Detachment

Standard

I have been very depressed the last few days. Very much so last night and tonight.

Normally on night like these as my thoughts plunge deeper into the darkness, I feel physical pain. Frost rushing just below in my wrists. And stab of cold in the center of my palms and chest.

I feel lonely.

I feel forgotten.

I feel lost.

I keep getting reminders just how far behind I am. And as I lay in my room day after day, night after night I have started to come to terms with many things.

Back in high school I felt like this, sad and dripping, but I still held hopes for being some sort of success.

I guess part of growing up is realizing someone has to play the parts of that NPC.

Not all of us can be lawyers, or doctors, or have a career we are passionate about. Moving out at eighteen into that college dorm at a respected university. Or even maybe taking a year off or starting an adventure.
Kids that were just starting at my county bumpkin high school have graduated and many are already coming to the end of their freshman year.

And here I am. At home. Everyday. Talking to no one besides my dogs, my cats, and Sassy if my phone works. I have worked four shifts since October and even if I was scheduled anything. I am terrified to go to work. It has been so long and so much has changed.

Time ago, I used to wonder what did have I done wrong? What could I do?

Lately, I have just settled into what I believe to be my reality. For all my book shelves lined with fantasies and my dreams, that is where they stay and end. They are just my books. Not my future.

Ever since before Mike really left, I was preparing myself. To go back to who I was.

It truly is better this way.
Last night I realized the cold wasn’t there. The tears are, but the frost doesn’t bite.

Does this mean I am finally growing up?

Sass. Don’t be mad. I was fine when I was talking to you really. Sad. But okay and fine.

I know I am not alone in having trepidations about sharing these kinds of things.

Just how little one feels. Always scratching the days in the back of your mind.

As of late, I have really felt supremely insecure. Kind of buds along with the failure tack. Feeling so tiny. Insignificant and invisible.

My mom likes watching romantic comedies and picks them up frequently at garage sales. She picked up Made of Honor a while back and well, I stayed away from it cause they never have been my thing.

I either feel so very embarrassed or just reminded of how empty things are.

And as I would watch these – I can’t help but still believe that there aren’t men that feel as they are portrayed in these films. Sap eyed and desperate just like any girl in love. Like I was.

And yet on the other hand (I am positively built with legos of contradictions) I know there are. Because that is human nature. Just as it is to be a skeptic and a cynic.

I am so very young to feel this way, but after my years, I feel so very old. So very, very old. Apparently according to my last visit to the doctors, and this was… Well a year ago, my JRA is progressing faster than anticipated when I was diagnosed at ten. I was told then that I would probably be confined to a wheelchair by the time I was forty. The update… I won’t even get that much time.

I am already hiding on my bed day in and day out. Guess that won’t be much of a hassle.

Goodness.

Don’t you feel pathetic for ever sharing such a big whomping pity party like this one? I don’t like talking about these thoughts because I have always felt that it is just a grab for attention. Like pretending you were drowning at the pool as a kid or something.

Advertisements

8 thoughts on “Detachment

    • Thanks. šŸ™‚ Everyone does and that is why I always hesitate sharing and delving into such thoughts. Thoughts like these are always in the back of my mind if not the forefront, but I do my best to push them aside.

  1. I don’t think that people saying how they’re feeling is a pity party. Sure, some people can take it that way, but some people are as*holes (pardon the language – I try not to use it on here). I think there’s a big difference in getting stuff out when you need to BECAUSE you need to, and doing it for attention.
    I don’t know how difficult it was for you to post this, but I can imagine how difficult it would be for me to do the same (and how difficult it HAS been for me to make more personal posts).
    We all have our days, sometimes more often than others and almost always more often than we would like. I think getting some bad news at the DR is MORE THAN ENOUGH reason to be down. Sometimes you don’t even need a reason, just happens.

    I also know what it’s like to ‘live in books’, I guess could be said. It’s easy sometimes to get down when you see these false realities where amazing things happen, then you take a look at your life and think, “Well…s***.” (Sorry again.)
    But amazing things can happen in the world too. Maybe not the likes of rom-coms (coming from a fellow cynic), but good things that are worth experiencing.

