Getting Back On the Horse

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I guess it is just time for me to try sitting down and writing again. I just got home today after spending essentially the week at my boyfriend’s house. Which was nice but also quite frustrating at the same time. I seem to bounce back and forth between liking the relationship and asking myself, “what the heck am I doing with this guy?”

He is so needy, and picky, clingy. But he does make me laugh and is quite nice if a bit vapid. Every time I question this thing I’m doing, I become scared. Scared that maybe why all his faults are staring me in the face is simply because John is not Mike.

Mike… really messed with my head. When I think back, I can’t remember if he meant anything he said or did. Or if the person I saw and loved was a real person at all and not just him seeing the kind of guy I liked and he played the part. One part says no way but the rest goes, how do you know that? You never thought him capable of just up and abandoning you like he did. Even though he swore, in writing, that he would never do that.

So, I stick out dealing with John. Holding out and hoping I will start to fall for this guy. This small, incoherent being.

Or am I just playing the Mike’s part this time?

What should I do? Once again I had fallen into my rut of sinking down and forgetting my wants and needs to make someone else happy.  I found myself cleaning up after him, doing his laundry, cooking him food and pampering him with those damned back scratches he is obsessed with.

And he “shh”d me when I was talking to him, more than once! It was just rude and pissed me off. I felt it was very disrespectful and demeaning and I explained that to him.

I told him last night at the end of his birthday celebrations that I was done. I needed to start focusing on me and he could choose to help me or I could walk away from this entirely. I didn’t get out of one one-sided and selfish relationship to just hop into another.

Sassy likes to tease me about the ‘woes of having a boyfriend’. Yes, companionship is nice but it doesn’t out wiegh or negate my frustrations. I still love her and understand what she means so I try to hold back from laying all my thoughts and worries on her. Because she has her own pain and worries and I’m not going to add on to it.

Also for the last three days, I have been having this debilitating chest pains. It hurts when I breathe, laugh or yawn in my sternum. Right at the lower connection and up the center. The couple days before that I was having my ‘rib pains’ I have had since I was a child. When I would breathe my lowest rib would feel like it is stabbing my diaphragm or lung. Usually on the right side. Does anyone else experience this? Usually the only way to make this go away is to take a lot of slow and deep breaths until it eases up.

Hopefully I will do what I need to do and visit you guys again soon to write

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