How you doin’?

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Things have been pretty rough, as they usually are.

But what my problem is is that I give up or don’t even try at all. I was teased and reprimanded for the slightest failures as a child. Pair that with other mental issues and disabilities – you get a crippling fear of being judged or failing. The only way I have managed to get around this is not really trying. I figured if I didn’t really try they couldn’t judge me. Of course they did. Of course I did. An excuse is an excuse and they are all horrible.

Here are my goals – (I love lists. We have a sordid affair ongoing.)

♥ Talk to an advisor at either Lake Sumter or UCF about starting college. My parents never gave me the help or life skills I needed to understand this mountain of going to college. But I am nearly 22 now. It is my own fault every day that I am not sitting in a classroom.
♥ Open a savings account. Start saving. A little jar only carries so much.

♥ Research teaching abroad. I really want to go to Japan or Korea. If I was to choose a major it would be international/Asian Studies and or education.

♥Find a therapist. A psychiatrist. Something. I can’t give up. I need help. And I need to go to HR about the lack of response from the EAP progran or something.

♥ Sew at least two dresses for Sassy. She deserves them more than anyone I know.

♥ I want to be out and on my own before my 23 birthday. In college. With a job. And a life plan.

♥ Know at least conversational Korean and be fluent in Japanese.

I could list for hours. But I think I am going to stop there tonight.

What are your goals? Short term or long term?

P.s. I noticed with a couple previous posts that there are certain comments that are of the ctrl+c&crtl+v variety plugging your own blogs about handling depression and anxiety. I recognized these comments from other blogs of my friends that were posted word for word as well. I did appreciate it and it really kinda hurt. My pain is not your stage. Neither are the posts of my friends. Please respect that. I am just going to leave it there and step off the soap box.

Posted from my Samsung Galaxy SIII. Please excuse any spelling errors that occur.

I knew him.

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When I was still at the Tomorrowland Speedway, I tended to make friends with the custodial staff that change our greeter trash and be our best friends when there was a code v in the queue.

There were two I became kinda close with. I didn’t hang out with either of them outside of my shift but the conversation was full and they knew they could count on me for a ride when their cars broke down.

One of these people was Jay.

Shy. Awkward. But always so kind with a smile on his face no matter what.

A lot of our College Program girls were creeped out by him because he would seek them for conversation.

The guys we had at that time were rude, and had airs that rang quite high and mighty.

He never meant harm and always just seemed like he wanted a friend to talk to.

He never asked any of the girls on a date or sought them outside of work beyond one big invitation to play in the parks for his birthday.

I said I wish I could, but I was going to be working a heavy double.

Before it hit the news, whispers were abundant.

Anger. Confusion. Sadness. A prayer while we walked the race tracks and rockets.

How could anyone do something like this?

To someone so nice, and innocent.

An alert was sent out to all the tomorrowland Facebook groups. What the stolen vehicle looked like, the man they were looking for.

I stepped away from the reports and news.

Admittedly, I have seen more death and heinous acts than most – and I preferred to not lingers in those darks mists.

The details of the strangling was new for me and tore at the scar tissue.

The excuse the defense was building up made me so very angry. So angry.

I tend to take people in. Jay was one.

To hear someone make such accusations against a ward of mine – is beyond infuriating.

I can’t even begin to imagine the pain his grandmother must be experiencing having to hear so venomous words used to cushion against their depravity.

I write all of this jumbled mess just to say –

No. He wasn’t like that. Jay was good and sweet and innocent. He helped anyone and everyone who asked of him.

No matter your excuse – strangling someone with a cord isn’t the answer. If it really was as the lawyer claims – then you wouldn’t have lingered squeezing and staying as the life disappeared.

That was a killing by defense – that was murder.

The Trial Begins.

Posted from my Samsung Galaxy SIII. Please excuse any spelling errors that occur.

I Hid

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I have had this pain for a long time. These worries, this cold ice I feel wash beneath my skin.

Unless I have a distraction – some sort of fleeting happiness that works like a dream catcher that pulls the cold away – most night I eventually drag down to this pain. This feeling of unending loneliness.