    I don’t have a clue what all you’re going through, and I don’t even really know you past knowing you like drawing on your arms, but I don’t like the thought of you (or anyone else) sitting around being sad. You’ve gotta live your life, you know? Even when it sucks, or is hard to want to. ESPECIALLY then.

    I hope you’re feeling better now than you were when you wrote this, I sincerely do. Life has a tendency to kick you when you’re down. And sometimes? Life deserves a good, swift kick in the face. So kick away, because you deserve that.

    Sorry this was so long, or if it was totally off-base. >.>

    • Starting off with the very bottom, please do not apologize for the depth or contents of your comment. I really truly appreciate you taking the time to reach out.

      Besides, you’re a writer right? It is who you are to write and write!

      My posts, and replies would be mirroring your posts if I had access to an actual keyboard as opposed to my phone.

      And you do not offend me with your asterisks. Haha. I try to refrain as well and well… My will power isn’t as strong as that.

      Since thoughts like these are in my mind on a near constant basis, it builds and builds and I worry about sounding like the one person we all know and have in our lives. That nothing, just nothing ever seems right. Sometimes it is founded and sometimes it is… Well, attention.

      Your kind words and expression of enthusiasm for punching life in the face (I thought that seemed like a good sum up of what you said), brought a smile to my face and I think that is one of the best gifts that can be bestowed in life. So, thank you.

      This blog started out as an outlet to give something, anything for me after my miscarriage last year. It was going to be sewing after I fixed my mom’s old machines from the fifties and eventually when I felt like my head was going to explode. “Stuck in my head.” And as things seemed to continually spiral downwards, I turned to this. I am a very private person in general and I write in a journal every day but sometimes it just helps to know it is out -there-. You know?

      It is generally hard to explain but I hope that brought some sort of understand. I wouldn’t be surprised if one or a few of my previous posts explores that further on a better key board than this.

      On that note -typos. They happen and I am generally too lazy. Forgive me? Haha.

      • Sorry it took me so long to reply to this!

        I’m glad you didn’t think I was a weirdo for the comment. And yes, I can’t help but to writewritewrite. šŸ™‚

        Gah, I couldn’t imagine trying to do all this from my phone. I will cross my fingers for you to have keyboard access soon.

        I think life is kind of like that sometimes, like nothing ever seems right. Maybe one day it straightens itself out and stuff gets better. I’m holding out my hopes for that, but not my breath.
        And yeah, a lot of things I say can pretty much be summed up with ‘punching life in the face,’ for sure. I try to take that approach (or at least the mindset of it) because I’m often frustrated by life and wish it was a physical entity that COULD be punched in the face the way it regularly deserves.

        I’m really sorry about your miscarriage. šŸ˜¦
        That’s an extremely difficult experience to go through, and I hope you’re feeling better now. Outlets do help, I think, even if only for distractionary (that should be a word) purposes.
        I can’t tell you how badly I wish I could sew. I made a pair of pajama pants once, but that didn’t work out so well. I was still proud of them though. Do you do that much?

        I definitely know how difficult it is to get things out when you’re a private person (I am too). But there’s always the struggle of not wanting to feel so alone, and to just GET STUFF OUT. I think it helps when you know there are people out there who can relate to your experiences, even (maybe especially) the ones you wouldn’t wish on anyone.

        There’s nothing to forgive with any typos. They happen. I can go over things fifty million (exaggeration) times, and they still seem to magically appear. Gotta love them.

        But I’ll agree with you totally and say that a smile is one of the best gifts ever. When you feel like you can’t manage it, they’re especially special. Watch. Now ‘especially special’ is going to be my go-to thing for the next two weeks. I’m shaking my head at myself.

        Anyway, I really hope you’re doing well. šŸ™‚

      • Hakuna Matata!

        Lately I have been on a writewritewrite stream too. But all with pen and paper.

        I am sure life gets better and only will when I see it that way. Things can turn on a dime and have dreams come true but if you old see nasty bits…

        Thank you for taking such time to reply even if it has been a bit! I kinda have gone a electronics cleanse myself and I am having to almost force a reply. Haha. It feels weird talking and being open again.
        And I can only imagine how that must feel for you. I mean, if I remember correctly you have done something similar just recently?

