There are nights when your thoughts become so dangerous and dark.
I learned last night, well it was confirmed that I can’t… Cry anymore. Even in my teens when I was a “warmed up zombie” I would cry. And cry a lot as teenaged girls do. Now, my eyes will water and my throat gets tight but a couple deep breaths and it is gone.
Should I be happy or scared about this? My hair trigger tears have always been a point of embarrassment for me and it seems I do not have to worry about that anymore. But does this mean I have progressed and matured or does it mean that I am back to Lara 1.0 but with minor upgrades?
Last weekend I actually found myself saying something I haven’t said since high school.
“I have no opinion or stance to make”
My fear of putting blood in the water, so to speak, has returned ten fold. There is always the burn of cross hairs somewhere on me at all times, waiting for a shot.
Yesterday was an interesting day. Man B from that Downtown Orlando bar texted me for the first time since that night last night. Reading that sentence back in my head sounds quite wrong, but deal with it. Anyways, we talked for quite a long time. Texted. And it was fun and nice but soon enough I started wondering what the heck I was doing.
I am barely capable of keeping speaking relationships with friends and family right now.
I barely leave my room. I’m terrified of the idea of a work environment.
Master of Memory Repression I may be, but I don’t know.
I just don’t know. My fingers are losing their grip of the slippery edge of sanity.
Things are so high and great for two seconds and then I remember who and what I am and I fall back down in the deep. Yoga hasn’t been helping yet.
Oh, and my gum has split over the top of my wisdom teeth. It doesn’t hurt as much as it feels like I am constantly biting my cheek.
This post was drafted from mobile device and is more than likely riddled with typos and grammatical errors. Please forgive and forget folks. If it is not too much of a bother, that is.