It has been like this as far as I can remember. And for those that know me, those few that knew me, I don’t remember much of my own life far back. So many repressed memories and nightmares. Dark scales and claws. Hiding under tractors by the water melon and closets in the shed.

When I was seven my mother had me taking ballet and tap class. I was named before she was 16 and not born until as much of that time had passes. At the end of the season there was to be a recital that I wanted absolutely nothing to do with. The feeling of the tight elastic and scratchy sequins made me want to scream and rip apart from inside.

So I hid.

There was a wardrobe in the room my mother and I shared. I opened the doors and hid in the hollowed bottom behind the hanging clothes.

Time passed, for how long I have no idea. I kept waiting for someone to find me. The point of hiding so I didn’t have to go faded and turned to why hasn’t anyone started to look for me?

Did they not care?

Did they not want me there?

Did no one miss me?

Eventually I did hear someone one calling my name.

I’m right here.

If you really wanted to find me you would cause I’m right here.

These thoughts werw silly and childish (well, I was a child) and yet profound.

I had sat in that cupboard for nearly four and a half hours.

For a seven year old with many older siblings and severe ADD, that is impossible to comprehend.

Maybe that is why I can’t sit still for more than ten seconds?

I still check my email every day on that off comment of “can I still keep your email? To… you know… contact you when I’m better?” I know it is foolish.

I know he was just saying yet another line In this character that he had created.

Just reinforces that I don’t seem worthy or even wanted.

I was in desperate need yesterday. Absolutely desperate. And yet there was not a friend to call. No one to say yeah, I can help you. Yes I will be there for you.

It makes me wonder – what am I doing that is so wrong?

Now before an Aus throws a fit – an addendum – no one state side or in the central Florida region.

Posted from my Samsung Galaxy SIII. Please excuse any spelling errors that occur.

Well Isn’t That Swell.

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That’s it. It is final. I have packed a bag and walked out. I am done being called a thief, ungrateful and now apparently abusive by my mother.

What infuriates slash rips even more beyond that – is when I have realized I really and truly have utterly no where else to go. I posted to Facebook hoping someone would be willing or able to help me. Nothing.

A friend texted me asking me if I was at some Hooters knock off over two hours away right then cause they were going for drinks. 

Are you fucking kidding me.

And these were people I can kinda considered as friends. And they didn’t even care one dimpled bit. Or care to ask hey, what’s going on?

I have been ripping my hair out trying to fix things, take care of my mother and help sweep behind her so she doesn’t get dragged off by the cops.

I’m sorry I am not willing to enlist to get away from this like James did.
I’m sorry I won’t smoke pot with you like Patrick.
I’m especially sorry I am not dead like Robbie.

I can’t keep on like this but I have zero money and literally no where to go with no car. What am I supposed to do?

By the way I tried calling the therapists office again. I left two voicemails but of course – no call back.

Posted from my Samsung Galaxy SIII. Please excuse any spelling errors that occur.

Excuses.

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When I was the phone with AT&T customer care today when a comment was made, why don’t you see a doctor about this stuff?

Before anyone over reacts it was part of a discussion we were having as I do every month when explaining why I don’t have the money to pay the phone bill. I didn’t find the comment uncalled for or what have you.

And I didn’t have a good answer for it. But I soon kept thinking about it and realized – because that is a hard thing to do. To say in conversation oh, sorry I have this or this problem. But to sat oh yeah I was at the doctor for this and this problem, is different.

For it to be so much of an issue that you have to get medical help, is hard to admit.

Well, I have definitely admitted multiple times that I needed help with these things but I never make the phone call.

Money is usually the excuse in my mind. Which is true. Another part is trying to get past the effort I made previously. Calling repeatedly during different times a day trying to set up an appointment to never even reach a voicemail and just be on hold the entire time… is hard. I don’t know how to explain it.

Gah. I think I’m going to post this and just try again.

Posted from my Samsung Galaxy SIII. Please excuse any spelling errors that occur.

Speechless.