        And I am doing well! Still no work, but I don’t go any where or do anything so it has been pretty okay for me. Haha. In the last month and a half I have filled two journals and gone through about seven Zebra V-301’s. You should check those out – they’re FABULOUS. But I am also a southpaw so I am probably biased. I was reading reviews which were not all that great and mostly had to do with fluidity and need to write at an angle. Natural territory for lefties. Win! Haha.

        I hope you are doing well and things have caught up for you! Especially after your especially special break. ;P

      • Now I’m going to have Hakuna Matata stuck in my head all day! haha

        Life really can turn on a dime. It seems to enjoy doing that.
        Old nasty bits are inevitable, and I think that’s good. I like to stay far away from them, lol.

        It’s been a bit for replying again, and I’m sorry about that. I’ve been working my butt off on books (apart from a week and a half or so stint of getting caught up in Fable).
        I think electronic cleanses (loved that, by the way) are good from time to time. I know I’ve definitely found a better headspace from stepping back a bit and focusing on work.

        Hm. As for talking and being open? I occasionally dip my feet into that water, then pull them back out and spend however long frustrated about the state of them. LoL. Yeah, it’s definitely not easy for me. I’m always impressed when people do it, just because it’s so hard for me to do.
        Other than feeling weird, do you feel/have you felt better about getting some stuff out?

        WOW on filling up that many journals! How is that going now?
        I’ve never used a fountain pen. I might have to check those out. I typically only use gel pens when I’m writing (because most of the handwriting I do is editing), but I like to use really inky pens to write the chapter/page numbers at the bottom of pages. There’s something spectacular about the way certain pens write. I’m running out of ink with my inky pens, so I’ll try that one out. šŸ™‚
        Gah, I can only imagine all the smearing from being left-handed. I should take pictures of the side of my hand after editing for a full night. So colorful…
        (I’m digressing…)

        Thanks. I really hope you’re doing well too. šŸ˜€
        Sorry again for me generally sucking at responses. I keep telling myself I’ll get better, then I lose track of time…

      • At least it is a good song no one will look at you sideways for if you bust out singing’!

        Haha. “Old nasty bits” was actually a typo. It was meant to be ONLY nasty bits in a nod to perspective. But it still worked!

        I remember my first and only round with Fable. It only took me a couple days to make my way through it but I didn’t stop to do the “fun stuff” apparently. The getting laid, getting married, going evil – not necessarily in that order. Haha.

        Cleanses of any kind with the correct mind sight are always the greatest. šŸ˜€ I can’t seem to make myself permanently abstain from the things I try to “cleanse” from.

        Pruney toes! Haha. On the hand, I tend to wish I didn’t feel the compulsion to share, and reach for acceptance. I feel like that is usually a big reason for my problems. Sometimes you feel better and sometimes you wish you could just scoop everything up and stuff it all back to where it came from. All depends on the reception and toss back, I guess.

        I can be a very lazy person and one thing I hate more than anything is to repeat myself. So actually in the last couple days I haven’t really written too many entries as I have been writing on here. Comes and goes in waves. Same with writing stories, drawing or sewing.

        And gel pens are the bomb. I do believe we have that established quite well. Fountain pens are a tender favorite simply for when I go back and read old items and the ink has just seeped into the individual fibers and wefts of the paper. Gives me the shivers and tingles like a good song. Haha. Weird, sorry.

        Maybe you can make a night piece of art from the smearing on your hand? I know after working with pastel chalks it looked like my palm had just come back from Woodstock and it was AWESOME. Do you have a favorite color for editing? When I did write stories in the past red was the only I felt right but it made my OCD tendencies to color code. Grammar and sentences construction was in blue. Spelling was in orange, and story build addition/rewrites were in green or purple. Felt so good. Haha.

        And don’t apologize! I never hold creative people to expected markers especially when it comes to time management. We simply can’t be expected to stay focused on that kind of thing!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s