I once knew a girl I have heard always being described as “dangerously self-aware“. Self aware of her downfalls, the upcomings and surroundings. This description would make its way with variations into her quiet life via different people and events. Different medical professionals, friends, family and encounters.
As the years go on, she learns that she had instinctively repressed many memories and traits.
Memories of vile acts committed against her as a child. Her dyslexia was much worse than she thought. Severe sensory sensitivity. Junior Rheumatoid Arthritis. Apparently being restricted to a wheel chair was supposed to be in the picture as of two and a half years ago. Anxiety and panic attacks frequent OCD rituals. Inner strength and knowledge stuffed these away so she may continue to survive and thrive in this harsh and cruel environment that is the world today. Sadly that has only gotten worse. But perseverance.
And yet, every time she cannot be sure if she is the only one who feels this way, thinks this way, sees this way. She is the lookout when her and her mother go to the woods. Cow Pies, kite birds, racers, and alligators Her gut is the map and guide. Which way is safest or the best treasure laden?
This “awareness” extends to those around her. Those on the TV people in the supermarket, strangers and loved ones. Knowing when a lie is present, a facade, a dangerous ulterior motive. This gut and awareness of her’s rarely has let her down from what I understand.
Maybe you have an instinct like she does? When meeting someone new, or walk into a new room, do you get this twitch, this tension, in your palms or feel a tickling hidden behind your shoulder blades Perhaps there is a quite little voice warning you of out there possibilities. Do you listen to what your body, your Jimminy Cricket tells you? Even with the happy things. Possibilities of a job, or even that coffee date with that cute guy, girl, office plant you have on Tuesday?
From what I understand, she has that pretty much down. And yet we can stand around waiting ’til kingdom come while she tries to make a decision. As with everyone some things are easier than others to pick… until it involves money. Once money is in the picture, especially lots of it, if she can’t make a substantial pro/con list with a decently definitive outcome she cannot make up her mind to save her life.
So what is the biggest bill tacked to young Americans across the board? Dat education. Her problem? The education she dreams of is one bigger tickets one can tack on. Once you choose that path, you better be pretty damn sure this is what you want. Otherwise you will probably regret and hate yourself for quite a while.
Some many options. So many paths. So many different trails with a muck creek in front of each one. Each one looking just as difficult to cross but with such glorious foliage and breezes enticing across the gap.
That quirky twitch is of course no where to be found. We all have told her all the time, “you can do it! You can do virtually anything!”
Many professions in law have crossed her mind. Psychologist. Jumping from inspiration from the Criminal Minds bandwagon. The spidey sense developed a passion for enjoying her natural wide eyed mind. Reading the people, their body language and what the surroundings said. Or opening her own restaurant as the local chefs praised her balance of the front and the back of the house. Becoming a doctor.
When she taught and assisted in the culinary program at her high school she took care of the kids. Played nurse. Treating burns, and sprains from going gung ho. Advising for in the moment band aids. This habit continued with the different positions she held in the following time. It especially came to a head when she got hired out at Disney. Speedway has a way of draining you. Mentally and physically. Heat exhaustion, sun burns, and boo boos of every variety.
A rubber glove works great as a fast ice compress that will last and cover much better than those weak “insta-cold presses”. A cut up rag stuffed into the crappy and non supportive sole of Doc M steel toes. Take another set of rags and have them sit in the freezer tucked inside a bucket of icy water. Hold one of these rags in your palms, or wrapped around your wrist as you direct guests will help keep your temperature regulated and push off the heat exhaustion just til your next break.
Even with being one of the younger trainers, cast member in general amongst the Cps (kids that work at Disney for the length of a semester. Essentially they get to live at Disney and have a working vacation), she was known as “mom” or “doc”.
Which brings me back to that bad habit of indecisiveness she has. Does she bite the bullet and find a way to become a doctor? I don’t know how to help her.
Everyone says she would be great. Even family that have ties to medicine – nurses, x-ray technicians, dentist, pediatrician, OB-GYN, say it sounds pretty solid.
But what if they are wrong. Or worse, what if they are right, but the path was wrong? Happier somewhere else?
Fashion design, law enforcement, psychiatrist, anything.
Maybe she would be happy and proud to be a doctor. Who knows? Cause she doesn’t.
And that’s the problem.
Eventually she will just give it up and toss caution to the wind and just make up her damn mind.
I really hope that time is very, very soon. Cause she is drivin’ me freakin’ crazy y’all.