking Seroquel at 150 mg. There have been some noted constant side effects (namely my face has broken out like a bad prison TV show) but that is for another time. However every night like clockwork an hour after taking the Seroquel I would become very drowsy and simply have to concentrate on counting for the following hour to fall asleep.
Yet last night even with taking the medication at 7:30 PM and getting the drowsy feeling on time – why did I not fall asleep until almost five in the morning?
The only thing I could think of was the fact that I would be leaving my house, and driving over an hour into the middle of the woods to see aforementioned family.
Now my sister and I have the epitome of a love/hate relationship. I have recently begun within the last couple years to making a lot of ties to a number of my anxieties to my older sister.
Fear of blood in the water
Talking to strangers
How I interact with children
She never intended for this to happen I know. She even was the reason why I worked to gain back my ability to connect emotionally.
“No one can love you if you can’t love yourself with the guard you have goin’ on. Are you hiding the crown jewels in there or somethin’?”
But she also would place wagers with my brothers about how quickly they could make me mad, or cry, or have a sensory overload.
They loved me in their own special way.
I think my mother noticed how twitchy I was (probably my nonstop pacing) and offered me an outlet by asking me to drive the truck. If I had been made to sit absolutely still for the near hour out, my hackles would be saying hello there.
But they weren’t -too much. I was ready if need be and ready to not need be.
We took our little trolley down to our tables we had every weekend, every spring season. I was to be grilling some kabobs. Never ending freakin’ kabobs. I probably grilled close to fifty skewers.
My mom has already warned me that she let it slip to some of the family as to what I was going through which I am kinda okay with but am attempting to be more okay. Nancy was one and one I was actually alright with her knowing as her biological (she was a stray that came into my family’s life) family has a pronounced history of mental disorders and bipolar disorder was a big player.
I didn’t realize how much I needed to hear that someone really understood. Like, hear, hear. Not here ye/hear ye. But sitting with someone and hear them give just support and love.
“You have needed this for so long.”
“It must be hard but I can already see how much calmer you are. Your leg isn’t bouncin’ like mad.”
“I am really proud of you. Really proud.”
We spoke of the medication, I opened up about my social and work anxieties the constant feeling that something is always watching me. Always watching and judging.
It left me with good vibes and hope.
Hope is a beautiful and powerful thing. Even if you don’t have much, a little is much stronger than nothing.
So, yeah. Gorgeous day out today.
I even got in the water. Which was freezing in case you were wondering.
There was just one damper that was like a skinny tick in a tight spot.
At this park the rangers are very active and interactive. Like I said before, my mother is on a first name basis with many of them.
However there was the new guy who had apparently only been there two weeks and had a staring problem. When my mother and I were walking down and I had the little trolley he was in his little golf cart and just followed us at the slowest crawl.
Normally I hate the assuming anything about anything.
So I tried to use reason.
Maybe he wants to stay on the path.
Maybe he wants to see where we set up so he can check the cooler
Maybe the boss told him to stay near the clay trail to not mess up the landscaping.
My mother and I get there and start setting up after greeting Nancy. He parks about twenty to thirty feet away and just stares at me. Not my mother. Not my sister. Me. I was separated from them getting the grill going.
He continued to watch and stare for the next hour and a half.
I have no idea why I did not confront him. Normally I do. Especially if I am with my nieces and nephews like today. But I did not. The kids were out in the water and it was just me. So why didn’t I?
When my mother and Nancy got back from the trail he of course chose then to get up and drive off.
So. Just for random funsies, I have recently been making sure to have my SIII charged and taking pictures around the house and yard. And yes, still working on the latest dress but I am going as slow as possible to relax back into practice.
Now without further ado…
They love this pew that we have had for close to fourteen years now. Doesn’t matter that they can barely fit.
Til next time.
This post was drafted from mobile device and is more than likely riddled with typos and grammatical errors. Please forgive and forget folks. If it is not too much of a bother, that is.