Attacks

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The idea of going to work for my first shift in months is terrifying me.

There’s shaking, my mind doing its fast blood/slow mind trip and just general all out attack.

I’m doing my best to just talk myself into feeling like I can do it.

Easy work, easy shift. It’ll be Sunday, so no UPS/Fed-Ex deliveries. But I am still terrified.

My mother is angry at me for reacting this way. She thinks I just don’t want to work. Every time I try explaining, “so you’re going to quit then?”

No.

At first I thought it was just Disney and that massive pile of bad experiences and environments but it has always been this way in any environment.

At first I am really happy for maybe a week or minimum a couple hours then quickly enough the shakes and crying begins.

I would constantly hear whispers, imagine looks being tossed my way and I would want to find a closet and hide. It is always a battle to work a shift anywhere doing anything from start to finish without catering to the idea of just walking out.

What do I do?

Even when I start to believe maybe I can work the shift tomorrow what about come Wednesday when the next schedule is posted? What if they are all front desk shifts? Terrified.

What I have done isn’t the mature or correct action when my mind starts racing and churning like this. Yet I keep hoping it will be done and gone quickly.

Is it even possible for there to be anxiety and fear like this because of..  Your job? I cannot live like this. Or survive or support myself like this. I don’t know what to do or who to turn to to fix this and make me better.

This post was drafted from mobile device and is more than likely riddled with typos and grammatical errors. Please forgive and forget folks. If it is not too much of a bother, that is.

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6 thoughts on “Attacks

  1. I am bad when it comes to advice on these topics as I am going through similar situations. I have ended up quitting or getting fired from ten different jobs in just over two years. I suffer from depression, borderline personality disorder, and anger problems. Do your best to stay strong and positive. I believe in you.

    • Thanks. I have usually been pretty calm and accepting of my difficulties but right now… I find myself quite terrified of it being put in red ink. Good luck to you as well. 🙂 Thank you for showing your compassion.

  2. Golly. I have been there, my friend.
    It’s so hard to give you advice! I remember returning to work after my agoraphobia, and my workplace were very understanding and relaxed in what I did. There was a lot of “take your time, let us know what you need to do”.
    Have you tried talking to your work about it? Not so much about the anxiety, but just saying something along the lines of “I have a condition that may cause me to leave the desk at times”?
    Most of all, try to remain positive.
    I still feel the way you are describing – even though I have worked at my current job for over 3 years I still have days where I worry if I can get through it.
    Try to focus on getting your physical body better – see an acupuncturist or a naturopath, someone who understands what it needs and help you. I’m only saying that because it was one of the main factors in my recovery – no one links mental illness to the physical, but I swear it’s true!

    • My last location was very… Mr Mayor of Nightmare Before Christmas. Depending on the where, why, and most importantly who – is what you get. Maybe I should have more faith my managers and the company but I can’t see them understanding or even at most believing me. How do I explain this to them?

      Something as simple as my hypoglycemia caused problems. Close calls for passing out on track are innumerable. And that was a something easily explained and tested/proven. Like we have talked before, I have issues when I try explaining and I feel like they don’t believe me. Or feel I am lying or it’s all in my head – the other way.

      I’m getting sweaty and tappy trying to visualize it. Do you do that? I have to imagine any conversation and all the variables of where it might go or what they will say if I want to have any semblance of calm before during and after.

      And on the physical side. My entire life has only been homeopathy… Almost to a fault. Only last year was I convinced to try out actual acupuncture when the migraines were effecting my eye sight. I have tried diet manipulations, exercise, meditation and recently yoga. If you know of anything or specific treatments, I would love to know!

      You have no idea how much I cherish the fact you took the time to comment and express your compassion. I love reading your posts and they help me so much. Thank you!

      • I just don’t like to know others are having such a hard time, cause I know how it feels!
        I’d have to say that acupuncture helps me a whole lot. It takes a couple of sessions for you to notice, I must admit. I see someone who uses a laser instead of the needles – works just as well, as far as I know. I would really recommend it.

        I have low blood pressure, so, I get you. It’s hard to feel confident when you don’t know if your body is going to co-operate! My acupuncturist recommended I constantly sip water throughout the day – it helps the nutrients and blood flow better around the body, among other things.
        Are you a grazer? Do you eat small meals constantly or do you just eat 3 big meals? It’s better if you eat 5-6 smaller meals if you have trouble with your blood-sugar, and one trick I’ve started to do at work is take dissolvable tablets that you can get from the chemist; the ones you drink if you’ve been up all night vomiting – that has a lot of electrolytes and important things your body needs. If I’m feeling like my brain is slwoing down or I’m getting light-headed, I sip it. It may help?

        I have a rule with visualising now, and it’s simply: if I visualise and it’s uncomfortable, gets me anxious, etc, then I stop. I completely forget about it. It’s clear that I am hitting a brick wall and it’s not helping. If something is really hard to think positively about, I don’t think about it at all, and just focus on the things that are easy to think about.

        🙂

      • I have been using natural therapy my entire life. My mother used acupuncture her entire life after turning 18 for her tumors and other ailments. However you couldn’t just get me anywhere near the needles unless absolutely necessary. Irrational, but true. Haha.

        Growing up in a such a natural medicine based home I do not drink much else besides tea and water. And it wasn’t til I took over the culinary program for Chef that I began to understand the build of meals. Snacks and fruits were mostly what my days consist of mostly due to my mother’s history with severe hypoglycemia.

        One of my main issues is my inability to control and stop. I am positive it is a base reasoning for my sleep depravation.

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