The idea of going to work for my first shift in months is terrifying me.
There’s shaking, my mind doing its fast blood/slow mind trip and just general all out attack.
I’m doing my best to just talk myself into feeling like I can do it.
Easy work, easy shift. It’ll be Sunday, so no UPS/Fed-Ex deliveries. But I am still terrified.
My mother is angry at me for reacting this way. She thinks I just don’t want to work. Every time I try explaining, “so you’re going to quit then?”
At first I thought it was just Disney and that massive pile of bad experiences and environments but it has always been this way in any environment.
At first I am really happy for maybe a week or minimum a couple hours then quickly enough the shakes and crying begins.
I would constantly hear whispers, imagine looks being tossed my way and I would want to find a closet and hide. It is always a battle to work a shift anywhere doing anything from start to finish without catering to the idea of just walking out.
What do I do?
Even when I start to believe maybe I can work the shift tomorrow what about come Wednesday when the next schedule is posted? What if they are all front desk shifts? Terrified.
What I have done isn’t the mature or correct action when my mind starts racing and churning like this. Yet I keep hoping it will be done and gone quickly.
Is it even possible for there to be anxiety and fear like this because of.. Your job? I cannot live like this. Or survive or support myself like this. I don’t know what to do or who to turn to to fix this and make me better.
This post was drafted from mobile device and is more than likely riddled with typos and grammatical errors. Please forgive and forget folks. If it is not too much of a bother, that is.