Speechless.

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As of late, I have felt as if I have nothing to say. Not in a bad way, just a surplus of quiet in my mind.

I finally got a call from WDW Casting letting me know I had received my transfer to Front Desk back in late June.
I was off to Walt Disney World’s newest resort – Art of Animation! It is beautiful and I like It so far even though I admit is was off to a rough start. The training period on site is only five days, and I literally had a different trainer every day even thought generally most have the same trainer for the entire time. A lot of information was skipped and there wasn’t a lot of fluidity or stripe matching with the information and the training provided. Ironically enough the trainer I felt had the best technique and comprehensive tone was the trainer who was so new I was his first trainee and he didn’t have his proctor codes yet.

As with my last location and every job in the world the catty girls were found quickly. -.-;;

My first day sans-trainer, and first guest,  was very… magical.  She expected the service to be that of a five diamond hotel and dancing butlers with gold luggage racks. We will leave it at that.

{♡}

It has now been roughly two months since Mike and I split and we have only spoken once and that was only due to me putting a blast out on Facebook and tagging all of our mutual Brazilians. Generally when a horde of angry Brazilian women start yelling at you, you do what they tell you to with a click of your heels and,

yes ma’am!

And all that came out of that phone conversation was frustration and pity really. I felt so much pity for how pathetic his lies were. He had always lied – a lot, but at least those were believable enough. The ones he tried using that day were just sad like a wet tissue.

In the last two months, I also haven’t touched my sewing machine. When my emotions left so did my creative passion it seems.

I had worked very hard following the new year of 2010 to try to undo my gates and actually feel and not be so terrified of such an idea. At first I thought I had been successful with just a few poor luck mishaps of the men I had chosen in my life. And Mike had seemed to be the best thing I could have wished for. But since that rude awakening, it seems all that hard work has been undone and my reality is that of my fears past once more.

But this doesn’t upset me (unless it is one of those days). I almost feel calm. I would rather not experience that fleeting happiness if it means opening myself to that risk of pain and foolishness. I tried for over three years and I seemed more unhappy and hurt than I did when I was quote unquote a really really lazy zombie back then.

Eh. We will see what life brings. I don’t expect fairy tales or even a good chapter. 

Being in this environment that forces me to be around people after getting used to being by myself almost 24/7, reminded me as to just how awkward I am. Like really, really fucking awkward. Excuse my language. I’m shy around people. Conversation is stunted and I don’t make friends.

Even tentative acquaintances are suspicious to me. I don’t trust what people say or their actions anymore. I don’t expect or believe much to be genuine anymore.

Someone tried to tell me (they were just trying to help and be kind, I’m sure) that I need to stop being so nice and take care of myself. Not everyone is my little hurt bird with a busted wing.

And I understand that entirely. And there is something to that. But it also mafe me think screw that! I’m a passionate person. Without the passion. I care about people and am very empathetic.  I don’t have a hobby or thing in life I am passionate about as hard as I try. But I am passionate about helping you and taking care of you.

I don’t think I need to become a bitch simply because I’m hurt, and can’t feel for myself.

Also, I really don’t care.

I mean about things people expect me to judge them on. I will hear coworkers talking, see something on FB or read on a blog where they expect to be judged and all but I really just don’t care most of the time. Are you happy? Cool. Does it hurt other people and you want that? Not cool. Is it really any of my or anyone else’s business? No? Okay then, do your thing!

That probably didn’t make much sense but that is something that has been spinning around in my head lately.

Another item is that I realized I really and truly don’t have any friends. FriendS. I feel like I have one friend. And when I say friend I mean someone I talk to on a regular basis and they message me on a regular basis. Message being because they live on the other side of the date line.

I do wish I had friends here, in Florida, and that I could hang out with.  Especially if I didn’t have to drive an hour to see them. But on the other hand,  that isn’t what is most important.

Well, I’m going to cut it off there otherwise I’m just going to keep rambling. If you have anything in particular you would like me to talk about just comment down below!

P.S. this was posted using my Samsung Galaxy SIII and the WordPress app. Please excuse any spelling and grammatical errors.

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3 thoughts on “Speechless.

    • For whatever reason I just feel the inspiration or curiosity right now. And I am afraid if I try forcing it, all I can think of is wasted time and materials. Friends decided I could be their personal seamstress and whip up an intermediate level dress out in less than a month and that frustration hasn’t helped my creative energy at all. I guess that story deserves a rant post all on its own. Haha. And yes, love stinks sometimes. Without a doubt.

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