I have had this pain for a long time. These worries, this cold ice I feel wash beneath my skin.
Unless I have a distraction – some sort of fleeting happiness that works like a dream catcher that pulls the cold away – most night I eventually drag down to this pain. This feeling of unending loneliness.
It has been like this as far as I can remember. And for those that know me, those few that knew me, I don’t remember much of my own life far back. So many repressed memories and nightmares. Dark scales and claws. Hiding under tractors by the water melon and closets in the shed.
When I was seven my mother had me taking ballet and tap class. I was named before she was 16 and not born until as much of that time had passes. At the end of the season there was to be a recital that I wanted absolutely nothing to do with. The feeling of the tight elastic and scratchy sequins made me want to scream and rip apart from inside.
So I hid.
There was a wardrobe in the room my mother and I shared. I opened the doors and hid in the hollowed bottom behind the hanging clothes.
Time passed, for how long I have no idea. I kept waiting for someone to find me. The point of hiding so I didn’t have to go faded and turned to why hasn’t anyone started to look for me?
Did they not care?
Did they not want me there?
Did no one miss me?
Eventually I did hear someone one calling my name.
I’m right here.
If you really wanted to find me you would cause I’m right here.
These thoughts werw silly and childish (well, I was a child) and yet profound.
I had sat in that cupboard for nearly four and a half hours.
For a seven year old with many older siblings and severe ADD, that is impossible to comprehend.
Maybe that is why I can’t sit still for more than ten seconds?
I still check my email every day on that off comment of “can I still keep your email? To… you know… contact you when I’m better?” I know it is foolish.
I know he was just saying yet another line In this character that he had created.
Just reinforces that I don’t seem worthy or even wanted.
I was in desperate need yesterday. Absolutely desperate. And yet there was not a friend to call. No one to say yeah, I can help you. Yes I will be there for you.
It makes me wonder – what am I doing that is so wrong?
Now before an Aus throws a fit – an addendum – no one state side or in the central Florida region.
Posted from my Samsung Galaxy SIII. Please excuse any spelling errors that occur.