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As of late, I have felt as if I have nothing to say. Not in a bad way, just a surplus of quiet in my mind.

I finally got a call from WDW Casting letting me know I had received my transfer to Front Desk back in late June.
I was off to Walt Disney World’s newest resort – Art of Animation! It is beautiful and I like It so far even though I admit is was off to a rough start. The training period on site is only five days, and I literally had a different trainer every day even thought generally most have the same trainer for the entire time. A lot of information was skipped and there wasn’t a lot of fluidity or stripe matching with the information and the training provided. Ironically enough the trainer I felt had the best technique and comprehensive tone was the trainer who was so new I was his first trainee and he didn’t have his proctor codes yet.

As with my last location and every job in the world the catty girls were found quickly. -.-;;

My first day sans-trainer, and first guest,  was very… magical.  She expected the service to be that of a five diamond hotel and dancing butlers with gold luggage racks. We will leave it at that.

{♡}

It has now been roughly two months since Mike and I split and we have only spoken once and that was only due to me putting a blast out on Facebook and tagging all of our mutual Brazilians. Generally when a horde of angry Brazilian women start yelling at you, you do what they tell you to with a click of your heels and,

yes ma’am!

And all that came out of that phone conversation was frustration and pity really. I felt so much pity for how pathetic his lies were. He had always lied – a lot, but at least those were believable enough. The ones he tried using that day were just sad like a wet tissue.

In the last two months, I also haven’t touched my sewing machine. When my emotions left so did my creative passion it seems.

I had worked very hard following the new year of 2010 to try to undo my gates and actually feel and not be so terrified of such an idea. At first I thought I had been successful with just a few poor luck mishaps of the men I had chosen in my life. And Mike had seemed to be the best thing I could have wished for. But since that rude awakening, it seems all that hard work has been undone and my reality is that of my fears past once more.

But this doesn’t upset me (unless it is one of those days). I almost feel calm. I would rather not experience that fleeting happiness if it means opening myself to that risk of pain and foolishness. I tried for over three years and I seemed more unhappy and hurt than I did when I was quote unquote a really really lazy zombie back then.

Eh. We will see what life brings. I don’t expect fairy tales or even a good chapter. 

Being in this environment that forces me to be around people after getting used to being by myself almost 24/7, reminded me as to just how awkward I am. Like really, really fucking awkward. Excuse my language. I’m shy around people. Conversation is stunted and I don’t make friends.

Even tentative acquaintances are suspicious to me. I don’t trust what people say or their actions anymore. I don’t expect or believe much to be genuine anymore.

Someone tried to tell me (they were just trying to help and be kind, I’m sure) that I need to stop being so nice and take care of myself. Not everyone is my little hurt bird with a busted wing.

And I understand that entirely. And there is something to that. But it also mafe me think screw that! I’m a passionate person. Without the passion. I care about people and am very empathetic.  I don’t have a hobby or thing in life I am passionate about as hard as I try. But I am passionate about helping you and taking care of you.

I don’t think I need to become a bitch simply because I’m hurt, and can’t feel for myself.

Also, I really don’t care.

I mean about things people expect me to judge them on. I will hear coworkers talking, see something on FB or read on a blog where they expect to be judged and all but I really just don’t care most of the time. Are you happy? Cool. Does it hurt other people and you want that? Not cool. Is it really any of my or anyone else’s business? No? Okay then, do your thing!

That probably didn’t make much sense but that is something that has been spinning around in my head lately.

Another item is that I realized I really and truly don’t have any friends. FriendS. I feel like I have one friend. And when I say friend I mean someone I talk to on a regular basis and they message me on a regular basis. Message being because they live on the other side of the date line.

I do wish I had friends here, in Florida, and that I could hang out with.  Especially if I didn’t have to drive an hour to see them. But on the other hand,  that isn’t what is most important.

Well, I’m going to cut it off there otherwise I’m just going to keep rambling. If you have anything in particular you would like me to talk about just comment down below!

P.S. this was posted using my Samsung Galaxy SIII and the WordPress app. Please excuse any spelling and grammatical errors.