Rituals and Motions

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It is almost the New Year. How many times do you think you will read something along those lines this upcoming week if not already? But of course with its speedy approach I am thinking of what I would like to change or become with this new start.

So that will be this post! And since today is an feeling icky day, that usually means my thoughts are a mile a minute. Thus I want to write and talk to you guys.

I created some new boards on my Pinterest hoping to follow Tilly’s advice on sewing for your own style. Over the last year I have started to really figure out and choose who I am as a young woman. What features I like to highlight, color choices and particular designs. But once I made this board, I went to the women’s fashion tab and couldn’t find anything I could picture myself wearing. Nothing at all. I’ll just keep revisiting until I am more comfortable.

How did you develop your personal style and how long til you felt it was a solid matter?

In this New Year along with everyone else I want to make some lifestyle changes for my health and happiness. I want to get a stable full time job that will support my needs and wants. I also want to start seeing a professional and really get my mental health on track. Yes, I do believe I have held up the façade of presenting myself a normal functioning human being but it is time we make that the actual truth. It will take time but I am willing to dedicate myself. Though I am scared of being labeled a lost case and a liar again. Any tips or helpful anicdotes?

I’ve been making some new friends! I haven’t been feeling anywhere near as lonely or simply alone in my struggles. I have so many to reach out to and say, “I need someone right now. Help me.”

A recent friend who came into my life was actually thanks to my ex. We hung out on his birthday and eventually I feel like we are pretty close friends with a great understanding for one another. I’m not going to say names to respect their privacy as I actually respect them and do not know how they would feel about that. Haha. But I am so grateful. For Sassy and this new friend. Very grateful.

And lastly, I will ask something of you. I want to ask for your support in helping me meet monthly goals I will be setting for myself from now on. Even though December is almost over, my goal for this month is to finish the purple dress. I have four days. It is a lot more technical than what I’ve done in the past but I’m going to do it! I want to take pictures and document the rest of my progress.

Do you have a goal system? How do you find it helps you?

Drafted and posted using my Samsung Galaxy SIII. Please do forgive any typographical errors.

I Come Back To You

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I write this post with Michael Buble crooning in my ear. I have been working on a few things since the last time I saw y’all.

One of my friends developed severe carpal tunnel syndrome in her left hand at work. She would wear the immobilizer and be good, but from my vast experience with my own joint pain be it JRA or the tendons that tore in my wrist, that the immobilizer wouldn’t be enough especially during the cold snaps. So I set on developing a pattern for a wrist snuggie. Something soft, with light support and will sufficiently keep the joint warm and in her case fit over her immobilizer.

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I traced my hand and roughly sketched where I wanted the snug to sit. I eventually added an extra two inches to the outside of my palm and just an inch abd a half on the inside by my thumb.
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That’s just the muslin, I plan to add Velcro to one side to make it easy to put on with one hand. And a cute fashion fabric with the fleece lining so she will want to actually wear it. Haha.

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I haven’t had a SINGLE shift this entire month. Not one. That fact has been sitting in the back of my mind this entire month as I have yet another huge medical bill due on Christmas day of all days. And phone bill the next day. I won’t be able to pay either. So I’m expecting my phone to be turned off. And seeing as how I don’t have a computer or internet, I’ll be losing more than just a phone. Any shifts I picked up last month seeing as I wasn’t scheduled any last month either were via people contacting me on my phone.

We’ll just have to see what happens.

Anyways, yesterday I dyed my hair. I’ve had stuff from sally’s waiting for close to…. a month and half now. In case work said  the red needed to go. …right then. Haha. But seeing as how I haven’t even been working? But anyways, my roots were going in, and I have very ash toned hair so it looked like I had a full head of grays growing in. Not a good look.

So half a tube of one n only medium and light chocolate respectively wound me up with this.

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It is just a red brown now. I was hoping for a full on brunette like last time when I just used light chocolate, but I guess I need to use something darker this time. Oh well.

Oven just went off. Gotta go! Till next time

Drafted and posted using my Samsung Galaxy SIII. Please do forgive any typographical errors.

Bolts and All

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If any of you are used to generally getting little to no sleep, you will understand what I’m going through this morning. I made the mistake of trying to force myself to get some sleep last night. That never ends well and I know this but that doesn’t stop me from being stubborn and trying.

Because Lord, the morning after is a horrific sight to be had. I feel nauseous, my arthritis is rating 14/10, and my vertigo makes me look more like a drunkard than usual.

But even before that, the fight to fall asleep is usually just as trying. My insomnia stems from my mind never wanting to quiet or wind down enough for me to fall asleep. The only way that usually works is counting backwards from 1,563 repeatedly.

But most nights that of course doesn’t work. I just toss and turn, ‘waking up’ every five minutes and the mini nightmares between each alarm is exponentially worse than normal, even for me.

Let’s just say today I feel like Frankenstein’s monster. Bolts, and all.

Drafted and posted using my Samsung Galaxy SIII. Please do forgive any typographical errors.

I’m going to at least try

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I made a delicious dinner tonight. Pork chops with ranch mashed potatoes and a fall vegetable medley. I finished eating it a while ago and now I munch on some verg delicious air popped popcorn from Publix. The previews for a movie were playing in the background and it was vert random, but it made me remember just how little I have seen and done in this life.

Beautiful mountauns, rivers and even snow. I have never even seen snow!

Things are tough and I never seem to have a day where there isn’t something to stress about. I spend a lot of time feeling lonely and as if my life will never take off – but there is still so much time left. And you have to make that conscious choice to choose the brighter side of things. Which I try to do. It doesn’t always work but I try.

I have been worried about my friends lately. Even those I haven’t seen or spoken to in a very long time. Maia, Art, my mechanics. I wonder how they are and I hope they are all right.

I reach out every once in a while, “hey! Hope everything is going well!” And then I hear that things are well… not. And it makes me so very sad.  And I feel extremely guilty because I feel like there really isn’t much I can do. I don’t know what to do. I’m better at just listeningnto people’s pain rather than actually helping them solve and forget it. I mean, I never could get myself to do that. I just kind of stutter and become speechless. Conversation becomes awkward and stinted as I desperately try to find something to make everything better.

But I still want to do everything I can to help.

Drafted and posted using my Samsung Galaxy SIII. Please do forgive any typographical errors.

Sleigh Ride

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I have a song that has been riding around and around in my head. When Sassy was here and we did the Christmas party,  it quickly became out favorite. One of the only ones we would sing and dance to.

I never knew the name of it but I could sing it for you if you could bear tge torture. Haha.

So I hopped online and just did a search of the lyrics which brought me to Micahel Bublé and progress was halted for a solid couple of hours while I melted. He’s a favorite of mine. But eventually I found it. ‘Sleigh Ride’  I couldn’t find the exact cover from Disney but I did find out Karmin did a cover and I love it. Not the rapping part, especially after I listened to the actual lyrics that make no sense.  But I love their voices on the traditional verses.

Anyhow, slowly I’m getting closer to either adding on a second job or leaving my current occupation entirely. Only thing stopping me is the fact my car is acting up.

And John and I still talk. Every day actually. I was right in believing we could be great friends, but nothing beyond that 

I just remembered,  during the long car ride where things were called off – one of his biggest reasons for veing upset was cause I liked video games, too. He had hit the jackpot with a gamer girlfriend. Well. Glad to know what my highlights are! 😛

Sorry I’m so lazy. I get home or even just stay home and all I want to do is lie down. My bones hurt, my head and chest hurt constantly. I’m just a whiny butt that doesn’t actually want to do anything. So when I sat down after finished making my dad’s dinner and checking on my mom – I forced this sucker out. Please forgive me if it was too painful. Haha 

Have a good night and I hope everyone is doing well. 🙂

Drafted and posted using my Samsung Galaxy SIII. Please do forgive any typographical errors.

An Idea

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I kinda wanna just, starting for next year, whenever I buy myself something – wrap it up ask pretty like and set it aside for Christmas. I will have a Christmas next year damn it! And it will be so long since I got these things, I’m hoping I’ll forget exactly what they are come Christmas day.

The idea was quite a selfishly genius one, I thought.

Drafted and posted using my Samsung Galaxy SIII. Please do forgive any typographical errors.

Cause Life Is So Difficult

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Why is it I finally feel like I can and want to sleep when I know I simply cannot? I leave for work in an hour but I’m so sleepy!

My wisdom tooth finally took a break and the attention was shifted to the pain in my back and sternum.

I’m very thankful to have a chance to work, since it is my only shift I could get this week when I very very desperately need the money. [Bills! Bills! Bills!]

But dang it if I don’t wish could just be a baby, whine and get some sleep.

Drafted and posted using my Samsung Galaxy SIII. Please do forgive any typographical errors.